Life Among the Flowers

MY ANALOGY

2011-01-28T09:43:00.050-06:00

To the T.V. show described in my last post:

1. After having gone through what we may think to be the worst ordeal in our lives and surviving, we sometimes want to sit down and rest basking in our victory.
2. Satan loves to catch us off guard. This is when He takes the opportunity to sneak into our lives and lure us into situations that could corrupt us morally and hurt others in the process.
3. Everything around us has been turbulent. Now finally we are sailing in smooth, calm waters, maybe still weary from the rough times behind us. So we may not hear or see that He has arrived on the scene. Hence, Sneaky Snake. (see my post, "The Fixer")
4. God gives us the insight we need. He allows us to wake from our slumber and see, hear, and feel what is truly going on around us.
5. Another fight for survival.
6. Decisions to make.
7. Lose faith? Lose hope?
8. Or believe that help is on the way. "My help cometh from the Lord...The Lord is thy keeper... He shall preserve thee from evil..." Psalms 121: 2a, 5a, 7a
9. Taste the most wonderful thing we will ever taste! " Oh taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him." Psalms 34:8
10. Another opportunity to tell others our story and to let them know what a mighty God we serve.

AN UNEXPECTED TRAIL OF EVENTS

2011-01-27T11:50:00.010-06:00

I want to recall the T.V. program that my husband and I watched early Monday morning and pray that I can remember some of the small details that had such a huge impact on me.

It started off like this:
A man (I cannot remember his name but I am going to call him Tom) was about to begin a rafting trip down the Colorado River in the Grand Canyon. At the beginning of the show a friend was with him, but it was apparent that he was only there to drop Tom off. Tom was sitting in the raft chatting and saying goodbye to his friend. The raft appeared to be well equipped with enough supplies to last several days, but the narrator let us know that Tom did not have a cell phone or any other means of communication with him. As his friend walked away, Tom called him back to tell him to send help if he had not reached a certain point in four or five days.

Other than than the fact that he had no way to communicate with anyone in case of an emergency, Tom looked to be prepared for his journey. There were several plastic containers neatly tied down in the raft that I assumed were filled with food, clothing, survival/camping equipment, tools,etc. And although he covered the emergency part when he told his friend to send help if he had not reached a certain place on a certain day, it seemed to be an after thought.

And the story continued:
It was made known to us how much Tom was looking forward to this trip. He looked forward to the solitude and peacefulness of his surroundings. As he began rafting, he talked about how quite it was in the canyon and how this was something he had longed for. We were also led to believe that Tom was familiar with the Colorado River, not necessarily because he had been on it before, but maybe because he had studied it. He rowed down the river and managed through each rapid he encountered. However, the anticipation of one rapid in particular had him very anxious because he knew it would be the worst one on his route. So, in preparation for it, he put his wet suit and life jacket on.  Seconds before, I told my husband that I could not believe he did not have a life jacket on so I was glad to see him do this.

He reached the treacherous rapid and appeared for the most part to effortlessly go through it. It was obvious that he was proud of himself (not really in a smug sort of way, but he did seem very confident). The scene went from him rowing through the rapid to successfully navigating out of it. He was reclining back in his raft after having changed back into his khaki cargo shorts and a short sleeve shirt. I think maybe he had sandals on but I am not sure. I had not paid attention to his clothes or shoes before he put the wet suit and life jacket on.

I do not know how much time lapsed, but at some point he began to realize that the rest of his trip was not going to be smooth sailing. He appeared to be mad at himself for focusing so much on having gotten past the worst part and not remembering there were several more smaller rapids ahead of him.

As soon as he approached the next one, it was obvious he was going to be in trouble. He lost control of the raft and landed on top of a boulder. While trying to get off, he fell into the river and the raft capsized. He managed to take hold of the raft and get it and himself onto a rocky shoreline. He knew his only hope of turning the raft over was to retrieve some supplies that were still attached to the raft but now under water. So for the second time he found himself back in the frigid Colorado River. In complete darkness he was able to untie boxes and find what he needed. Despite the fact that he was extremely cold, he rigged a pulley device that would hoist the raft over and turn it upright. His plan failed. The ropes broke barely missing his head as they snapped.

Plan B: He spotted a sandy shoreline on the other side of the ravine and attempted to swim to it in hopes of finding shelter and getting warm. It was getting late in the day. This plan too failed. The river slammed him back into the rocks and he lost the raft. This time he made an attempt to climb up onto a grassy area above the rocks. I do not know if sometimes during all of this he lost his shoes or if he never had any on, but at this particular time he was barefooted while trying to scale a rock wall. He got so very close to the top when he fell backwards and landed back into the river. This was his fourth time to be in the cold water. During this fall he injured himself.

Once again he found himself at the bottom of the rock wall only this time with an injured foot and several broken toes, as well as, a blow to his face that had knocked out several of his teeth. But despite all of this he still managed to climb over the rock wall. Keep in mind that he is extremely cold; injured; in a pair of shorts and a short sleeve shirt with no shoes and no supplies; no food; no way of communicating with anyone; and night time is fast approaching.

To wrap this story up, here is a list of events that took place over the next 7 or 8 days:

1. He dug a hole in the dirt and covered it with dead branches for a place to sleep and get out of the wind.

2. He had a lighter in his pocket and was able to build a fire. He started out gathering wood for his fire close to where he camped, so as the days went on and he became weaker he was having to walk farther and farther away to gather wood.

3. The fire was never enough to keep him warm at night and there was little sun during the day.

4. When the sun came out, he would follow it around even though the temperature was still cold. (Remember he was in the Grand Canyon).

5. He got very little sleep.

6. He had no food. He tried to catch a fish with his hands and then with a spear he made, but was unsuccessful.

7. After several days, an airplane flew over him. He tried to wave it down, but they could not see him.

8. He spent countless hours gathering rocks from the river bed and making a gigantic X in the sand in hopes another plane would see it as a distress signal.

9. He had hallucinations and became very depressed.

10. He left messages for his friends and family after accepting the fact that he was going to die.

The End:
Just before he lost all hope, rescue came. (I was falling back to sleep right as the rescue was taking place. But, obviously Tom was given something to eat as soon as they got him into the helicopter. I heard him say that was the best sandwich he had ever eaten in his life.)

In the blink of an eye, what started out as something pleasurable quickly turned into a fight to survive. Tom was confident when he got victory over what he thought was his biggest hurdle. He let his guard down while in the calm water. He did not anticipate having to fight for something so precious to him (his life), nor was he equipped to do so. He was scared and soon became weary. He lost faith in his friend. He lost hope. But, just as he was about to give up, help came.

THE "FIXER"

2011-01-26T07:15:00.000-06:00

It has been a while since I have written a post, three months to be exact. But it's not because God has not been ever present and working on me. Yesterday was the first day I felt led to record and share some of the things that have taken place over the last few months in my life.  I know it will take several posts for me to accomplish this, but I have to start somewhere... so here goes...

I prayed on my way to work yesterday as I have many times before. But on this particular morning, I thanked God for something I have never thanked Him for before.  Never before have I thanked Him for being my "Fixer", for fixing the things in my life that I have made a total and complete mess out of and also for fixing situations that have blind-sided me leaving me spinning out of control or dumbfounded.

Early Monday morning of this week, very early, sometimes between 2 and 3 am, it was NOT a coincidence that my husband and I both woke up at the same time. It was NOT a coincidence that the T.V. was on a different channel than the usual Food Network or TV Land (I almost always go to sleep with either of these channels playing) It was NOT a coincidence that a show was on based on true life events. It was NOT a coincidence that we both woke up at the beginning of the story and both fell back to sleep at the end.

I want to devote an entire post (hopefully I can get to it tomorrow) to explain what the show was about, why I believe God wanted us to see it, and the significance of it in our lives.

I Peter 5:8 says "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:"

I believe that just as Satan poses himself as a roaring lion to terrorize or devour us, he also has poses himself as an angel of light to deceive us, as well as, a sneaky snake so that he can lure us into situations that could corrupt us morally and hurt others in the process.

The sneaky snake has been ever present in my household! But he was not able to do damage that God was not able to fix!! You know when we try to fix something that is broken it may never function the same again (a broken handle on a coffee cup when glued back on will never look the same or be as strong as it was before); however, when God fixes something it always turns out better than before, better than we could have ever imagined!

Beauty for ashes! This is something that only "The Great Fixer" can accomplish.

Thank you again, God, for being my "Fixer".

NO SWEET GIRL, THANK YOU!!

2010-10-26T13:15:00.003-05:00

A note I received from my daughter last week:

"Mom, Words in a thank you card cannot express the thankfulness in my heart for everything you do for me, but just wanted to say THANK-YOU!!!! I could NOT make it without you & love you so much! Found this quote & thought so true: "A mother's love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible." Thank you for being my "fuel" & (for your) help pushing me along with your encouragment, support, prayers & helping me w/money. You mean the world to me. Love, _____ (my daughter)"

VENTING

2010-09-09T18:18:00.011-05:00

I had a telephone conversation yesterday afternoon. The words spoken to me, well...I've heard them before...more than once. I have always been able to let them go in one ear and out the other, but last night I couldn't. They penetrated my mind and my heart! So much so that I am here writing this post to vent.

I was the one to place the call. I called from my work place. It was just a "checking on you" call. The conversation quickly turned. I answered question after question and then listened to the dos and don't s of how to deal with my daughter (in a rather loud tone at that). It was told to me that the subject had been brought up at a "round table discussions" (as I like to call them). Not that I couldn't have figured that out on my own. I listened respectfully. I felt annoyed and overwhelmed. Annoyed for reasons I will talk about later and overwhelmed because I knew it would be exhausting to try to get a word in edgewise to defend myself and my daughter. I abruptly ended the conversation when another call came in that I needed to take and I made a mental note to set the "record" straight, face to face, once and for all. The truth is that will probably never happen, but I need to get this out of my system. SO... here goes...

1. Do you know my daughter? No, I mean do you REALLY KNOW her? If you answered honestly then I believe the answer would have to be: No. Because if you truly knew her, you would not feel the way you do nor say the things you do. She is smart. She is compassionate. She is a hard worker. She is ambitious. She loves her family. She has a special place in her heart for those who love her unconditionally, for example her granny and her little cousin, Hannah. She is sentimental. She is silly. She loves animals. She especially loves her dog. She is talented. She is honest. These are only a few of her good qualities. Does she have any bad ones? YES. So do the rest of us! But, here are some things she is NOT: She is NOT a user. She is NOT lazy. She is NOT a moocher. She is NOT a freeloader.

2. Were you there? Were you there when I taught my daughter valuable life lessons? Do you know that she "got it", or at least some of it? She is a good person who has made some wrong choices. Were you there to see the many tears that were shed out of shame and guilt? Were you there to see and feel her anguish over where she has been and what she has put her family through? Were you there to see and know that she understood that it was God who lifted her out?

3. Aren't you a mother? Have you never experienced unconditional and sacrificial love? Are you detached? I know the answer to that because I have seen you shed tears over your family. So how can you talk to me as if I could so easily detach myself from her? You are talking to someone who has tried. Believe me, it is impossible. I was taught that only God himself comes before family. I have no reason to doubt this. My children are my flesh and blood. They are my life. I love them so much that I can feel their joy as well as their pain. Why wouldn't I stand by their sides during the turbulent times? When she chose the lifestyle she did three years ago I grieved and was in such a state that I did not know which way to turn. I ran away from her. It was God who gently turned me around and led me back into her life. He allowed me to understand that she needed me. It would be her mom that would bring her back to Him, back to herself, and back to the rest of the family. She told me just recently that it was as if she had been asleep and now she was awake, in other words, fully alert as to where she had been in her life and what she was doing and how wrong it had all been. I want to believe that God used me to help "wake her up". I will not now nor will I ever abandon her. She is too precious to me. I am glad He does not abandon me when I am not walking the straight and narrow!

4. Did I misunderstand your words of wisdom? No, I don't think so. Do I think you want me to completely turn my back on her? No. I understand your concerns, I really do. I, too, have known friends and relatives who have allowed their spoiled rotten, lazy, freeloading children to carry them into emotional and financial ruins. But... please do not confuse me with those you know who have experienced the effects of lying, scheming, thieving, freeloading children. Sometimes things are easier said than done. Our solution to the problems of others looks good on paper, but you can't put your heart on a piece of paper.

5. Do you know me? No, REALLY KNOW me? If you did, then you would not consume yourself with worry that I am going to plummet to the bottom trying to "save" my daughter. We do not live in a world of rainbows and daises. Who does? There ARE problems with my children. But, I know I am not superman, or super"mom". Do you think of me as senseless? I know my limits. Sometimes all I can do is pray. Nothing more. And I don't say that like it is a last resort. It is my responsibility and an awesome privilege. But, I do know when I can help financially and when I cannot. I know when it is time to take a step back financially, as well as, emotionally. I have told you that on many occasions but obviously you do not believe me or you would not continue to feel the need to discuss it at the round table or with me.

6. Do you have any compassion? I know the answer to that. It is yes. So, please, please understand mine. Trust me. Know that my daughter is struggling through this life, trying to fit in, trying to make something of herself, trying to support herself. As long as she is trying, then I will be there to lift her up when she needs it. I will be there to help her financially whenever I can. I will be there to love her and encourage her. I cannot image being anywhere else. I am here for my children through the thick and the thin. It's all a part of being a mom. What kind of mother is only supportive of her children when everything is going good. They need me even more through the "thin". Let it be known, again, she does not ASK for ANYTHING. I do it because if not me, then who? If she cannot depend on her mom, then who can she depend on? Surely not those who think all she knows how to do is hold her hand out.

7. Will she ever reach her goals? I do not know. Honestly. I hope and pray so. But whether she does or does not, I want her to know that I was there the entire time believing in her and cheering her on. Me and her dad may be the only cheerleaders she ever has. I hope not, but it may be so.

8. Is her life without problems? No, and probably never will be. Like me, she is not perfect. I will not publicize her faults nor would I mine or yours. She is not the perfect daughter; nor I the perfect mother! I am well aware that she is probably the only person on the face of this earth that I can be so proud of one minute and then completely frustrated with the next. But as long as I have breath in my lungs, her well-being will be important to me. I will always bend over backwards for my her as long as I know she is trying. Not so far that I break my back and am no good to anyone, but I will bend just as far as I possibly can.

9. Do I have my head buried in the sand? I want to think not. I have always been very observant of what goes on around me and a pretty good judge of character. I understand that sometimes you can be so close to a situation that you can't see the forest for the trees. But, I think I can still see the trees.

10. Understand that I LOVE YOU, but understand my frustrations. Understand a mother's love. Understand her. Allow me to be her mom the only way I know how to: Unconditionally. Is it too much to ask?

EMPTY

2010-08-27T08:55:00.001-05:00

I have discovered a new television show. The name of it is "Hoarders". I do not intentionally watch it, but if I happen to see it come on, I tend to want to stay glued to it for hours. Not sure why, other than being intrigued with the fact that people can actually live with garbage piled up all around them, even to the point they cannot get into their own beds and sometimes into their own homes. Some have gone so far as to move out and rent apartments. Another reason I do not intentionally watch it is because it makes me want to go clean out closets!! Not that that would be a bad thing.

Whatever the opposite of hoarding is... that would be me!

My son moved out a couple of weeks ago leaving for college. As he packed and cleaned out his room, we talked about some of the things he use to have and play with and I almost felt guilty over the lack of childhood toys, memorabilia, etc. in there. I just do not keep things!! Oh, I still have some of their baby items, a few toys they played with, and some of the cards and pictures they drew when they were little. Their crib is in the attic awaiting a grandchild, but for the most part as they grew up and went from one hobby, sport, collection, or whatever, I "cleaned house" so to speak.

As a matter of fact, I am in the process of cleaning out some things today in preparation to have a yard sale next weekend. Now that my son has moved, it is time for me to clean out some things left behind and freshen up some paint and a few other things in his room, as well as, in some of the other rooms in my house.

I walked down my hallway one evening this week. Both of the doors to their bedrooms were open. And I could not help but to remember them as they use to be. They have at one time or another housed not only furniture, but also two precious lives and all that was important to them at that particular time. Beanie Babies, The Little Pet Shop, A Rabbit, A Bird, Yellow, Purple, Green, Blue, Beige, Gray, Floral Prints, Plaid, Baseball Equipment, Guitars, Fencing Equipment, Paint Ball Guns, Fishing Gear, Stuffed Animals, Story Time, Bedtime Prayers, The Latest Fashions, Legos, Video Games, Dinosaurs, Baby Dolls, Halloween Costumes, Makeup, School Books, Stereos....

NOW...

VOID OF ANY PERSONALITY...

THEY STAND EMPTY...

AS DOES MY HEART!

IT'S GETTING BIGGER

2010-08-12T18:20:00.002-05:00

AND BIGGER AND BIGGER AS THE WEEK PROGRESSES!

By the weekend it will have grown to an astronomical size. So large that my breathing will be restricted, and the flood gates will break loose, the tears will flow, and the weeping and sobbing will begin.

THIS LUMP IN MY THROAT!

On Sunday night or sometimes on Monday, I will drive away from my son, leaving him four and a half hours away from me (at college). I will come home to a house where he no longer lives and to a room where he no longer sleeps.

I have not really taken care of him (so to speak) in a while. He is 20 years old. But I have been here for ALL of those 20 years to see that he had a place to live, a bed to sleep in, clean clothes to wear, money to spend, food to eat, gas in his truck, doctors to see and medicine to take when he is sick, encouraging words when he is down....

I am afraid I am about to find out that the "Empty Nest" has little to do with the house and all to do with the heart!

A new chapter in our lives. One that has come TOO soon!

I will update as soon as I can pull myself together.

GOD'S THUMB PRINT

2010-08-12T12:32:00.004-05:00

Last week my nine year old niece spent the night with me and we were able to get in a little shopping time. And of course found ourselves in my our favorite store, T.J.Maxx. While being checked out, the cashier made a comment about my niece's birthmark. She told us that her daughter had one that was almost identical, but located in a different place. (My niece has birthmark on the upper park of her chest. She wore a cute little yellow halter top that day, otherwise it is usually not visible.) I shared with her that is was "God's thumb print". She expressed some admiration for this explanation, but it was not her expression that concerned me. I looked at my niece to see if I could read any embarrassment on her face. After all, it wasn't as if two people who did not know each other were standing there discussing her birthmark or anything like that! But, thankfully there were no signs of embarrassment or anything else.

We left the store and never brought it up again.

We met my daughter and one of her friends for lunch next door at Pizza Inn. They both commented on how cute she looked in her bright yellow top and the big yellow bow in her hair to match.

During ONE of my niece's trips to the buffet line (in all fairness she was for the most part "sent" there), my daughter's friend asked me if she was ever self-conscious about her birthmark. Without hesitation, my answer was no. I explained to them about our encounter in T.J. Maxx and shared with her the "thumb print" story: It was something her mom told her when she was very small and she accepted it immediately and always has. End of Story!

A few days later, something began to weigh on my mind. How many blemishes do the rest of us have? How many of these blemishes do we try to hide or cover up from others? Sometimes we do a great job at it too. It would be easy for my niece to keep her birthmark concealed from others, except those close to her. Isn't it that way for us too?

I had a long telephone conversation this past week with a friend who has a lot of hurt in her life. She has a son who has caused her and her husband much grief. She made a statement to me: "It is time." Time for what? She went on to tell me that she had just turned 60 and for too many years carried around baggage filled with grief, guilt, shame, embarrassment, and so much more. It was time to let go. ( Not to be mistaken with time to stop loving or praying. This never stops). But it was time to let go of the shame and embarrassment. Time to open up to others. Time to allow God and others to help her work through her grief and guilt. Time to share. Time to allow Him to restore the joy in her life. Time to live again.

Unfortunately, I could relate to all she said.

This journey with my daughter has carried me to places that I would never have chosen to go, but to places where I have seen God's face many times. Had it not been for this journey, I would have quite possibly never experienced those life changing encounters with Him. No, this journey has been a blemish in my life. One that has forever changed me and my relationship with God. His hand has been on me through every step of way. His hand has been on my daughter's life. His hand has shaped and molded me into who I have become through it all. And if He has thumb prints, then my life has unmistakably been imprinted with them.

And I will use my nine year old niece as my example: To not be embarrassed. Never be ashamed. But will go forth and boldly and proudly display God's Thumb Print!

THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY

2010-08-07T17:08:00.001-05:00

I will never take for granted or be ungrateful over the fact that my children respect me. There are many reason I know this to be true, but I am not going to go into them on this particular post. I am feeling awfully proud today because they desire to share "things" with me. I will never take for granted that God gives me a glimpse into their lives (the parts that I never see) so that I know how to pray for them and how to council them.

This morning hearts were spilled out (as well as tears) all over my living room. I spilled my heart. He spilled his. And all I can say is that it was not the "Good". It was the "Bad and the Ugly".

And after all was said and done I have never been more proud of my son in my life! Ever!

THE QUEEN'S CAFFEINE

2010-08-06T22:07:00.005-05:00

It was not until tonight that I discovered she (my daughter) had this story posted on her facebook page. She wrote it on April 25, 2010 (the day after my birthday). In her words:

This is one of those gut busting, hilariously funny, make you cry stories that is funnier told in person but we have laughed so hard about it I have to share. To appreciate you have to know my dad.

One of the presents I got my mom for her birthday was a wrought iron cart filled with all kinds of goodies...A Tyler candle, lotion, soaps, bubble bath, coffee and a coffee cup. Not just any ordinary coffee and cup though...Hallmark has a collection of pink and black matching coffee cups and coffee that have cute sayings on them. The set I got said "The queen's caffeine". It was so cute, made her gift basket complete. I loved it.

7:30: I got to my moms and we were getting ready to head to New Orleans. I was loading my stuff into her car. I picked up the gift basket (which was half wrapped in a trash bag) and was making my way to load it up when I heard something drop and shatter on the concrete. The queen's caffeine cup. I was not happy but nothing I could do, was already with my mom and tomorrow was her birthday...

8:00: SO...I send my dad a text." I need you to drop what you are doing and go to hallmark and get mom a coffee cup. It is pink and black and has "the queen's caffeine" on it."
My dad (already in New Orleans, texts back): "Where do they have them?"
Me: "ANY Hallmark store!!!"

My dad enters panic mode. Frantically trying to finish what he was doing and get dressed to get to a Hallmark store before they close at nine. Now this is the part of the story I need you to really picture my dad in your head. He is in a panic mode. The mall closes in 30 minutes and I have sent him out to search for a needle in a haystack. He rushes in Hallmark:

Dad to worker: "Do ya'll have a coffee cup with THE QUEEN'S CAFFEINE on it?"
Worker (with astonished look on her face): "No"
Dad: "I thought all Hallmark Stores carry them."
Worker (wondering why he wants one so badly): "She explains that all the stores carry the brand but not necessarily the same gift packs. They all come in different styles, colors, quotes, etc."

So my dad leaves the store and thinks he is off the hook. Sends me a message that they did not have one. He goes to P.J. Coffee Shop and orders himself a venti coffee and is ready to go home. Well, my OCD is not going to allow me to give my mom a wrought iron gift basket with coffee in it and no mug to match. Desperation kicks in and I send my dad another text telling him to get any kind of cup. A pretty pink one with flowers or something will do. At the time (8:45) he is walking out of the door of the mall to go home. He does a 180 in search of another cup. When he gets BACK to Hallmark he notices a note on the door, "No food or drinks allowed." This is the point when his panic stricken state really kicks in. Not wanting to waste the ginormous cup of coffee he just purchased and with only ten minutes to spare he starts pacing around in front of the store ~~drinking~~ guzzeling his coffee so fast it would make your head spin. (My dad does not drink coffee on a regular basis, only occasionally, so his head probably WAS spinning). By this time, I am sure the workers have called security to watch the crazed coffee obsessed man desperately looking for a queen's caffeine coffee cup. He finished his cup in 2.5 seconds and with knocking knees goes inside Hallmark once again and starts looking for another cup. I can only imagine what is going through the worker's heads. Wondering why this man HAS to have a Queens caffeine coffee cup, goes and gets coffee, drinks it at the entrance of the store pacing back and forth, and then frantically rushes back in only to look at more coffee cups. All of this happens in a matter of ten minutes. "This crazy man must be fixated on coffee!!!!!!"

8:55:Dad: "Anything else you need me to find before the stores close at 9:00? A llama hair scarf? I can even find a specific color for you like watermelon tangerine.
Me: I need a cookie jar with her initials engraved on it. Lemon lime color.
Dad: "OK. I am off to Timbuktu. The Dalia Lama has one. Be back next month."

(By the way, he bought a pretty one with flowers on it that read, I love you mom. He did a good job.)

THE WAVE

2010-08-02T17:26:00.008-05:00

And, no, I am not talking about a water park or this HEAT WAVE we are having here in the Pine Belt. Although, I should be. My car thermometer read 103 yesterday, and that was in the shade!!

A hand, or in this case, an arm gesture is the wave I am referring to. There is an elderly lady that walks in my neighborhood. This morning was not my first encounter with her. I see her almost every morning as I am driving out of the neighborhood headed to work. And today was no different than all the other times I have ever passed her. She waved.

This lady appears to be full of spunk and almost bounces as she walks. She is very petite. As a matter of fact she has one of the smallest frames I have ever seen. Even her hair is cut in an extremely short style. Every thing about her is petite. Everything that is except her wave!!

Here are some things I have especially noticed or wondered:

1. Her enthusiasm. Hers is not just any old wave. It is not a wave leaving you wondering if it was even a wave at all or if she was just swatting at a bug. She throws her tiny little arm up in the air and moves it back and forth with all her might at every single person who passes her. She does this looking straight ahead never missing a beat as she walks. No, there is nothing small, petite, or wimpy about her wave. She puts her entire body and soul into it.

2. She has never NOT waved. And yet I can't help but to wonder if she sometimes does not feel like waving, but does so anyway. If so, it doesn't show. They are always the same. Wholehearted and full of gusto.

3. They speak to me. Every single time. They say,"Howdy neighbor". They say, "Acknowledging you is extremely important to me because you are extremely important". They say,"I would never consider otherwise, no matter what". They say, "Have a great day today wherever you are going and whatever you will be doing. They say all of this and so much more!

4. Does she have any idea how she is affecting the lives of those around her? Many times her small gesture in the form of a friendly wave was the only thing on that particular day that lifted my spirits, even if it was just for a moment. I don't even know her name and sometimes I have wanted to pull my car over, get out, and hug her. Who knows, maybe one day I will. I don't know, but I do know this: I look forward to seeing her. I miss her when she is not out walking. She makes me smile. How many people's lives has she touched with something as simple as a wave?

5. Her spirit is contagious. As soon as you spot her on the road, you know it's coming."The Wave". And then you cannot help yourself. You just have to! You want to! You can't imagine not! You have to make sure she sees you. You wave back. And not just any wave back. You do it with the enthusiasm you know she would be proud of! Wandering why you can't be the one to give someone else a smile, the one to change someone's day, the one to wave first!

SEEING IS BELIEVING

2010-08-01T20:21:00.001-05:00

And it's already August. See post dated 6/29/09, "I Never Promised You A Rose Garden".

TODAY IS DIFFERENT

2010-07-16T22:18:00.002-05:00

I would have to go back and check some dates, but I am fairly sure it is going on three years. Three years of not knowing where my daughter lived. Three years of not knowing whether or not she stayed with friends, rented an apartment or house, or lived in her car. HER CAR! Oh how that makes my heart ache. I am literally wiping the tears from my eyes as I type this, knowing there were times in the past three years when she had nowhere to go, nowhere to call her own, nowhere to lay her head, nowhere to settle, no where to feel safe and secure.

Even with our relationship mended, it has been necessary for me to not know or see where she lived. But...

Today is different!

Because today I know where she lives. I know where she calls her own. I know she has a bed to lie down on with clean linens and pillows and a pretty comforter. I know she will be cool this summer and warm this winter and water for bathing with fresh towels to dry off on. Today I know she will have a place to keep her clothes neat and a place to wash and dry them. I know she has plates and bowls to eat from and cups to drink from. Today I know she has yummy smelling candles to burn and sweet smelling soaps in her bathroom. I know she will have warm rugs to walk on and a pantry and refrigerator stocked with food. And all the things I take for granted every single day!!

For the first time ever, I have taken a part in making sure she has some of the things she needs to make her comfortable and happy living out on her own. And this makes me happy.

ASHLEY ADAMS

2010-07-11T19:25:00.000-05:00

The blog created by Ashley's mom, Trish, is the first blog I ever read. Ashleys Journal. I did not even know what a blog was. And could not for the life of me tell you how I stumbled across it, but I have followed her story faithfully. It is the story of their precious daughter and their journey through the life of a transplant. Trish has inspired me with her attitude and her ability to set aside all things that do not matter so much and put front and center all that does, like her children, all three of them. Right now Ashley is in critical condition and she and and her family need prayer. If you are reading this, please pray for little Ashley Kate Adams.

SILENCE

2010-07-11T11:27:00.014-05:00

IS NOT GOLDEN...

Not in this case.
It has been five days since I have heard from her.
She could call today and we could pick up where we left off last Tuesday.
I just don't know.
She has done this very thing before.
She called me. (Tuesday)
Many times throughout the day.
She asked if she could move home for a little while.
I told her she could.
She told me she would need a bed when she moved in with a friend.
I told her I would take care of it.
We talked about so many things.
She talked about giving her golden retriever away.
She cried and I listened.
I tried to encourage.
Maybe I said too much.
She sent me a text around nine that evening.
She was not coming.
It is the waiting and wondering that makes me crazy.
I have tried to communicate.
I have called, left messages, and texted.
She has not responded.
My mind begins to go in all sorts of directions.
But, I recognize the need take a step back.
Not push myself on her.
But, I hate this.
Where is she?

A couple of years ago, I would go weeks and even months without talking to her. I never knew where she was or what she was doing. I was consumed with so many emotions. But mainly I grieved. But, it was different then. Separation was the way I dealt with her and the decisions she was making. Before anyone passes judgment, you would have had to walk in my shoes to understand the process. I have walked one day at a time on this nearly three year journey, each day bringing different levels of emotions and understanding. My strength, my faith, and my love have grown to heights I never knew possible. I have witnessed the Almighty at work; miracle after miracle. If I had had the ability at the time to spare my sweet daughter from the direction she took, would I have? Yes. God knew this. He knew I would have done anything to spare her from this potentially life destroying decision. He did not give the choice to me. Throughout this journey she has changed. I have changed. This was His divine plan for both of us.

In the last couple of months she began saying yes God. And it was then when he began to open doors that were never open before. She recognized them. She walked through them. She told me she also began to recognize how Satan was working overtime.

This is what scares me about her silence.

Is she fighting with all her might or is she giving in to what Satan has deceived her into believing is the easy thing to do right now?

I cannot fight this for her. All I can do is pray for her and cheer her on. She knows I am here and when she avoids me I think the worst. It is as if she is a small child again. She has done something terribly wrong and is hiding from me. She is ashamed and to face me would bring out the shame. She also knows how excited I have been over her desire to get her life back on track. Is she afraid of disappointing me?

See! I told you my imagination is in over-drive.

God, she has been at the bottom. She told me so. I have to believe she does not want to be there anymore. And I know you do not want her there anymore. Open her eyes to Satan's lies. He is busy masking the ugly with beauty that is appealing to her senses. Wake her up. Let her see, smell, hear, and feel the stench and rottenest of all that she has surrounded herself with. Give her the strength and courage to do what she cannot do on her own. This week I have, indirectly, seen and felt her hurt and confusion. All the change is overwhelming to her even though she knows it is right. Give her something to cling to. Show her real beauty and not masked beauty. Allow her to know that any suffering she may endure in the process of receiving and enjoying your beauty will be worth it in the end. Let her know that her suffering is not necessarily punishment from you, but rather the consequences of where she has placed herself these past few years. I love her and cannot bear to see her struggle. So, no matter how hard and painful she thinks this is, give her the endurance to overcome. Encourage her.

God, encourage me. Would you give this mother peace of mind? Would you give me the phone call I terribly long for? God, would you? Thanking you for what you have and will continue to do in both of our lives. Amen.

In the meantime, I will wait. I will watch. And I will pray. I am here, precious daughter. I am here.

WOULD YOU - YOU WOULD

2010-07-08T10:04:00.011-05:00

TWO WORDS...TWO ARRANGEMENTS...TWO MEANINGS

This past Sunday, on July 4, my husband and I attended Metairie Baptist Church.

A little over two years ago we began looking for a church to attend during our weekends spent  in Louisiana. Keeping in mind that Baptist Churches are not located on every corner as we are used to seeing.  Catholic Churches? Yes! Along with just about any other denomination you can possibly think of. We went on the Internet and found a few we were interested in visiting; this list consisted of four or five.  However, the very first church we visited was not one of them.  It was a non-denominational church located just blocks from the house where my husband stays during the week and we both stay on occasional weekends.  We enjoyed the service but both agreed that it was probably not the right place for us. So, officially, Metairie Baptist was the first one on our list.

The church is located in a historical district approximately five minutes away from us.  The neighborhood is lovely and the houses surrounding it are quaint and VERY expensive. We know because we looked into a few of them thinking we could consider purchasing one. The church building itself is old and beautiful.  Our experience there on that particular morning was refreshing. And even though the music was a wonderful balance of old and new; the people were friendly; and the sermon moved us to tears, we still thought we would check it off the list and move on to the next church.

But, we never did! We have been drawn to this church and have visited every chance we get. My husband has even attended during the week. We would love to be able to get more involved, but have not figured that one out yet.

We have yet to find one thing about this church that we do not like. As I said earlier, the music is a wonderful balance of hymns and praise music. The Minister of Music is young, energetic, talented, and friendly. The same can be said of the Youth Minister. The congregation is a mix of young and old. The pastor is a middle-aged man. He and his family are from Tennessee. He is spirit-filled and his sermon's reflect that. They move me to tears and I usually leave the service full of emotions, even those of jealousy when a new family has joined. I am really confused as to why God has given us this wonderful church to attend in a city where we do not live and why we are still struggling to find one here in our own home town.

Overall the services at Metairie Baptist are God led, organized, polished, uplifting, and inspiring. One thing that stands out there is how often they stop to pray. The Youth Minister presents the church with the announcements and he prays, the Minister of Music prays a couple of times, and the Pastor prays for some of his congregation who have specific requests. He also prays at the beginning of his sermon and at the end of his sermon. Each prayer is specific, never lengthy, and truly heart-felt.

This past Sunday Pastor Strong prayed a prayer that gripped my heart and moved me in a way that I have never been moved before. I am not sure why, but I did not think to mention it to my husband after we left, but the next day he mentioned it to me. This prayer had affected him the same way it had me. It was a wake up call of sorts and possibly a life-changing moment for both of us.

It was not what the pastor said, it was how he said it. Think about the words we use to ask God for something. Here are some examples:

--God, please bring my daughter back to a place in her life that would please you.
--God, I pray that you would bring my daughter back to a place in her life that would please you.
--God, bring my daughter back to a place in her life that would please you.
--God, I want my daughter back to a place in her life that would please you.

Everyone of these requests are presented in the form of a command:

--Please bring!
--YOU WOULD!
--Bring!
--I want!

Pastor Strong prayed a prayer like one I have never heard in my life, like one my husband has never heard in his life. It was a yearning. It was full of respect, earnest desire, compassion, gentleness, and sweetness, yet so overwhelmingly powerful at the same time. It was the picture of a young son wanting something so badly and knowing he was at the mercy of his daddy to grant him his desire. "Father, would you take me fishing today? Would you?

God, would you bring my daughter back to place in her life that would please you? WOULD YOU?

HEAVEN CAME DOWN

2010-06-29T22:35:00.011-05:00

And Glory Filled My Soul.....

For some strange reason (at least I thought it strange at the time) these words from this gospel hymn that I have not heard or sang in a very long time came to my mind earlier in the day.

Tonight I understand. They were a glimpse into what was to come.

For...

Tonight we talked. We laughed. We cried. I heard her say things I never thought to ever hear her say.

I will not be able to record the conversation in its entirety, but I will remember and write as much as I possibly can.

She told me it was as if she had been asleep for over two years and was NOW awake.

She regrets the lost time.

She told me it HAD to happen.

She needed to hit rock bottom to wake her up to truly get it, to understand how blessed and wonderful her life was.

With all the gusto in the world she desires to get K (herself) back.

She told me she has already left her current situation mentally and emotionally, but physically it could not happen until September.

She has made plans to share an apartment with a high school friend.

This friend has played an important part in her "finding herself" once again.

She stays with this friend often, but for complex reasons (reasons that I completely understand) (reasons that are legitimate and not just excuses) she cannot do anything permanent until September.

We talked about and cried over a person who plays a key role in her current situation.

She is tormented over the condition of this person's soul.

I am tormented over the condition of this person's soul.

I know in the future we will both pray that someone will come into __________ life and share Christ and He will be accepted.

She has a tremendous amount of compassion for others, including this one she needs separation from.

She recognizes Satan and how He is at work. There is a dying grandmother and a sister who has just been diagnosed with cancer in this person's life.

She understands total and complete separation from this person will have to take place.

Tomorrow is her last day at her full time job.

She is excited.

They are giving her a going away party.

She read me the e-mail she composed for her co-workers. She has a gift for words!

She starts a new part time job this week.

Her co-workers at the current job are sad about her leaving and her new co-workers are excited about her coming. This tells so much about what kind of person she is. People love her.

I love her!!

She knows there is a reason for her life going in the direction it did. She accepts the fact that if she can save just one person from making the mistakes she did, it will have been worth it.

Her threshold for pain is minus zero. I know this. She knows this.

Still she desires to have a tattoo removed, one that could have an impact on her future, one that she is ashamed of.

She is in awe of how amazing God is.

She is aware of His timing.

She understands it was not until she reached this point that He would open the doors that have miraculously opened.

Prior to tonight's conversation she had already shocked me with her willingness to give away some of her pets so she would not be hindered and could move forward with her plans. (I had the opportunity months ago to talk to her in length about this and at the time she was closed minded in regards to giving one of them up much less three)

Tonight came an even bigger shock. She has been given an opportunity to give the one pet she vowed to never part with, a one hundred pound golden retriever, a home. She recognizes this as another door God has opened and she is willing to walk through it. The situation is so absolutely flawless for her and the dog. I am amazed!

She begins school in August.

She possibly has another job opportunity that could be "just what the doctor ordered" while she is in school.

I know I will probably think of something else I will wish I had remembered while writing this, but I think you get the point.

I get the point.

O what a tender, compassionate friend-
He met the need of my heart;
Shadows dispelling, With joy I am telling
He made all the darkness depart!

FIGMENTATION

2010-06-25T17:34:00.000-05:00

OF MY IMAGINKINATION???

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT!!!

(A SAYING FROM POPEYE THE SAILOR MAN)

I am not sure why I have never asked a friend with a grown child if they allow their imaginations to run as wild as I do on this matter:

But...

Every time my son or daughter call me and their voice seems low or I think I hear a sound other than a clear voice on the other end, here is the image I see:

Their vehicle is mangled and in a ditch
They spot their cell phone and manage to reach it and
Punch in my number because it is the first one that comes to their mind
Just as I answer the phone, they can no longer stay conscious enough to talk
And now I am suppose to figure out where they are and go to them

Crazy or what?????

HALLELUJAH!!

2010-06-23T09:44:00.004-05:00

QUESTION: Who can you stand before with tears streaming down your face whining, complaining, begging, pleading, and spilling your heart out to for hours on end and they consider it to be music to their ears?

ANSWER: God

I had a "heart melting" moment this morning on my way to work while listening to this song and realizing how much He loves me!

God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a hallelujah sometimes.
God loves the drunkards cry,
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.

The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out, singing out.
Better than a Hallelujah somtimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.

BETTER THAN A HALLELUJAH SOMETIMES.

HERE'S WHAT I MIGHT SAY

2010-06-18T20:17:00.006-05:00

I recently wrote this post where I talked about how I am sometimes tempted while out shopping to approach mothers who are not dealing very well with children who are misbehaving.

HERE IS WHAT I MIGHT SAY TO THEM:

-Don't get upset over your child's restlessness. Playing is their favorite pastime, not shopping.
-Don't blame them for asking for toys, candy, etc. When we see something and want it, we buy it. They can't. They have to ask. Besides that, the store designed the toy department especially for their viewing enjoyment.
-Take advantage of having their face in yours. Plant kisses on it.
-Do not take this filled up little buggy seat for granted. One day it will be empty. Well, not entirely empty. It will keep your eggs safe, your purse nearby, and your bread from getting smashed. Trust me when I tell you that eggs and bread will never look into your eyes with all the love this world has to offer.

AND THEN I WOULD SAY...

-Go ahead, buy them a toy.

AND WHILE ON A ROLL, I MIGHT ALSO SAY THIS:

-If you have a child who is independent, be proud, they probably inherited it from you.
-Do not think an independent child does not need you. They do!
-Do not fight it, just learn when and how to gently "reel" them in when necessary.
-Allow them to be the individual that God created them to be.
-If they are asking you for hot pink fingernail polish or fake tattoos, do not be overly concerned. It's ok if they like shiny, glittery things.
-This does not mean they will grow up to become someone you would have to pretend you did not know if you ran into them on a "street corner".
-Chances are their taste in fashion will probably change and eventually become more refined.
-Do not spend your weekend cleaning house, spend it with them.
-Do not let them grow up to only remember that you were a clean freak.
-Give them memories of fun things you did together.
-THEY do not care if the house is clean and chances are no one else does.
-When they grow up and leave home, you will have all the time in the world to clean.
-And guess what? By then YOU will not care anymore.
-Waste no time, and I repeat, no time in trying to prove ANYTHING to yourself or to others.
-Know when it is time to give up something and make necessary changes, even if the changes are major ones.
-Do not despair if they are followers and not leaders.
-Leaders need followers.
-Just pray more.
-Pray they will follow the right ones and into the right direction.
-Do not expect them to mimic your personality.
-They may have needs and desires completely opposite to yours.
-Let them express their personality through clothes and shoes that they get to pick out on occasion.
-Let them decorate their own rooms.
-No one will think any less of your decorating abilities if they chose the latest Disney character as the theme.
-Let them be creative.
-Even if it means using markers, glitter, or play doh in the house.
-And if they have an indescribable love for animals, let them have a pet, a real pet.
-Forget about trying to keep your carpet looking new for a lifetime.
-Never expect them to understand how "good" they have it.
-Give them something to compare their life to.
-Do everything possible to take them on a foreign mission trip.
-Talk less.
-Listen more.
-Do not be a brick wall.
-Be a sifter.
-Help them to sort through all that life throws at them, teaching them to know what is worth keeping and what needs to be thrown out.
-Be consistent, and be constant.
-Be authoritative, but also be approachable.
-And last but definitely not least , love them like they will grow up and leave you one day.
-Because, guess what? They will.

THIS AND PROBABLY SO MUCH MORE IS WHAT I MIGHT SAY!

MY DAUGHTER: THE DÉBUTANTE QUEEN

2010-06-18T09:10:00.008-05:00

Early this morning my daughter shared this dream with me that she had during the night:

She dreamed that I (her own mother) was MAKING her be a contestant in a débutante pageant. She was furious with me because of it. We showed up at this community center event with only thirty minutes to spare. The other girls (the ones in the elegant, long, flowing gowns) were already lined up. She took her place in line, AS A DÉBUTANTE, sporting a red fuzzy vest with a long sleeve black t underneath and black leggings, but not before she touched up the bright orange polish that was chipped on her big toe nails that were sticking out of her black stilettos. (Like anyone would have gotten past the outfit to notice the chipped polish on her toe nails!)

Hahaha! You can't make this stuff up!!!

We laughed ourselves silly.

She told me the reason for the dream HAD to be because of a childhood memory; one she cannot keep suppressed; one that involves a hideous homemade cheerleader outfit and a homecoming court. Let me explain. Briefly.

During her early elementary years she attended a private Christian school. The dress code was extremely strict. She was a cheerleader (along with her entire class of 10 or so) for the basketball team. Their outfits were quite pathetic to say the least. Because of the school's strict dress code, everything these poor kids wore looked as if they were four or five sizes too big for them including the cheerleader outfit. They consisted of over sized yellow sweatshirts and royal blue, homemade, as-ugly-as-you-can-get, below-the-knees, baggy culottes.

She and I attended this homecoming game together. The second we entered the gymnasium a staff member "swooped" down on her desperately needing a "favor". It appeared that one of the court members, the homecoming queen possibly (I can't remember) had gotten very ill at the last minute and was not able to attend. She ~~asked~~ begged my daughter to fill in. I still remember watching my daughter agonize over the decision. She felt honored that they would ask her (what she did not realize was that the other two class mates who were also NOT a member of the court and who had also come dressed to cheer, had already said NO!!!) (Don't really know if this happened, just guessing!!) She also knew that the "sore thumb" sticking out of the "court" would be her.

Her one and maybe only chance for Cinderella-ism, only without the fairy god-mother, carriage, ball gown, or glass slippers.

Can you imagine a mother allowing her precious little girl who LOVED to dress up in everything fancy to escort a homecoming king dressed in a suit and tie (who evidently could not walk without a girl on his arm) down the court in front of ~~thousands~~ ~~hundreds~~ OK tens of people dressed in a poorly homemade, over sized, down right UGLY cheerleader suit, tennis shoes, and white socks along side all the other "queens" in their ball gowns?? And did I mention that it was raining cats and dogs that evening. We were both drenched.

Well I can!

And I did!

And have pictures to prove it.

Oh boy, is hind sight not 20-20 or what??

No wonder she is, 16 years later, still having nightmares!

Poor girl!

At least we can still laugh about it.

And laugh we did!!

And laughing with her is a good thing.

A very very good thing!!

"I NEED TO GO GET SOME PENCILS"

2010-06-16T07:19:00.003-05:00

Her first words as she walked in the door of my office yesterday waving her paperwork in front of me. Needless to say she was excited over having just enrolled in school for the fall semester. It has been her desire for a long time and now it had become a reality.

I had to smile when she made the statement knowing what she meant: The smell! Nothing like the smell of freshly sharpened pencils! Along with all the other school supplies that signify a brand new school year. But for her, they signify so much more:

-A new beginning
-A fresh start
-An opportunity to get some things right, to do better
-Understanding that some things are not permanent
-Mistakes can be erased or forgiven
-A promising future ahead of her

She was unsettled during our visit, mainly due to excitement, but also due to so many uncertainties. Over lunch and during the drive to and from we talked about some of the new challenges about to unfold for her. I encouraged her to take one step at a time allowing God to lead and to try not to worry over all that lies ahead. I know this will be difficult for her. It will be difficult for me as well!

Prayer requests:

-That she will be able to get right back into the groove of school.
-That the part time job she has applied for will become available if it is the right thing for her to do
- Her finances (She has already paid off two of her three credit card debts. I am so proud of her.)
-Good grades (Important for the degree she is pursuing)

There are SO many more and as time goes by, I would like to share specific ones with you.

Today; however; I am going to buy her some pencils!

IN SPITE OF MYSELF

2010-06-14T17:20:00.004-05:00

He loves me anyway. And He wanted me to know this. He also wanted me to know that she does too. At 3:14 I posted a prayer:

Help me to trust you even when I cannot reach out to her. Capture her attention. Please, God, give her a gift today. Allow her to become overwhelmed with how much her mother loves her. I do not know how you will accomplish this; I just know you can.

At 4:13 she sent me a text from work: I am going to be over your way tomorrow if you want to go eat lunch.

This may not be profound to anyone else, but it is to me!

“For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth to shew himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect (made ready) toward him.” II Chronicles 16:9

Thank you, Father, for showing yourself strong in behalf of me today. Thank you, for showing me that she held me in her heart and had me on her mind. Only you knew how important it was for me to know that.

"WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY?"

2010-06-14T15:14:00.011-05:00

My husband and I were in town over the weekend and I saw a mom trying to deal with her two small children who obviously did not want to be riding around in a shopping cart in T.J. Maxx on a Sunday afternoon!! I made this statement to him (one that I have made many times before {usually to myself}, especially when I see the manner in which some mothers deal with their children out in public): "I wish I could do it all over again. I wish they were little again." And then he asked, "What would you do differently?" My answer: ENJOY THEM MORE!!!!

I want to run up to these mothers and plead with them, "There are no second chances. They have only one childhood and you have only one time to get it right. Don't mess it up!!!" I don't of course, but I have been tempted more times than I care to mention.

On this journey, I never know what memories, emotions, or thoughts, I may face from day to day. Today for some reason I have shed tears filled with longings.

I miss her! She declined my invitation to meet us for church and lunch yesterday.

When things are not the way they should be between my daughter and myself I want to fix it. But I want to go back and fix the root of it. Satan begins to unveil ALL the mistakes I made as a mother. I know better than to listen, but sometimes the thoughts are too loud to drown out and the hurt is too deep to go away.

Please don't get me wrong. I was not a terrible mom! But, I also know I made mistakes along the way. I could make a list of them for you, but I will spare you.  Besides, it would not benefit me or her or anyone else whatsoever.  I truly believe this is not from God.

He does NOT want me to dwell on the "what ifs" or regrets; nor does He want me "stuck" in the past. But rather, He would have me "moving" ahead, not repeating the same mistakes, but learning from them. And this is what I strive to do most of the time, honestly I do. But on occasion "guilt" comes a-knocking and I foolishly let it in.

God, please clear my thoughts. I do not want them given over to anything that would harm me.  The hours and minutes of THIS day are ticking away. I want to enjoy them more!! Help me to listen to my heart, the place where You dwell and He does not.  Help me to be better today than I was yesterday and to not make the same mistakes that I made yesterday. Help me tomorrow that I will not regret today.

Help me to trust you even when I cannot reach out to her. Capture her attention.  Please, God, give her a gift today. Allow her to become overwhelmed with how much her mother loves her.  I do not know how you will accomplish this; I just know you can.

God, my past is just what it is: my past. Help me to not be sad over it. Help me to be glad in what I can accomplish, through you, in the days ahead of me. Help me as I strive to ENJOY THEM (my husband, son, daughter, mom, dad, brother, other family members, friends, job, house, talents, abilities, and every other aspect of my life) MORE.

Amen

HER WORDS. NOT MINE.

2010-06-13T08:35:00.001-05:00

Her Facebook status this morning:

Straight from her heart and Jeremiah 29:11

Learning that my "worry" about a situation isn't going to do anything to change it! I have had several things that I have been worried sick about "how am I going to do that?", "Or how am I going to make this work out?" And I am amazed as I am watching everything fall out of the blue into place before my eyes ....... Comforting to know that I was taken care of long before I was ever thought about. So why do I worry?! It is under control and my "help" is not needed!

For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me."

DOUBTS AROSE & FEARS DISMAYED

2010-06-12T07:40:00.003-05:00

"She is trying to find her way home"

Is what I wrote in my last post.

This morning I doubted those words. I feared it would never really happen.

And then God brought this song (one that I have not heard in a very long time) to my memory. I began humming the tune before I could even remember the words...

HIGHER GROUND

I’m pressing on the upward way,
New heights I’m gaining every day;
Still praying as I’m onward bound,
“Lord, plant my feet on higher ground.”

Refrain:
Lord, lift me up and let me stand,
By faith, on Heaven’s tableland,
A higher plane than I have found;
Lord, plant my feet on higher ground.

My heart has no desire to stay
Where doubts arise and fears dismay;
Though some may dwell where those abound,
My prayer, my aim, is higher ground.

I want to live above the world,
Though Satan’s darts at me are hurled;
For faith has caught the joyful sound,
The song of saints on higher ground.

I want to scale the utmost height
And catch a gleam of glory bright;
But still I’ll pray till heav’n I’ve found,
“Lord, plant my feet on higher ground.”

FRIEND OR FOE

2010-06-11T16:34:00.010-05:00

I woke very early this morning and had some quite time before I had to get out of bed. My mind began to wander and here is one of the places it wandered to: A strange comparison of sorts.

Chloe, my toy poodle, alerts us when an intruder walks or rolls onto our property.

She barks, she whines, she runs back and forth from the windows and doors, pants, growls, and jumps up and down. This behavior almost always gets our attention and causes us to investigate the cause of it.

And then we react:

-To a Friend: Open the door and welcome them inside. When she realizes we are ok with the visitor she then changes her tune. The distressed behavior turns into excitement. Her entire body begins to shake with it. Mom and Dad like them and so does she.

-To a Foe: (The "foe" has never been anything other than a stray animal: dog, cat, raccoon, chipmunk, or sometimes armadillo.) We usually try to scare the intruder away to quieten her down and with the safety of our cat in mind.

On occasion she has had the opportunity to confront the foe face to face instead of from behind a window pane. She does so cautiously. If the foe (usually a stray dog) appears friendly enough and accepts her presence she hangs close even after it decides to move on. She follows it and runs down the street, stopping occasionally to look back at us as we frantically and to the top of our lungs attempt to call her back. She continues on, not knowing her destination or understanding the dangers that await her. She is oblivious. She follows the enemy out of her safety zone, into the busy street dodging huge things that could squash her and encountering those who would not waste time trying to fool her with masked friendliness, but rather devour her immediately. She does this without a single thought of the consequences or understanding that once she gets too far there may never be a turning point. She does not consider that she would be solely responsible for her own physical needs. She does consider her mom and dad and how sad they would be and how much they would miss her and worry about her everyday. She does this not understanding that her new companion does not really care about her or her well-being, only themselves.

How many times I have wished I could understand why she would be so willing to leave a place where she is so loved and taken care of!

Curiosity? To see if the grass is really greener on the other side? Adventure? Would she miss us? Would she remember her wonderful life here? Would she realize her mistake? Would she try to find her way home? Would she find us?

After retrieving her more than once from this fate, our emotions have been mixed with relief, thankfulness, and anger. Although the relief and thankfulness usually win out, she also gets scolded for her disobedience.

And when she gets in trouble she pouts and acts like a child. It is really funny. She will not make eye contact with us.

Is she disappointed, mad, or too ashamed to look at us?

I cannot answer any of these questions for my little poodle.

However, my daughter could.

She knows!

-She understands the pull and intrigue of the enemy
-The tricks they used to lure her away
-And the world that enticed her
-She knows all the hows and whys
-And the color of the grass on the other side
-Yes, she does long for and miss our relationship (the way it should be and use to be)
-Yes, she remembers the comforts and security of home
-She does realize and understand her mistakes
-She is trying to find her way home
-She has traveled far and the journey back is long and difficult
-But she knows it is still possible
-Disappointed and mad? At herself!
-But mainly ashamed
-And also the reason for little eye contact and few words yesterday during our brief encounter

FRIEND OR FOE??

-She knows them both
-Having to learn the difference
-The most difficult part

A PROFOUND STATEMENT

2010-06-09T19:21:00.000-05:00

FROM A PROFOUND DAUGHTER:

(She is responding to a text message I sent her earlier today. I have not talked to her since she returned from the trip she took last week.)

"I love you too, mom. And you weren't the cause of it. ("It" being the guilt that overwhelmed her about the trip. See post entitled, "Denial" ) I'm the cause of it. No one can fight the battle but me and I am trying..."

I could say so much about this, but right now my heart is too heavy. I have a daughter out there in this cold, cruel world feeling alone, unsheltered, and vulnerable fighting the enemy with all her might and this mother cannot go rescue her.

THE TIES THAT BIND

2010-06-08T19:12:00.002-05:00

I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT A NEW FRIEND.

Actually,our paths have crossed many times over the past decade or so, but we were nothing more than casual acquaintances, until recently that is. We are now kindred spirits who:

-Are close in age
-Live in the same town
-Actually in the same community
-Share the same Godly principles
-And family values
-And are married
-To our children's father
-Each have two children
-An older daughter and a younger son
-Who are the same age (late teens/early 20's)and
-Who share like personalities

It was not until AFTER our relationship changed that we discovered these similarities in our lives. They were NOT what brought us together. No, our spirits were bound because we both share so much more:

-Two babies and a desire to keep them forever safe and protected
-With the reality of knowing that we would not always be able to do this for them
-Devoted to teaching and preparing them for their futures
-Hopeful that they would always keep and use the knowledge they had been taught and the wisdom that was hidden in their hearts to stay protected
-Wanting victory
-Wanting truth, righteousness, preparation, faith, salvation, the Word, and prayer to be their shield
-Boldly displayed armors so that in a crowd it would cause them to stand out, but at the same time it would also protect them
-Standing on the sidelines
-Learning to let go, little by little
-Watching them soar
-Cheering
-And praying
-A glimpse of victory
-Blindsided by attacks,
-Distractions,
-Temptations,
-Bad decisions,
-Peer pressure,
-And rebellion
-Watching battle after battle play out in their lives
-Crying
-Praying harder
-The bitter taste of defeat
-Disbelief
-Numbness
-Anger
-Confusion
-Guilt
-Disappointment
-Sadness
-Shame
-The desire to fight
-Weariness, wanting, at times, to throw in the towel and give up
-Floods of so many more emotions (too many to list)
-Working through each and every one of them sometimes over and over again
-Seriously considering possible alien abduction
-Not liking their replacements
-Knowing it was no longer a simple matter of kissing a bobo, placing a band-aid, or choosing which punishment to enforce: time-out, grounding, lecturing, or spanking
-Learning our place in the midst of it all
-Learning to stand firm on the Truth while trying to maintain a relationship with them
-Remembering God's way
-Forgiveness
-Unconditional love
-Learning to let go of the guilt and not blame ourselves
-Learning to deal with disappointment as we watch them sway back and forth while they deal with convictions and temptations
-Watching
-Waiting
-Concern over how their futures will be affected
-At the same time, knowing God has a plan for them
-As well as for us
-Trusting Him with it
-Hopeful that some day they will want to and be able to use their stories to help others and share Christ
-In the meantime...
-Recognizing those He places in our path to help us along the way and those we can help
-Dealing with what comes our way the ONLY way we know how to
-Full of joy
-Peace
-Long-suffering
-Gentleness
-Goodness
-Meekness
-Temperance
-And thankfulness
-Yes, thankfulness...only through
-Him

EVEN THOUGH THIS IS NOT A PATH EITHER ONE OF US WANT TO BE ON, THANK YOU MY FRIEND, FOR SHARING AND CARING.

REALITY

2010-06-05T10:32:00.001-05:00

Came knocking on my door this morning and I let it in. Oh, how I wish I had not because it is not being my friend!

After a student/parent orientation that lasted all day yesterday, I feel a ~~little~~ tremendously weepy this morning as my thoughts are on this:

-A clean but EMPTY bedroom

-A clean but EMPTY bathroom

-An quite but EMPTY house

-Coming home from work to this entirely too clean, too quite, and empty house

-August 14 (move out day)

-Ole Miss

-An apartment

-Roommates other than mom and dad

-The aching and longing that I already know I will have to see him

-My "baby boy" four hours away from me

OK, I need to go have a good cry before he gets up. Hopefully it will make me feel better.(For a little while anyway)

DENIAL

2010-06-03T07:47:00.006-05:00

My step-mom has been sick for several weeks now and has been seeing a doctor. On Tuesday of last week she had some procedures performed to possibly find out the reason for her problems. I called and talked to my dad immediately after the procedures and have called and talked to him twice since then to check on her. According to him all went well, the tests showed nothing unusual and she was making vast improvements. This past Tuesday she had a follow up visit with her doctor to discuss the test results and follow up treatment. I called to get a report on how this went:

This time she answered the phone instead of my dad. She began telling me how the doctor wanted to proceed with diagnosing the mass found in her stomach as the initial biopsy was inconclusive. He wanted to send her to Oshsners Hospital for further biopsies. But in the end he agreed with her request to see a local surgeon and schedule surgery to have it removed. This would require hospitalization and a major operation.

The above is a summary of what took her several minutes to tell me all the while I am scratching my head. "Ok, how did I miss this? I have talked to dad three, THREE times since her out-patient procedures. Did she ask him not to say anything in the beginning? Did he forget to tell me? Did he in fact mention it and I forgot? Is this a new development, something she just found out today at her follow up visit?"

When I was finally able to ask her some of these questions, she responded: You have not talked to me. You have only talked to your dad. He has not told a single person.

WHY?

She did not have an explanation, other than this: He lost his previous wife to a devastating cancer and his way of dealing with this diagnosis is to simply not talk about it. In other words:

DENIAL: Psychology. An unconscious defense mechanism characterized by refusal to acknowledge painful realities, thoughts, or feelings.

My dad, no matter how differently he may describe it, is in DENIAL. He would say it's nothing, they (the doctors) do not think it is anything to worry about, or everything is going to be ok. And while ALL of that may be true, the fact is: If he doesn't talk about it then it is not real.

Now, on a completely different note I am about to record a conversation I had with my daughter via text yesterday. It will not make sense to you without having knowledge of its origin and I apologize for that, but it is important for me to journal these kinds of things, in hopes that one day I/she can make sense of it all. I want to always remember the details, especially the magnitude of God as time and time again we have witnessed Him carry us through this journey.

ME: Do u think u could stay with (the dog) tomorrow night?

(We needed to go out of town for the evening , and I wanted her to stay at our house and dog-sit)

HER: I know this is going to upset you and I did not want to tell you because I knew it would but I feel guilty not telling you. I am going out of town until Monday. Leaving tomorrow. Have had it planned and paid for since January. Do not want to go anymore but don't want to throw the money down the drain. Torn. But don't have much longer.......I'm sorry and I love you.

ME: OK. Have had to read between the lines, but I guess it is what it is. Not upset. Love U 2.

HER: I know you are upset and disappointed. Have a right to be. Want to say I'm sorry but know those are shallow words. But believe me I am.

ME: ______, I don't view this any differently than your current living arrangement unless I am missing something here. I have come a long way in accepting the fact that I can do nothing about decisions u make, right or wrong ones. I will be very thankful when u turn ur back on the situation u r in right now, but until then I have to be content with how God has worked in ur heart already. Still praying because He is not finished with you yet. I love you.

{I am clueless as to what this actual trip is all about or where she is going, but I do have my suspicions about the guilt trip.}

As I dealt with the situation with my dad and step-mom during the first part of the week and as sad as the whole denial thing made me, I was reminded yesterday that I too have been a passenger aboard "SS DENIAL".

The opposite of DENIAL is acceptance. In a sense I have been in a state of denial throughout this journey. Denying it means that I refuse to accept it because accepting it would mean that I was OK with it.

Wow! I could be my own therapist!!

However, I refuse to DENY this: I want this journey to be over!

This: I realize that no matter how bad I want it to be over and want it to be only a memory and a tool for my daughter to use to benefit others, the fact is: It is NOT over.

And This: God has truly done a work in her, changing the desires of her heart.

This: She has not been willing to throw down and flee from her current situation and trust Him with the rest. She wants to plan and map out her future.

Or This: It saddens me to know she is missing out on seeing God do unimaginable things!

And especially this:He has a plan. She is part of it. He chose her. I am also a part of it. He chose me.

Or this: I do not want to miss out on what my part is.

But, mainly this: "Take, my brethren, the prophets, who have spoken in the name of the Lord, for an example of suffering affliction, and of patience. Behold, we count them happy which endure. Ye have heard of the patience of Job, and have seen the end of the Lord, that the Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy." James 5: 10-11

But.....I DID enjoy my meal!!

2010-05-29T13:47:00.010-05:00

Yesterday, I had lunch at Red Lobster on the Gulf Coast with my daughter and some friends of ours. I very much so ENJOYED the company.

My daughter split an appetizer, a seafood nacho platter, with someone else, but I tasted a small portion of it. Very ENJOYABLE! I ordered unsweetened tea with lemon. ENJOYED! The cheese biscuits came out and I "ENJOYABLY" ate one of those while waiting on my order, a grilled shrimp salad and gumbo in a bread bowl. The salad, I ENJOYED. Every lettuce leaf, shrimp, tomato, cucumber, croûton, etc. was good. The gumbo, well, NOT SO ENJOYABLE. As a matter of fact it tasted so nasty I could not eat it. I took about three bites, hoping each time the next one would be better, but it was not, instead it got worse. I moved it off of my plate and placed it by my daughter so she could try it. She felt the same way I did, so the bowl of gumbo pretty much looked untouched.

Not one time did it ever cross my mind to complain. I was plenty full after having eaten: a portion of an appetizer, a cheese biscuit, a grilled shrimp salad, french bread, and two glasses of tea.

ENJOYED!

When the waiter came to ask how we wanted our tickets divided, I told him to put mine and my daughter's together. I truly never expected to hear what he was about to say to me: "You will not have a ticket because you did NOT ENJOY your meal". I wanted to argue, but decided to not spoil the "moment". It was an unbelievable one, and one that left me speechless for a second or two. I almost felt guilty, no I actually DID feel guilty, because I did ENJOY my meal! But, his unexpected act of kindness had just made it all the more ENJOYABLE!

After he left our table, the others began teasing: "Well, we didn't enjoy our meal either!?"

(By the way, I left him a sizable tip that more than covered my portion of the food I had eaten!)

Wouldn't this world be a more ENJOYABLE place to live in if more people were like my very observant and generous waiter at Red Lobster??

OBSERVING

2010-05-11T18:36:00.001-05:00

I observe things. I have always been able to see and hear the tiniest of details, ones that maybe no one else can. Sometimes this is a good thing and sometimes it is not.

This past Saturday, the day before Mother's Day, I made a discovery.  I was not shocked or angry, but rather sad and disappointed. It was confirmation to something already suspected.  My husband and I discussed when and how to handle the situation. He decided it would be best to allow some time to pass and he would take the responsibility of revealing the discovery.

(I hate it when someone posts just enough information on facebook to leave everyone guessing. I have always thought they should share all or nothing. And now here I am doing the same thing on my blog.)

I am sorry that I have to be vague about my "discovery", but I had to mention it because it is one of the reasons for this:

MY WEEKEND OBSERVATIONS:

1. I OBSERVED GOD'S SIGNATURE ON AN E-MAIL

After my "discovery" on Saturday, I had some errands to run. While busying myself in town and dealing with discouragement, I received this e-mail:   "Hi Lynn. Just wanted to tell you I think you are a terrific mom, and I have always looked up to you in so many ways, but especially as a mother. I love you... Happy Mothers Day!!!"

It was from a friend who lost her toddler son several years ago in an extremely tragic accident.

I responded: Oh, ______! Possibly...in years to come...I will be able to share with you what your words meant to me on this very day. I am always awestruck when I see God do something and today He did. Thank you for being his mouthpiece. As a mother, you have walked where many of us have not and I so admire your strength and courage. I love you,too. Happy Mothers Day.

2. I OBSERVED GOD USE A BLUNDER I MADE

On the way to church Sunday, we were listening to a Casting Crown's CD. My husband commented on the words to the song that was playing, questioning their meaning. I pulled the cover out of the plastic case and started reading the introduction. It was not until later that I realized I had read the wrong intro. The one I read was for the song, "Stained Glass Masquerade". I do not have the cover available to document the intro word for word, but it talked of hypocrites, somebody who pretends to have admirable principles, beliefs, or feelings, but behave otherwise. Here are the lyrics to the chorus:

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade
Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage
The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart
But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

It was not by accident that I read these words. Hopefully, they planted a seed in a heart that needs to understand truth. They put a situation into perspective and possibly gave my husband the spring board he will use when he is faced with the confrontation to reveal my "discovery".

3. I OBSERVED MY DAUGHTER

Through the unanswered phone calls, unanswered text messages, and unreturned calls over the past couple of weeks, I have sensed her pulling away, AGAIN. She spent the afternoon at my house on Sunday. I felt her presence in body only. All I can do is continue to watch, wait, and pray. Mostly pray.

Dear God, I want my children be OBSERVERS. Help them to DISTINGUISH the truth from Satan's lies.   Show them the importance of IDENTIFYING with you and not with this world, as well as, the importance of ACCEPTING the responsibilities that come with being children of the King, REALIZING there will be consequences for their actions. If you choose to reveal your plan to us in the future, the reason for this journey and the trials we have faced on it, please allow this family to be AWARE of how you used it to change us. Protect my children in the present and help them in the future to UNDERSTAND. Allow them to be willing to share their experiences so that others may KNOW you. AMEN

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY

2010-05-07T13:49:00.000-05:00

IN HONOR OF:

My mother: Brenda

My mother-in-law: Lillie

My step-mother: Minnie

IN MEMORY OF:

My grandmother: Irene

My grandmother: Daisy

My step-grandmother: Lilllian

My step-mother: Elaine

My sister-in-law's mother: Betty

YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY BABY TO GET WHERE YOU'RE GOING TODAY

2010-05-02T14:01:00.003-05:00

This blog was created because of my daughter and her life choices. It has been devoted to my journey along the way. In the beginning there was rebellion; there was separation; there was hurt; there was anger,disbelief, and confusion.

She made a bad choice and her heart belonged to God. Her mind and heart clashed. Because of this clash or rebellion she became a mean spirited person, especially towards those of us who would verbally disapprove. She also hid from us - just as Adam and Eve did, ashamed of their actions, knowing they were wrong and not wanting to face their Father. In the beginning the hurt and pain were so intense that separation was ok with me. Because of my anger and disbelief an "out of sight out of mind" attitude was my way of coping. I was confused to the point that I could not figure out how I could ever manage a relationship with her outside of accepting her choices. There was a HUGE hole in my heart, one that only God could fill. And He did!

He directed me back to her. I never stopped loving her. I stopped letting her know I loved her. He showed me how to build a bridge. The bridge she would walk across, the one that would carry her to the other side of her bad choices. A bridge like the one He builds for me, the bridge of unconditional love. He began to show me that I did not have to accept her choices and I did not have to understand them but I HAD to love her through to the other side of them with the confidence and knowledge that with His help I could do it. She would reach the other side a better person, I would be a better person, and God would get the glory for it all.

She has not yet made it to the other side, although I like to think she is close. She is presently suffering from the consequences of her choices, trapped in conditions she cannot figure out how to free herself from. And I have learned along the way that I cannot carry her across. I can; however, be the solid foundation that will get her there. I will love her,encourage her, and pray for her until I know she has made it safely to the other side. My heart's greatest desire is that some day she will use her life experiences to rescue others from making the same mistakes or giving those who already have the hope that they too can cross to the other side.

I said all of this... to share this: The birthday card, or booklet, she gave me for my birthday last week.

It speaks volumes in regards to what God has done in our lives and just how far she has come on what I want to believe is the last leg of this journey. For me it was not only a birthday card from my daughter, it was also God wrapping his arms around me and kissing me on the cheek!

FRONT COVER:
Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday!
My Hero My Friend My Mom
LOVE is what happens while you're living day by day.
Time goes by too fast.

INSIDE:
Little Girl Days
"Mommy & Me" days -
they all blend together
into one long, happy time
when I felt protected
& learned the world was a safe place
where love held me up
& never let me down.

Everything I am today
is because of that
unconditinal love.
It was there at the beginning
& made me able
to grow into who I am now.

Becoming Friends
If there's one thing
a girl needs
during those tough years
of growing up,
it's someone who
boosts her confidence
when it feels
like the rest
of the world
is conspiring against her.
Someone patient enough
to keep on loving
& guiding through
good days & bad.
In other words,
a great mom.

Some True Things
Picture this:
Years from now,
us sitting on a porch somewhere,
laughing, telling old stories,
having gotten through
to the other side of life
where there's time enough
for sifting & sorting
& examining each memory
like the treasure it is.
Here's something today
for you to pack away
in your memory kit -
I want you to have it now:

I love you so much.
I always have. I always will.

Signed: "Happy 50th!! I love you!! K

A FREAK OF NATURE???

2010-04-30T08:19:00.000-05:00

I am inclined to think so, considering my history and past record of vegetation mutilation!

50 THINGS + 50 MORE THINGS (BECAUSE 50 WAS NOT ENOUGH) I LOVED ABOUT MY 50TH BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION

2010-04-29T22:46:00.006-05:00

1. THURSDAY, APRIL 22, 2010 - The evening drive to New Orleans with my daughter after she got off work.
2. The birthday lunch I had with my mom earlier in the day.
3. The gift card she (my mom) gave me from Bed Bath & Beyond.
4. The card from my niece.
5. The picture drawn by her dog, Sadie.
6. The note from my niece on the drawing: "She (Sadie) REALLY drew it"
7. The talks my daughter and I had in the car on the way to New Orleans pertaining to her dreams, goals, and ambitions.
8. The poodle who rode in the back seat quiet and content because she was getting to go "bye-bye".
9. The Subway sandwiches on the way.
10. Watching my daughter as she texted her dad in the car and hearing her laugh each time he texted her back.
11. Knowing they were up to something pertaining to my birthday and having fun with it.
12. FRIDAY, APRIL 23, 2010 - Waking up, knowing we had five whole days to be together, doing what we wanted to, when we wanted to.
13. McDonald's drive through for our late breakfast/early lunch.
14. Grocery shopping at Wal-Mart.
15. The time that FLEW by while in Wal-Mart.
16. Not realizing we had been in there for several hours when I finally realized it was 2:30 shortly after I hung up the phone telling my son to wait until around 1:00 to decide when he would drive down because of the weather.
17. The downpour while in Wal-Mart.
18. The ponchos my daughter went back inside to purchase after we had already checked out just so we could get to the car without getting soaked.
19. The fact that we got soaked anyway.
20. As well as the fact that it stopped raining just as soon as we got home and unloaded ALL the groceries.
21. My husband's early arrival home from work.
22. T.J. Maxx.
23. The turquoise canister I purchased.
24. The "silly" game we were playing when I spotted it. My husband tries to guess my favorite item on an aisle or on a shelf. (He usually never gets it right, but this time he did)
25. My son and his girlfriend arriving.
26. The grilled shrimp, salad, and hamburgers for supper.
27. Having my son's favorite French bread waiting for him.
28. Whole Foods.
29. Cookies: short bread with chocolate drops.
30. Barnes & Noble.
31. Scattergories.
32. The laughter over my daughter's answer for an item of clothing that starts with the letter C: CLOAKS.
33. SATURDAY, APRIL 24, 2010 - HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
34. Hearing my family up and scurrying around in the dining room.
35. The phone calls from family members.
36. The happy birthday wishes from family and friends on facebook.
37. The Pandora bracelet and charms from my husband, daughter, and son.
38. Knowing my daughter was behind the idea, as well as, the purchasing of the bracelet.
39. Knowing how important it was for her to have something special to give me on this particular birthday.
40. The card from my husband.
41. But especially the card from my daughter.
42. The tears that it brought to my eyes.
43. The joy that it brought to my heart.
44. The comfort that it brought to my soul.
45. The earrings from my sister-in-law.
46. The bath products, candle, and decorative wrought iron cart from my daughter.
47. The "Queen's Caffeine" coffee and mug from my daughter.
48. Especially the story behind the "Queen's Caffeine" mug (the reason for all the texting between my daughter and husband during the drive down)
49. The John Besh Cookbook from my husband.
50. The Mall of Louisiana in Baton Rouge.
51. Seeing the Blue Bayou Waterpark on the way and my children's excitement and anticipation as they planned summer visits to it.
52. VooDoo Barbecue.
53. CC's Community Coffee House and Turtle Mochasippi
54. Laughing our heads off in the food court as my husband shares with us the details of the toy he never got as a child despite the fact that he wanted it so badly. (not sure what prompted the story)
55. Watching the You Tube video of the vintage ad: "Six fingers, six fingers man alive, how did I ever survive with five?"
56. Sephora's
57. The trip that my daughter, son, his girlfriend, and myself took to the Lakeside Mall in Metairie after we returned from Baton Rouge because one GINORMOUS mall was not enough for one day.
58. We went to Jared.
59. The large Pandora display that took up approximately 1/4 of the entire store.
60. The fun my daughter and I had throughout the day looking through the catalog, talking about, and searching for beads as we planned and designed our bracelets.
61. Her bracelet and charms (dog and purse) she purchased at Jared.
62. Dragos and chargrill oysters.
63. Watching my son eat lobster.
64. The fact that we never saw a drop of rain the entire day despite the weather forecast of severe thunderstorms with possible hail and tornadoes.
65. Cafe Dummond. Coffee and Beignets.
66.The bonding that took place over the course of this long weekend.
67. A necessary ice-breaker between my daughter and my son's girlfriend.
68. My husband's love and devotion shown to me all the time and especially on this day.
69. The contentment I felt, leaving no room for sadness over turning 50, it was just a number.
70. A perfectly wonderful day, one that I never want to forget.
71. SUNDAY, APRIL 25, 2010 - The trip to the French Market that my husband, daughter, and I took after my son and his girlfriend left for home to take care of school related deadlines.
72. The stop back by Jared before going to the French Market so my daughter could make an exchange.
73. Landry's Seafood.
74. Pralines.
75. Serrano's Salsa Company.
76. Movie shopping at K-Mart.
77. Watching "Old Dogs" with my daughter.
78. My husband asleep in the recliner because he could not stay awake to watch it with us.
79. MONDAY, APRIL 26, 2010 - Knowing my daughter and I had the whole day to ourselves to shop or do whatever we wanted to.
80. T.J. Maxx and watching my daughter get excited over her find: a clutch purse and her bargain: an overnight bag originally priced at $180.00. T.J. Maxx's price was $35.00. They were both Jessica Simpson.
81. Marshall's and my find: a computer tote.
82. PetSmart and the treats for Chole, Bentley, Bella, and Greyson.
83. Her love for animals and knowing it is an inherited trait.
84. Subway, again.
85. The crazy 8's I made circling the city trying to get to Tuesday Mornings and Wal-Mart to finally abandon the GPS and go the only way I knew how to even though it was the long way around.
86. The movie being filmed two blocks from our house on Clearview Parkway, "Jeff, Who Lives at Home".
87. The sandwiches I made (even though mine was better than theirs) (at least that is what they "lovingly" joked about when I kept making a big deal over how good mine was)
88. The picnic and walk in Lafreniere Park.
89. PERFECT weather.
90. Tutti Frutti frozen yogurt.
91. More Scattergories and hearing my daughter laugh at my answer to a personality trait starting with the letter K: KNOTS ON LOGS.
92. More movie watching.
93. More laughing at my husband who could not stay awake. Waking up in spurts long enough to say, "I'm not asleep" or to ask, "Has it gotten to the funny part yet?"
94. TUESDAY, APRIL 27, 2010 - The silly little notes my daughter wrote and taped throughout the house for her dad to find when he got home from work after we were gone.
95. Whole Foods, again and their bath soap.
96. Bayou Country Village, Cajun Meatball PoBoys, and more Pralines.
97. A ride home and more time with her.
98. To realize how sentimental we both are and that we laugh about the same things, like the same things, and say the same things.
99. Not wanting it to end.
100. But knowing it ended with more hope and more promises than it ever began with. The PERFECT 50th Birthday Gift!!

A CAR STORY, OR TWO, AND SO MUCH MORE...

2010-04-20T15:50:00.009-05:00

I mentioned in a previous post that my daughter had been borrowing my car. Short story, long: She wrecked hers by rear-ending another vehicle after they made an abrupt stop. She was able to drive away, thankfully. She spent the evening at the hospital where she was checked out and diagnosed with a concussion. It could have been worse, but again thankfully it was not.  The next day she informed her insurance company and waited for them to access the damages.  After a week went by and still no visit from the insurance adjuster, she called them again. She was told they were waiting on a police report.  We could not understand why that mattered, but that was their story and they were sticking to it!   Into the second week and still with no sign of an insurance adjuster, she took her car to a body shop to let them go ahead and order the necessary parts. The man who owns the body shop told her that it looked ok for her to drive, but to not make any long trips in it. This was on a Friday afternoon.  That same night, while she and a friend were on their way to a movie, smoke started boiling out from underneath the hood.  She was driving in bumper to bumper traffic, but was able to pull over into a parking lot. By this time her car was pretty much blazing!  She and her friend got out and were ok. Thankfully she was close to a fire station and their response was quick.  This time the insurance company did not delay accessing the car's damage.  Neither did she have to wait long for their report to declare it totaled.

After the shock wore off, my daughter became very concerned about what she was going to do with no vehicle, no money for a down payment to purchase another one, and the probability of still owing a large sum on the "charred" one after the insurance company settled.    Finding out she had Gap coverage was a surprise to her, a welcomed surprise. (Gap insurance covers the difference between what the car is worth and what you owe on the car.)

We played "musical cars" for a little while. My husband got a company car to drive, I drove his truck, and she drove my car. She needed a couple of months to save for a down payment and some time to try to find another one.

After a couple of weeks and after she looked and looked at cars and agonized and agonized over the price tags, she made what I considered to be a very "big girl" decision.

She realized how great it felt to not have a car note and how great it would be to not have one when she returns to school in August.  Prior to her accident, she had been looking at three more years of payments, and now this incident had changed all of this.

In the words of the late Paul Harvey: "And now for the rest of the story".

My husband and I had already planned on purchasing a new or at least newer vehicle towards the end of this year. So, we talked about the possibility of selling the old one to our daughter and going ahead with our plans to buy another one.  But, not only were we not financially ready to do this, we also had some concerns about selling her our vehicle because of its age. We barely mentioned this to her, but never pushed the idea on her.  As a matter of fact, we were in the process of helping her look for one for herself. We had also made the joint decision to not inflict her with our advice or ideas.

This was why I was taken back the night she called to inform me that she wanted to buy our car. She told me it felt "right" and she had peace about it. She knew she could save up and pay us for it in one lump sum and after having driven it for a few weeks, she realized it had all the features she was looking for in a vehicle. The car she owned had been void of any "extras". I told her over the phone that I would have to talk to her dad about it first because we would have to have some work done on it for her if this was what she wanted to do.

- Unbeknown to me at the time, my husband had called a friend of his who is a prayer warrior and asked him to pray about our car situations, for my daughters, as well as, ours. I am not sure how many days this took place before the following telephone conversation.
- My husband's brother mentioned to him that his daughter and son-in-law were on their way out of town to purchase a new vehicle. At the end of the conversation, my husband hung up and immediately called the son-in-law.
- He asked him what they were going to do with their old vehicle.  The answer was to trade it in. He asked if we could possibly look at it. So, they got an estimate for a trade it while they were there, but picked up their new one and drove the old one back home for us to look at.
-We picked it up on Sunday, called him Monday morning to find out how much he wanted for it. He asked us for the pay-off.
- By Monday night we owned a 2005 Chevrolet Tahoe and owed less than $6,000.00 on it. I am not usually so open about how much we pay for things, but this was nothing short of an answer to prayer and I just had to share it.
-The son-in-law was happy and willing to do this for us.  And we were so thrilled to watch God work all of this out!
-I will thankfully drive this car for the next couple of years while we are up to our eyeballs in college costs for our son.

AND I am not finished yet. Or at least, God was not finished yet.

I got a phone call from my husband on Wednesday from his work. He informed me of an incentive bonus he had just been given at work. He asked me if I had any ideas on how to spend it. (Was that a dumb question or what?) It only took me a fraction of a second to tell him what spilled out of my heart. He agreed wholeheartedly. I could not get her phone number punched in fast enough. I was able to inform my daughter that she now owned her car, our old car - free and clear! She owed us nothing.

My heart overflows.

WHEN I SAW A FLASH OF LIGHT…

2010-04-14T11:20:00.001-05:00

And I heard the sound
Of a voice like thunder shake the ground
It was the first time I remember
Ever feeling my heartbeat… (“You Found Me” by Big Daddy Weave)

I am not now nor have I ever been a “night owl”. I wind down fairly early and wake early. I can usually “hit the floor running”. (Not literally, but you know what I mean) However, the older I get it’s more like I hit the floor shuffling. I use to be a sound sleeper, but this HAS changed. It is on a rare occasion that I am able to sleep through an entire night.

I was 28 when my daughter was born and it was very difficult for me to get use to interrupted sleep. I don’t think it would be a problem for me now, but back then (WAY back then) it was! Thankfully, though, her sleep pattern, going to bed early and waking early, mimicked mine. And, she also mastered sleeping through the night after a few short months.

My son, on the other hand, is completely opposite. He is a night owl and has always been. And he never slept through an entire night for the first year of his life.

When your children wake you up in the middle of the night…

As babies, it is usually because they are hungry. As toddlers and young children, they may have had a nightmare and are scared, or they are sick.

As teenagers, another story!

My children have called me on the phone in the middle of the night to let me know where they are or walked into my room to wake me up to let me know they were home.

And I appreciate that. I really do. Although those “middle of the night” phone calls have nearly given me a heart attack.

But, last night, or should I say this morning, around 2:00 a.m. to be exact, my son woke me up. And are you ready for this?????

Shining a flash light in my room…. “Hey, mama, wake up. The electricity is off.”

All I could say at the time was, “OK”. I wish I could have mustered up more of a conversation. I would have probably told him something like this, “Go to bed, and go to sleep! And then you will be like me, at least like me before you came in here and woke me up, not knowing OR caring that the electricity was off! At least not until you are awakend in the morning by your digital clock flashing the wrong time in your eyes."

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY BOY!

2010-04-11T20:17:00.002-05:00

Well, Happy Birthday, at least! You haven't been a baby in a long time and you are no longer a boy. You have become quite a handsome young man. In four hours you will turn "20"!! I cannot believe it. It seems like just yesterday you were telling me things like: you didn't like "bean balls" (known as English peas to the rest of us) and that not a kid in your class knew how to spell the word circle. When you were in the first grade, I asked you if you had a girlfriend at your school. You told me no and when I questioned whether or not you had ever received a note from a girl in your class wanting to know if you liked her - circle yes or no, your response to me was: "Mama, not a kid in my class knows how to spell the word circle".

Well, guess what, Jarred? Today, at the age of 20 you still do not like bean balls!

But from all appearances, you must have mastered spelling the word circle. Happy Birthday. I love you, mom.

HOMEWARD BOUND

2010-04-10T06:33:00.002-05:00

For quite some time now, when I view my blog the word prodigal that I used in my profile to describe my daughter leaps off the page at me. I almost feel guilty for using it. Here are some synonyms I found for this word: wasteful, squander, lavish (mainly referring to money). I guess I need to remind myself as to why I used the word in the first place. The parable of the prodigal son mentioned in the Bible, in Luke, describes a young man who in every way except the inheritance part resembles what her life has been like for the past couple of years. He took something before it was time for him to have it. So did she. He left all the comforts of home. She did too. He left behind those who loved him more than anybody in the world. She did too. His parents grieved. So did hers. His brother showed lack of compassion and understanding through immaturity. As did hers. He found himself in a terrible situation not knowing what to do or how to get out of the mess he was in. She is still there. He experienced forgiveness and the unconditional love of a parent. So has she.

I was thinking about how he must have felt as he walked home. I don't know how long it took him, but he must have agonized all the way there. He was regretful, embarrassed, full of shame and sorrow, unsure of how his father would respond to his returning, not knowing what he would do next if he turned him away. He must have been tired, dirty, smelly, hungry - just beaten down.

But we all know what happened as he made those final steps home. His father could not get to him fast enough. He loved all over this dirty, smelly young man! He threw a party to celebrate his arrival.

My daughter has not arrived on our doorstep yet. She is still walking home. I am still like the father of the prodigal son who watched and waited everyday for his son to return. This mother is still watching and waiting for her daughter. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of her and then she disappears.

I feel certain that as soon as the prodigal son came to the realization that he had made a terrible mistake, he did not take off running home. His heart and his mind changed first. He knew what he needed to do, but the faith and courage to do it was probably not there at that exact moment. Thankfully they came and he was able to react physically to what his heart and mind had already reacted to.

My daughter has not reacted physically. I do not mean this in the sense that she will ever come back to an address. But she needs to walk away from her circumstance. Her heart and her mind have changed. But she has not made the leap of faith. She has not gotten the courage to leave. She wants to. And I believe she IS on her way home. I know she is. The party decorations are up!

THE BATHROOM AND THE BOGEYMAN

2010-04-08T08:59:00.005-05:00

I woke up around five this morning after having had a dream. In this dream, I was in a bathroom about to take a shower. Not just any bathroom, it was the one that was in my grandparent’s house. I could not go back to sleep because I kept recalling vivid memories of this bathroom. Strange! Yea, I know!! My grandparents have been deceased for several years and I have not been inside this house in a very loooong time!

My brother and I enjoyed many extended visits with my grandparents during school vacations. And they went something like this:

During the daylight hours we played outside. That’s right! Played outside! This is something foreign to our children. There was no central air, so it was usually cooler outdoors especially if the wind was blowing any at all. There were only a couple of “boring” channels on the TV, no video games, and no cell phones - only a four party phone line. There was no super Wal-Mart or indoor malls. Period. And not even a grocery store close enough to “run” to. A day in town took just that: a day. They lived on a dirt road in a rural area surrounded by livestock, ponds, fields, and forests. Outside, there were so many places to explore and ways to be creative.

But nighttime was a completely different story. There were no street lights or close neighbors here in the middle of nowhere. So, the safest place for us to be was inside between the confines of the front door and the back door. Safely away from the NOISES we KNEW we HEARD coming out of the pitch darkness and safe from the CREATURES we THOUGHT we SAW lurking in the pitch darkness.

Or was it the safest place? This brings me back to the bathroom. Not literally, just in thought.

The house originally did not have a bathroom. It was an after-thought, an add-on. Actually it was added on to the back porch. This porch was the same length as the house. Opening the back doorway located off the kitchen here is what you saw: A few feet in front of you was the back yard that you could see through a flimsy, ill fitting screen door with a hook-type latch. (Now that I think back, it is quite comical to remember that my grandmother always made sure it was locked.) There was linoleum on the floors. It was the old kind that came in rolls not in squares, and it was floral and worn if I remember correctly. To the right was a “real” door leading into the bathroom and to the left was a make-shift door made out of a curtain leading into the pantry/storage room.

A trip to the bathroom at night was NOT just a trip to the bathroom. It was our very own virtual video game of survival: Get in - Get out - Before being captured and drug off by the bogeyman.

LEVEL 1: To make it past this level you had to make it into the bathroom before being captured by the you know who from behind the curtain door or from behind the “locked” screen door.

Keep in mind there were no light switches to flip! Exposed light bulbs hung from sockets on the ceiling with long strings hanging from them. So you had to actually walk inside the dark room, feel for the string and pull it down before a light would come on.

Also, during the winter, you HAD to close the door leading back into the kitchen because if the temperature was 25 degrees outside, it was also 25 degrees on the back porch slash bathroom slash storage room. So once the door was closed and you were on the porch, you were on your own!

LEVEL 2: Surviving the bathroom. Once inside the bathroom, you were still not safe! It was crude. Nothing fancy. Only the basics. A bathtub, sink, mirror, toilet, and a space heater. No vents! Enough said! And then there were the creepy crawly things that you had to watch out for if they dared brave this non-ventilated room through a hole in the floor.

LEVEL 3: The third and final level. Leaving the bathroom and once again, getting past the screen door (the “locked” screen door) and the “curtain” door ( I always checked to see if it was moving.) and back into the safety of the kitchen.

Thankfully I survived! And lived to tell about it! Aren’t you glad?

Actually, the bathroom trips are not the only memories I have of my childhood days at my grandparents house. And this makes me glad!!

STANDING ROOM ONLY

2010-04-03T12:36:00.003-05:00

I usually have my thoughts together before I begin writing a post and this morning I do not, so I do not know where this will go. Neither do I have a title, but I am sure one will come to me.

Last weekend my husband, some friends, and myself were in a restaurant. We had to wait 20 to 30 minutes before being seated. While sitting in the lobby, I happened to notice the capacity sign. If I remember correctly it was 375.

We were out of town, but I do know that on any given weekend the many, many restaurants where we live are full. Sometimes the wait is over an hour before one can be seated and served.

If there are 50 restaurants (not sure about this number, just throwing it out there, but there are at least that many)and each restaurant holds 375, and there is a line to get in, then that would mean that on Friday and Saturday nights there could be AT LEAST 20 thousand people eating out. In one town!!

My son wanted to go to a concert this weekend and it was sold out. In an auditorium that probably held over a thousand????

Also, this past week I typed the script for the Easter cantata at the church where I work and part of it mentioned the crowd at the cross.

I did a little research to see if I could get a number on how many were actually there. I did not come up with that number, but I do know the Bible only mentions a few specific names, less than a dozen.

All of this made me think about the crowds that we are use to seeing: the ones at the restaurants, malls, concerts, amusement parks, beaches...

I wonder if tomorrow the churches will be "standing room only".

I wonder if I had been living near Golgotha, would I have been present? To the most important event in the world, held for my benefit, one that would change me forever, AND one that was free!!

HAPPY EASTER.

WHAT DID THE BLONDE SAY....

2010-03-26T21:13:00.006-05:00

My daughter had a work related meeting this morning in one of the local hotel's conference rooms. When she left the meeting around 3:30, her car would not start. It is acutally my car. She is borrowing it. Long story! Possible future post!

She got a ride back to work with another employee. And on the way she called to tell me about the ordeal. It was around 4:30, so I told her that her dad was an hour away from home and that he would go check on it for her as soon as he got here.

When she got back to work, she began texting me. Here is our conversation:

HER: It needs a battery. Trust me. We stood there for an hour and tried to jump it off.

Pay close attention to the TRUST ME part. She claims to have not shut the door completely and the interior light stayed on all day.

ME: I will tell your dad. He should be here soon.

ME: (On the way to the broken down car) We are on our way to the car. What time do you get off? How can we work this out?

HER: I get off at 7:00 or 7:30. Can you bring it to me? I can take you and dad home or wherever you need me to.

ME: OK. Dad and I have a new blonde joke. I will explain later.

Blonde moment #1: She wanted to take us home! How did she think we got to her car!

ME: Is the car at the Holiday Inn or Holiday Express?

HER: Yes

Blonde moment #2!

ME: Did the engine turn over?

HER: It looked right side up to me.

Blonde moment #3 and the one I doubt we will ever let her forget.

I laughed until I cried.

And, by the way, the car was out of gas.

Never trust a blonde who tells you she knows what a car engine would look like upside down!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHA

I'M SO DIZZY

2010-03-22T12:17:00.002-05:00

MY HEAD IS SPINNING...

Life is full of questions. And I have one that for the life of me I cannot find an answer to. When is it time to say goodbye to a friendship? A 12 year old friendship - not a life-time - but a long one. I have been back and forth with this for the last several years. I base my feelings on things like the following telephone conversation, but so much more! So many things I cannot go into!

I made the call this morning. I have not talked to her in over a week because she and her family were in Gulf Shores during Spring break. Our conversation lasted approximately ten minutes. This is not it in its entirety, but hopefully you can understand why I feel the way I do.

Her: Hello (with a somewhat hurried tone to her voice)

Me: Well, did you decide to come back to the real world?

Her: Yea. I got home late Friday night.

Me: Did you have a good time.

Her: Yes. You will not believe what happened?

And for the next ten minutes she talked and I listened without a break to get a word in. The talk was of their purchase of a new condominium, a three bedroom one. They currently own a two bedroom. The manner in which it all happened. The prime location. The great deal they got. The two other couples that went in with them to purchase it. The decorating plans. The ALREADY conflict between the three lady owners and their taste in decorating. Oh, the delimma this was causing.  And on and on and on!!!

She finally told me she had to hang up. She was already late. She needed to be on her way out with the other two ladies to meet up with an interior designer to look at new furniture and accessories.

Me: Ok.

Her: I will call you later.

I can hardly wait!!

I desperately hope you will not think I am jealous.  I AM happy for her and do not have a jealous bone in my body towards her. Like I said, I have known her for approximately 12 years. Her husband has a successfull career and they have always lived a somewhat lavish lifestyle - a lifestyle she takes for granted. But, a simple how are you and what has been going on with you would have been welcomed. Is it selfish of me to require in a friend some interest, some concern?

The sermon at church yesterday was about God's love and how we tend to want to measure it by how good or bad things are going in our life, but our present circumstance does not equal how much He loves us. He looks at the eternal and we cannot see past this present state we are in. He elaborated on how the present state is ugly so many times, but we have to cling to God remembering He loves us still. I said all of that, to say this: I have accepted my circumstance. I truly have. Yes, I would love for my life to be revolved around the purchase of a new condo and not the anquish of a troubled daughter. But this is not the case.

During ~~our~~ her conversation, I kept thinking about how wonderful it would be if she could get the focus off of herself for one second, but more than anything I could not stop thinking about the people in my life and the others that I know about who are struggling with jobs, finances, family, health, death of loved ones. In comparrison to all of that, why does the color of a couch for your vacation home matter?

The conversation left me sorrowful but at the same time with deep feelings of gratitude for my life, troubles and all!!

While I still do not have any answers about this friendship, am I concerned that maybe she will read this post and I will not have to contemplate ending it because she will do it for me? No. She knows about my blog. She has never read it!! Do I know this for certain? Yes. She told me not too long ago. And anyway for the next several weeks, maybe even months she is going to be busy!!

YEA, ME TOO!!

2010-03-21T22:47:00.003-05:00

It's cold again here in South Mississippi! My only two flowers are not happy! They are lying down in protest.

It's ok. I feel the same way, but for me it has very little to do with the weather.

FYI:
- This conversation via text I am about to share is pretty intense.

-Also I feel the need to say that I tried several times to call her to have a real conversation. She would not answer.
-Refer to my previous post for an insight as to what this is all about.

Me: I have not heard from you = It must have not ended = A saddened heart = A mother who will never give up or stop praying.

Her: You do not know what is going on in my head and what I am stuck in. You KNOW what I want. I KNOW what I want = I don't know how to get it right now.

Me: I sense anger towards me. Not sure I deserve it. I am heartbroken over your situation. Wish I had all the answers to help you. It is easy for me to talk about what you should do. Did not mean to offend. Dad and I went into action Friday when you asked us to. Would like to have had communication. Still praying for you. I love you.

Her: You do not understand the situation I am in. You do not understand how badly I want out and to be happy because I am miserable. I feel trapped. Stuck. Scared. Sick. Sad. Depressed. Angry. So many different things and I am doing all I can. I just don't know what else to do. But I feel like if it is not the way you think it should be done or in your time you get upset and that adds to my frustration.

Me: This has nothing to do with me. I do not ask questions. I do not try to make you feel bad or guilty. I do not try to advise or help unless you ask and Friday night you asked. You cannot blame me for being exciting when you told me "it's for real this time". I just know that one day it WILL be for real. I do not know how or when, but Friday would have been fine with me. You were the one who made me think it just might be. I completely understand the meaning of feeling trapped. This is the way I feel for not being able to help you. I love you.

Her: It is for real...in my heart. Guess it just will not show until I take action. I cannot do everything right this second. I love you too.

Me: I have known for quite some time that is was "for real" in your head. There is not a single day that passes that I am not thankful for that. I am not exaggerating. It WILL work out. It will happen because you want it to, not because I want it to.

Her: Well it is still not good enough for you... nothing will ever be.

Her (again): I am sorry. I love you.

Me: I am sorry I have made you feel that way. I love you too.

Me (again): Let me go back and say that you will never know how sorry I am for every single time I have ever made you feel that way.

Her: It is ok.

Me: No, it is NOT ok.

Her: Just do not be sad for me!!! Be sad for me if I did not want out of this and understand that it is wrong!!

Me: Exactly what I was trying to say earlier: (I have known for quite some time that is was "for real" in your head. There is not a single day that passes that I am not thankful for that. I am not exaggerating. It WILL work out. It will happen because you want it to, not because I want it to.)

Once again I ask for prayers from everyone who reads this. The words my daughter uses to describe her situation: miserable, trapped, stuck, scared, sick, sad, depressed, and angry frighten me terribly. I truly believe she wants out. She does not know how to, hence all of these feelings. I fear one day it will be too late!!

When she was little, she would jump off the bed or couch trusting her dad to catch her. I want so badly for her to understand that this is all she has to do again. Jump and trust her Dad (her heavenly Father) to catch her. She has to be the one to decide when!! I thought she had made that leap on Friday evening.

Several times over the past year she has led me to believe she was about to take the plunge and every single time, I have "jumped" into action, praying and calling on others to pray. One day she will. Until she does, I will continue believing, hoping, loving, crying, and praying for this precious girl who deserves that and so much more!!

IN THE BEGINNING

2010-03-20T10:43:00.009-05:00

I received two phone calls yesterday. Well, actually one phone call and one text message. The call first:

THE END: Late afternoon my mother called to let me know that my step-uncle had passed away. My step-father has one sibling, a sister who lives in Gulfport, MS. James, her life-long mate has been battling Lou Gehrig's Disease for quite some time. He woke from a nap around noon and asked her if he was in heaven yet. She told him no. He closed his eyes and took two breaths and this time went to heaven. THE BEGINNING.

During the early evening, I received a text message from my daughter:

ANOTHER END: "It's over. Hit your knees and don't stop praying, this is for real."Guess where I went? Did you guess to the floor on my knees? If only one person reads this post, I ask you to please, please pray for a miracle. I have watched God work in her life for quite some time. I think she is ready to make this tremendous leap. Emotionally and spiritually she is ready, but there are some physical obstacles that she is struggling with. In my last post I referred to a message she put on her face book page about "little" miracles and how she was beginning to recognize them. I want her to see a BIG one, a HUGE one! She owns three dogs and a bird. She needs to leave where she is at and she needs a place of her own. Leaving is crucial!! She knows she can come home, but it would be a temporary arrangement. I am willing and she would do this as a last resort. She desires to go back to school, so she not only needs a place where she can have her pets, she also needs something affordable. This all sounds almost impossible, but I know God can do this for her. I want more than anything for Him to surprise her with a solution, one that I am totally detached from, one that she would know without a doubt could not have come from anywhere else but from Him. I KNOW He can. What a confirmation for her, what an encouragement this would be in the midst of her confusion and discouragement. ANOTHER BEGINNING!

PRETEND LIKE…

2010-03-18T14:03:00.007-05:00

I am lying on a couch. I am the patient and you are the therapist.

ME: Where do I start?

YOU: How about at the beginning.

ME: Ok. Well approximately 38 years ago…

YOU: Are you kidding?

ME: No. I wouldn’t do that.

My family moved to the area where we presently live. My dad had a business acquaintance here and he invited us to go to church with his family. We did and it soon became our church home as well. I was in my early teens. We had a great youth minister and I had many friends there, one in particular: Alice.

Alice was my best friend, at least I thought she was. At some point into our friendship, she played a cruel joke on me. I won’t go into the details but it involved a guy I had a crush on. It was all silly and that was what I blew it off as, certainly not anything I wanted to destroy our relationship over.

Later, we moved to another part of town. I was in the middle of the 8th grade and had to transfer to another school: her school. Obviously I was naive and had not “gotten it” through the joke she played on me because I was about to be in for a huge shock.

I still remember my excitement over seeing her, a familiar face, at this new school. I was lost, scared, and did not know a soul there. At first she pretended not to know me and then she began to make fun of me to her friends.

Are you writing this down? Because this could very well explain some of my current insecurities. Getting it out like this has to be good for the soul. Right?

She moved away shortly afterwards. And I completely lost contact with her.

I have thought about her from time to time over the years, but never had the desire to know where she was or to rekindle a friendship, especially after I figured out there was never truly a friendship to begin with.

Yesterday, after 35 years, she reappeared in my life via face book. Old feelings have resurfaced along with some new ones.

Here is what I remember (or at least think I remember) about Alice:

-- She was beautiful, and had a beautiful smile.
-- She was a year or maybe two older than me.
-- She could sing.
-- Her parents had her late in life. They were old when she was a teenager.
-- She was poor. (I don't know why I thought this, as if we were not)
-- We had some fun times together.
-- I thought she was my friend.
-- She hurt me.

Here is what I know about her now:

-- She is still beautiful. Same smile!
-- She has been married for 33 years.
-- Her parents died when she was in her early twenties.
-- She has two beautiful daughters.
-- She has two beautiful grandchildren. They call her Gigi. Well,at least one of them calls her Gigi.The little boy is only a few months old.
-- She lives in a very wealthy area in a town North of here in what appears to be a mansion overlooking a lake.
-- She has a successful career. By the looks of things, so does her husband.
-- She speaks well of her two sons-in-law.
-- She travels.
-- One daughter teaches school. I do not know what the other one does.
-- Based on what I have read: She is extremely intelligent. And has a close relationship with God.

We talked (typed) back and forth for a long time yesterday. The last words she typed to me were these: “I always thought you had a perfect family.”

Maybe I have unlocked a mystery: She was jealous of me! This would explain why she treated me the way she did. Just maybe this is true, but I really do not know for sure. However, I do know this for certain: Never in my life have I ever encountered someone who from all appearances has a seemingly flawless life, until yesterday. How ironic that I dealt with feelings of jealousy towards her if it is true that so many years ago she was jealous of me.

YOU: (Insert words of wisdom)

ME: Yea, I know, but you cannot tell me anything I have not already told myself over and over.

--“Things may not be exactly as they seem”

--“In all things give thanks”

--“I do now know the whole story. I know nothing about the in between years: 35 years worth”

--“In all things give thanks”

--“There will always be those who have more than I do and those who have less than I do”

--“In all things give thanks”

--“Be content with what God has given me"

--“In all things give thanks”

I’m not joking about the “in all things give thanks”. This kept “popping” in my head throughout the entire day.

So…this morning…for my Bible study, I went to Psalms 92:1. “It is a good thing to give thanks unto the Lord, and to sing praises unto thy name, O Most High.”

I spent time (too much time) yesterday comparing my life to Alice’s, realizing she would probably not be impressed in the least with my accomplishments, my house, my family, my job, my level of intelligence, or my relationship with Christ. This side-by-side comparison left me feeling pretty “ragged” all day long.

Not a pretty picture! And not something I am proud of!

YOU: (Insert more words of wisdom)

I know. I know. I know. Of all the things I listed above, the only one that should truly matter is my relationship with Christ. I get that. I really do. But remember why I started this blog to begin with? Here is where I struggle:

Most of our family and friends who are our age have sons-in-law and daughters-in-law and grandchildren. They are excited and are looking forward to spending their “golden years” enjoying these children. It’s not so much that I want grandchildren right now. But what I do want is to NOT have to spend my “golden years” hoping that I am here long enough to see my children living a life free from the bad decisions they have made, decisions that could possibly haunt them for the rest of their lives unless they can let go and give them completely over to God!!

Why? Why me? I know these are dangerous questions, and a dangerous place for me to allow myself to go to, but sometimes I can’t help myself and all I want to do is curl up in a ball!!!

Yesterday I was curled up. Today I began to uncurl my toes. During my devotion time this morning, I prayed for my family: my husband, my daughter, and my son. I prayed for specific things.

After my devotion time, I opened my face book page. I use it to ~~spy~~ ~~stalk~~ ~~check up on~~ get an insight into how my children's day is going.   Here is what I found on my daughter’s wall:

“Little miracles are everywhere. Learning to open my eyes to them”

Yes, they surely are. Little miracles ARE everywhere.

But, for you, precious daughter: If I could have chosen for you, protected you, I would have. I wanted you to sail through this life without all the struggles. You have had to fight your way out of all the garbage you allowed to enter into your life. You are still fighting and it hurts my heart to watch you. The important thing, the only thing that matters now is that you ARE fighting your way out. You have changed. And because of you, my life has changed. YOU, sweet girl, ARE a MIRACLE.

Are you still writing? Because this is important:

I want to conclude this "session" by purposing in my heart to choose this day and everyday to be thankful for my family, my job, my house, my intelligence (even the lack thereof), my bank account (again, even the lack thereof), my past, my struggles, their struggles, forgiveness, a relationship with Christ.... All of these things and so much more define me, who I am, and what I have: A life to be loved and cherished. A life not to be compared with Alice's or anyone else's.

Thank you, Father, for everything I just mentioned above and so much more. After my day of "wallowing" yesterday, you still gave me such a treasured gift: The insight into my daughter's heart. Thank you for the miracle you are performing in her life. Thank you for the miracles in mine and help me to always recognize them, knowing fully well I cannot do this if I am busy doing "side-by-sides" or curled up in a ball.

WHY DO YOU BUILD ME UP?

2010-02-26T16:01:00.000-06:00

(Build me up)
Buttercup, baby, just to let me down
(Let me down)
And mess me around
And then worst of all
(Worst of all)
you never call, baby
When you say you will
(Say you will)
But I love you still
I need you
(I need you)
More than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up
(Build me up)
Buttercup, don't break my heart

Ha!Ha!
I took my dog outside this afternoon. It is an absolutely beautiful day!!!! Amongst all the "BROWN", I spotted these two flowers and this song immediately stuck in my head. They are usually some of the first flowers to bloom and ALWAYS a welcome sight to the sore eyes that are sick and tired of the cold, dreary weather with absolutely NOTHING green in sight. I am afraid; however, they only come to tease because we all know winter is not over yet. It always freezes or snows in Mississippi for Easter!!

THE FOUR LETTER “S” WORD

2010-02-24T18:24:00.000-06:00

When I woke this morning and looked outside it was S-N-O-W-ing…again…this year… here in South Mississippi! Unlike the last time, it did not stick to the ground and did not last very long, but nevertheless it did S-N-O-W. Here is a picture of a S-N-O-W-man someone built in our neighborhood when it S-N-O-W-ed a couple of weeks ago:

Isn’t it cute?

BUT……S-N-O-W is NOT the four letter “S” word I am referring to in my title! The words "pure" and "white" come to my mind when I think of snow, the absolute opposite of this particular “S” word!

Let me explain:

Last night my daughter came over. She has reapplied for school and needed my help with some personal and financial information to complete her paperwork. Before she came over, I gathered folders full of previous tax records, new tax forms, instruction booklets, W2s, receipts, a calculator, my laptop, pens, paper, pencils, Valium (only kidding), etc. and made neat little stacks all over my dining room table, partly to make finding the information she needed easier, but mainly because I needed to start working on the “T” word: TAXES.

I was home alone. Her dad was out of town working and her brother had just left to go on a school trip. I ate some soup before she came over and then started working on the infamous 1040. When she got to the house, I abandoned my pile of paperwork and fixed her a bowl of soup. She ate it in the kitchen and then we both settled in at the dining room table that was covered with my stacks of paperwork and supplies.

As she worked on retrieving the information she needed on the computer, I continued with what I had started earlier. She was busy for the first few minutes trying to locate the form she needed online. Once she found it, I would stop what I was doing each time she had a question long enough to get her the information she needed. This system was working smoothly for us. Not long after she completed her form, she commented on an oil painting I had just recently purchased. It is a painting of two parrots. She liked it. She then told me a story about her conur bird, Kiwi. I listened as I continued to work on my taxes, looking up at her often to comment. She explained how much Kiwi likes to sit on the top of her cell phone and pick at the plastic cover she has on it. The other day while she was holding the phone and he was playing with it, he grabbed her hand with his beak: the skin between the thumb and index finger. Or in her words: “He bit the SH… out of my hand.” My head flew up from my paperwork and I looked over at her (apparently with shock filled eyes).

I am not so naive as to think she does not use this kind of language, but I have never heard her curse and this word, this “S” word, came out of her mouth so easily and so naturally. It shocked us both as she suddenly realized where she was and who she was saying it to and I realized just how comfortable she was using the word. And by the way, I H-A-T-E the word!!!!

She immediately covered her mouth with her hand and apologized. She said, “I meant to say…..” Trust me when I say the word she meant to use was not much better, but for some reason it was not as hard on the ears! Her face turned red and for a few seconds things were extremely awkward. I did not know what to say. She will be 23 this year and has been out on her own for the past few years living a life that sent me into a tailspin which, by the way, caused me to start this blog, and I was not about to scold her for saying a cuss word. So, I tried to change the subject. But, that proved to be even more awkward. It was not long afterwards that she gathered her paperwork and said she needed to go. She usually hugs me bye or lets me hug her, but not this time. She almost could not get out of the door fast enough. I told her goodbye and that I loved her and went back to the table to continue my work.

As I sat there and worked, I started feeling really bad for not confronting the situation head on. I suspected it had something to do with her leaving abruptly, and I really did not want her to feel bad for what she had said in front of me. At the time, I knew it caught me off guard, but had no idea that I had “looked” so shocked. Again, I am still thinking the best thing to do is to not make a big deal out of it.

And then she sent me this text: “I am so humiliated, embarrassed, and bothered that I said that word in front of you. The look on your face was crushing. I want so badly for you to be proud of me. I am surrounded by that kind of language and am not proud to say that I am desensitized to it; something I need to be convicted about. I won’t lie. But I am sincerely sorry and hope you do not think worse of me than you already do.”

Wow.

I texted her back: “I love you. I cannot judge or condemn you because I make mistakes too. I have even let things slip out of my mouth now and then that I should not let slip out. I AM proud of you. I wish you would have talked about this before you left so I could have put your mind at ease. No, I take that back, I should have said something first because I knew it bothered you!”

She apparently left my house and called her grandmother crying uncontrollably. My mom called me this morning to let me know how distraught she was. By this time, we were both able to laugh about the situation as I shared with her what had happened. The laughter stemmed from how well we know this daughter and granddaughter and how she has reacted (or should I say over-reacted) to so many different situations in her life.

I have had some time since then to ponder. And here is what I have pondered:

She may have over-reacted, but she did it out of shame and embarrassment. She did it out of sorrow. She did it out of guilt. She did it because she hurt. She did it because she knew she had disappointed her mother.

Oh, you little four letter “S” word – you caused all of this in my daughter’s heart last night. You caused such awkwardness, and I hated to hear you come out of her precious mouth, but you caused me to have a heart bursting with gratitude, grateful for where she is in her life right now. You caused me to realize the prayers that have been answered. And for this, I have to say thank you. A few (very few) years ago, she did not care. She was not ashamed, not embarrassed, not sorrowful, guilty, or hurt and humiliated over any aspect of her life. It was, after all, her life. The very last thing she cared about was disappointing me or anyone else.

You caused great conviction in her heart, as well as, in mine. If -- only if -- my reaction could be the same as hers every single time I do something wrong (maybe because I too have become desensitized to whatever it is that I am doing, or not doing). If only I could be so full of shame, so embarrassed, so sorrowful, so guilty, humiliated, hurt because I have disappointed my Heavenly Father. Wouldn’t I be the better person for it?

S-U-R-E-ly I would!

IT IS WELL

2010-02-22T11:34:00.003-06:00

WITH MY SOUL

(WE SANG THIS SONG IN CHURCH YESTERDAY AND IT IS STUCK IN MY HEAD.I SANG IT LOUDLY AND FROM THE DEPTHS OF MY SOUL. I KNOW THE LORD HEARD ME, JUST GLAD NO ONE ELSE COULD!)

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain:
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life,
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

Horatio Spafford

A Conversation WORTHY Of Being Repeated

2010-01-19T12:47:00.008-06:00

On Saturday, literally just moments before my daughter's nasty stomach virus reared its ugly head; she was excited to tell me something. Keep in mind that we were in the car; I was driving in the New Orleans/Metairie area in the rain, so I could not exactly give her my undivided attention. But, as soon as her mouth closed from sharing her news, mine flew open, and for some strange reason WORTHY was the word that flew out of it. I do not believe I have used this word in a conversation in my entire life, ever!

WORTHY!

All I can say is that her news involved a renewed relationship with someone in her past. My heart sank as hers soared with excitement, confident that I would be thrilled beyond words. I was anything but thrilled, unsettled would better describe how I felt. I cautiously reminded her that she had long since shared with me the corruptness of this relationship. (A few years ago, there were so many others things in her life that had surfaced and left me spent, that this was just one more thing to throw on the heap.) I truly believe by the look on her face that either she had completely forgotten about telling me or maybe she thought I would not remember.

My daughter has caused a tremendous amount of heartache and grief in my life over some of the decisions she has made in hers. Because I love her so very much and want only the best for her, I have spent many sleepless nights wondering why she doesn't want this too. I am not talking about decisions that were bad based on my opinion alone. I am talking about decisions that have corrupted her testimony, her relationship with family, and more importantly with God. I am talking about decisions that have had negative consequences on a physical level. Why can't she see this? She is such a smart and level headed young lady!

I know this precious baby girl of mine thinks she can do nothing right in the eyes of her mom. Too many times I have been the voice of her conscience, trying to talk her into something or out of something. I was determined this time; however, to not make her feel like she had once again made a mistake.

Worthy: This was the only word that came to my mind. Do I think it was coincidental? No.

I told her that she was precious and worthy of being treated with respect by others. I reminded her to always think of herself as worthy and not to settle for anything less. I encouraged her to respect herself enough to flee from corrupt relationships.

End of conversation. Short and (bitter) sweet!

Ephesians 4:1 says: I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called.

Paul was imprisoned as a result of his faithfulness and obedience to the Lord; however, he considered himself a prisoner of the Lord and here in Ephesians urges his readers to walk, or to conduct themselves in a fashion that is consistent with a Christian's dignified position as a member of the Body of Christ. In other words: In every aspect of our lives we need to demonstrate a Christ-like spirit.

My prayer is that she understood that her mom desires only the best for her, as does her Savior and this should be her desire too: to want the very best in every aspect of her life.

To walk WORTHY!

WHAT SHE BROUGHT WITH HER!

2010-01-17T14:25:00.003-06:00

HER DOG? No, my daughter arrived here in Metairie shortly before noon yesterday WITHOUT her golden retriever. She usually brings him with her and we have never told her she could not or that we did not want her to. As a matter of fact, he is kind of like one of the family and we love him and like to spend time with him too. This time, however, I was secretly hoping she would not bring him, only because the weather was terrible and because I knew we were going to be busy as we tried to cram a lot into two short days.

Did she bring A GIFT? Not exactly.

In less than thirty minutes after she stepped into the house, we both took off to start our shopping frenzy. Our first stop was Marshalls. After that we combed TJ Maxx. As we left this particular shopping center to drive to another one, she began to complain about being extremely tired. We were close enough to the house that I told her we could go back so she could take a nap and rest for a while. She told me that she was also feeling a little queasy and maybe if she got something to eat she would feel better. We went to Zea’s Restaurant where she ordered an appetizer and a drink and I ordered dessert and coffee. She ate almost all of her food and we had the rest boxed to take back to her dad. We made it home just in the nick of time! She became very, very ill.

That‘s right. All the way from Hattiesburg, MS she brought with her a STOMACH VIRUS that has been running rampant in our little neck of the woods.

The weather was rainy and gloomy but with parking garages, umbrellas, and indoor malls who cared? This was not going to stop us. But, stop we did! Right in our own tracks! No more shoes to try on, purses to drool over, or bargains to look for. The only thing left in our day was for me to watch the Saints game on tv with my husband and Pepto Bismol and vomiting for her!

I know we are not suppose to question why things like this happen, although it doesn’t stop me from trying to speculate. So here is my speculation:

My daughter and I are alike in so many ways: in personality and in appearance. But, in as many ways that we are alike, we are so very different. One being the way we deal with pain and sickness. Not that I am superwoman, but she does not do good when she is sick. Period. On a pain tolerance scale of 0 to 10, she MAY be at 1. This still does not give me justification for my lack of patience with her in the past during some of the times she got sick. I even told her one time that after she got married and got pregnant to call me after she had the baby and not before. OUCH! Huge, huge mistake on my part!!

In earlier entries, I confessed about mistakes I had made when it came to my daughter’s and my relationship. There are things I wish I could go back and do differently. (I feel pretty safe in saying that this is probably the way many parents feel.) And this weekend gave me the opportunity to sort of do that. I sat with her, waited on her, cleaned up after her, showing her how much I loved her all the while she groaned and complained. Did I mention that she groaned and complained? Yes, I am going to accept that this weekend was not meant to be about shopping and eating together as I had planned, but about an opportunity for me to get to do something over.

So, what did she bring with her? She will probably never know what she brought that helped to soothe this mother’s soul!

Beth Moore had the following verse posted on her blog. I read it last night and it could not have spoken any louder or clearer to me. Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." John 13:7

Everything happens for a reason!

WILD AND CRAZY

2010-01-16T10:46:00.005-06:00

Thursday was the first day of a long weekend for me in Metairie. After my husband dropped me off and left for work, I began my ritual of sorting through and unpacking all my “stuff”. I always wait until the morning we leave to throw this “stuff” together. I literally grab as many things as I possibly can in the way of clothes, food, toiletries, medication, books, computer, and everything else I think I may need while I am here. Being this unorganized and spontaneous is NOT my usual, but I have learned after almost three years that it’s easier for me to do it this way. Otherwise, I would spend way too much time during my days at home planning and packing. I have also learned what is essential for me to bring and what is not, allowing me to be able to pack in a hurry.

As I began to sort through everything on Thursday, I seized the opportunity to do some of the highly “unusual” (things I never have time to do, not to mention, never even think about doing when I am at home). Here is what my morning was like:

- Washed (with soap and water) my hairbrush
- Cleaned out my purse (I spilled coffee inside of it on Monday
morning on my way to work and had not had time to clean
it out)
- Refilled my pill box
- Cleaned out my makeup bag (wiped it out, as well as, cleaned
each makeup container)
- Made a list of things I need to do and buy while I am here, as
well as, some things I need to do next week

CAN YOU STAND TO HEAR MORE?

- Organized the pantry and the dresser drawers
- Polished a pair of shoes
- Washed thoroughly my contact lens case
- Ironed, and hung the clothes I will need for
the entire weekend
- Planned menus

CRAZY? Some might possibly think so! But, you have yet to hear the WILD!

Did I do all of this out of sheer boredom? Some, but not all of it! It was mainly because when Saturday comes, I want to be ready! Ready for the arrival of my daughter. Ready for some mother/daughter time while my husband watches the ballgame, ready to go to our favorite restaurant, to find the best King Cake in New Orleans, to spend a gift card, to buy a birthday and baby gift, to have some girl talk, to go to Ben and Jerry’s, and to do so much other fun stuff with her. I am WILD about doing these things, but more importantly I am WILD about her!

Every chance I can get to spend with her is an opportunity for me to have an impact in her life, even if it is in a small way, hopefully it is in a positive way. I am beginning to see God work on her, and this makes me CRAZY with excitement and WILD with anticipation as I watch Him work a miracle in and through her.

I will and have already begun to pray about our time together this weekend, along with so many other things that are weighing heavy on my heart right now. The people of Haiti being one.

I realize as I type even now that my mundane chores, like ironing and cleaning do not really matter. And even my pressing issues such as the problems with K cannot begin to compare with what these people are facing right now. This is an opportunity for literally thousands of people to seek and find God. I pray that this is exactly what will happen. Through the rubble, the devastation, and the grieving, they will seek Him. I cannot begin to imagine what they are going through, but I do know what it is like to travel a dark tunnel with days of fearing that you will never find your way out. God, help the residents of Haiti. As they walk through their dark tunnel, I pray they will allow You to be the light at the end of it. Thank you for being my hope during the dark days. From the world’s viewpoint, I may not be WILD and CRAZY, but WILD and CRAZY for You is what I want to be!

ON MY KNEES

2010-01-10T12:06:00.002-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fx10drNM3gc

This weekend proved to be one that I felt the need to be on my knees. It also made me realize that on my knees is where I need to be every single day that God puts breath in my lungs: Praying for my children: Praying for their protection as they walk through this maze they call LIFE: Dodging Satan and his Entities as they go. They do not even realize they live in a virtual video game! They are so vulnerable and He knows this!

My daughter's life choices are beginning to weigh heavy on her heart and in her mind. I believe that on a day-to-day basis she somehow pushes her circumstances in a corner and plunges on with her life. However, when she is physically sick and weak, as she was Friday and Saturday, it is as if she FEELS them! The pain is unbearable for her. Part of me hates this for her and part of me is thankful because when her heart is exposed I get a glimpse inside. I love the conviction that I see, but the mother part of me hates the pain that her child is having to endure.

We had a conversation this weekend that sent me straight to my closet (literally) and on my knees!

This is where I purpose to spend a lot of time hoping and praying (mostly praying) that this will be the year that she will take God's hand and begin to trust Him to pull her out of the mess she is in, that she will allow Him to lead and guide her into her future. She has goals for a career that she is excited about pursuing. I pray that she will trust Him with these goals, that He will bind the hand and feet of all those who would want to see her fail, and that she can once again live a life that she is not ashamed of, most importantly one that would please and honor Him.

“JESUS DOESN’T LIKE CANDY CORN”

2010-01-08T19:18:00.001-06:00

I was reminded of this story recently: A family from our church went out to eat at Cracker Barrel. After leaving the restaurant and getting into their car, they discovered that their little girl (she was approx. three years old at the time) had “taken” a package of candy corn (without them knowing about it or paying for it!) She was made to take the candy back in and say she was sorry to the cashier. The parents explained to her during the ride home as to why taking something without permission or without paying for it was wrong, why she was not allowed to do so, and why Jesus did not like it. At bedtime that evening, her mother wanted to get one last “instruction” in, just to make sure she got it. She asked her daughter, “G, do you remember what we talked about today?” Her daughter responded by saying, “Yes Mama! I know! Jesus doesn’t like candy corn!”

I want to believe that Jesus had to smile when he heard how this little one had interpreted this lesson learned from her act of disobedience.

I honestly do not know if Jesus likes candy corn or not. The Bible just does not say! But it DOES tell me that He does not like many things: violence; pride; haughtiness; lying; murdering; plotting evil; eagerness to do wrong; a false witness; sowing discord or troublemaking; promise breaking; gifts of the wicked; deeds of the wicked; and thoughts of the wicked…

I did not make a list of resolutions for 2010. I usually buckle under the pressure of having an actual list in front of me of things I am suppose to accomplish within a restricted amount of time. What I do want to focus on in 2010 is to remove the things in my life that I know God does not like, replacing them with all things good that will bring Him honor, feeling certain that this list will not have to include one of my favorite treats: candy corn!!

A CHANGE IN PLANS

2009-12-22T10:48:00.000-06:00

I am sitting here today (the Monday before Christmas) in Metairie listening to Christmas music, burning a Yankee Candle (Mistletoe) with the lights burning on my little three foot tree waiting for my husband to come home from work (early I hope) so we can finish up a little shopping that needs to be done.

I have had some time today to reflect back on the last few weeks. I had so many plans for the holidays this year. I wanted it to be so much more about friends and family than anything else and more than ever before. I have never been one to enjoy entertaining, but this year this was all I wanted to do. I began the week of Thanksgiving by preparing a seafood gumbo using an authentic Cajun recipe. We had my dad and step-mom over on Wednesday evening. The gumbo was a hit and we had a great visit with them.

Thanksgiving Day was spent at my mom’s. It was one of the best Thanksgivings I can remember. I can’t really pinpoint why, it just was! Everyone’s moods were uplifting and the food was wonderful. So we ate, we laughed, and truly enjoyed each other.

My mother- in- law's 70th birthday was on Thanksgiving Day this year. My sister-in-law and I had made plans to make it special for her. She (my sister-in-law) caught the swine flu and then got pneumonia. She was admitted to the hospital in the middle of November and ended up in ICU. Her condition became critical, so needless to say, everyone’s focus shifted to her. Thankfully she is home now and doing better. The birthday celebration had to be postponed.

I spent a good portion of my day on Friday at the hospital, giving my brother- in- law a break to go home and do some of the things he wanted or needed to.

On Saturday I put my Christmas tree up and decorated.

Sunday was the day we left for Metairie to attend the Saints vs. New England Patriots football game at the Superdome.

And the rest is history. (See blog entitled, “An 8 Day Recap”)

I had made many plans for when we returned home that included shopping, cooking, cleaning, decorating, and entertaining friends and family. A fractured rib changed my plans!

Last year I put up three trees and had planned on doing the same this year. The revised plan: My decorations are minimal. The tree I put up on the Saturday after Thanksgiving is it! I have boxes and boxes of decorations in my attic that have gone untouched and it's OK! I have been able to enjoy the few decorations I have out this year without once dreading the un-decorating.

I love to shop and always look forward to Christmas as the perfect excuse to do so. I enjoy the challenge of finding something that I think everyone will like and use. I put a lot of time and thought into each and every gift I purchase. My plan was to begin shopping right after Thanksgiving, to do so by myself, and to go during the beginning of each week to avoid the weekend crowds. The revised plan: I had to recruit my husband and son. And with their help, it is all done! It was rewarding for them to get to experience shopping for others. (Something they normally do not get to do because I have always done it all.) They especially enjoyed knowing they were doing something to help me. I also got to spend some quality time with my daughter that I may not have otherwise had as she chauffeured me around town one day to let me shop for my husband and son.

I had plans to celebrate my daughter’s birthday in Metairie. I intended on cleaning, decorating, and preparing the house for her and the rest of my family to come and spend the weekend with us as we celebrated her birthday together doing some fun things in the New Orleans area. The revised plan: I was still able to spend this weekend with them. We were able to do a few of the things I had planned, but more importantly I did not fret over cooking, cleaning, and decorating. These things (which are usually very important to me) did not matter. They took a backseat to what was really important: just spending time with my family.

All my plans to decorate, shop, clean, cook, and entertain came to a screeching halt. I know God has a sense of humor because He went to great lengths to keep me from the temptation of over doing it. Into the second week of my accident, when I probably would have pushed myself by going into town or going back to work, my car broke down! It is still in the shop being repaired.

I have had a tremendous amount of time over the past three weeks to rest; sit still; and do some things I may not have taken the time to do like watching Christmas movies, staring at the Christmas tree, but most importantly thinking about what this season is all about and mentally noting all the things I have to be thankful for. I do not take my blessings for granted. I have had time to think about how upset I can get when my plans get changed, but yet I am responsible for changing God’s plans everyday. He has plans to prosper me, to not harm me, and to give me hope and a future. Sometimes I get in the way of those plans. Through my selfishness, I miss out on so many blessings that He has planned for me.

Our plans change and that is OK, but His should never have to!

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV)

Merry Christmas! I hope you have made plans to take some time to reflect on Him this year!

Merry Christmas

2009-12-14T11:25:00.000-06:00

From My House To Yours!

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. Luke 2:13-14

AN 8 DAY RECAP

2009-12-11T10:36:00.003-06:00

DAY 1: Monday, November 30, 2009

My husband, son, and myself went to Metairie, LA. We left on Sunday to attend the New Orleans Saints vs. the New England Patriots game on Monday. I am not a Saints fan or a fan of football in general, but the tickets were given to us and I had anticipated and looked forward to the experience for quite a while. And, with little to no (emphasizing “no”) knowledge of football, even I knew it was an exciting game! The Saint’s fans are very loyal, loud but loyal. Several times I got caught up along with them in the cheering and rooting for the home team! The experience proved to be one that I will never forget. Not the team! Not the game! Not the victory! Not the fans! Not the cheering. No, for me it was the experience of leaving the Super Dome. I walked to the end of our row, took my first step onto the concrete steps and before I could reach the hand rails to grab on to, my feet went out from under me. (The concrete steps were slippery from all the beer that had been spilled!) I landed on my back. And to make what could be a very long story short: I arrived at Ochsner’s Hospital at around 11:30 and left there with the diagnosis of a fractured rib.

DAY 2: Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Was spent at Ochsner’s until around 4:30 am. We left to come home so my son could attend an 8:30 class that he could not miss. The pain medication that I was given at the hospital apparently made me sick. So to say the least, the two hour ride home was a very miserable one, with the pain, the vomiting, and fighting sleep because I needed to make sure my husband stayed awake at the wheel. He had been up since around 3:30 that morning. My son had his contact lenses packed away so he could not help drive. We were a pathetic trio!!

After we arrived at home, I do not remember too many details. I went to bed immediately. I also continued to take pain medication, this time along with an anti-nausea pill. I did talk to some friends and family members on the phone throughout the day as they each learned about what had happened.

DAY 3: Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Again, I cannot recall too many details about the day. The heating pad had become my BFF. I began to worry about the events I had planned for the upcoming weekend. I was not sure how I was going to be able to pull them off. I want to say, also, that I had already become aware of how God had protected me from something that could have been so much worse than what it was. He protected my spine from hitting the concrete which could have possibly left me paralyzed. He also protected my head. A hit that hard to my head could have taken my life. It did not take me three days to figure this out, but it certainly helped me to put everything else into perspective (even the big weekend that was planned).

DAY 4: Thursday, December 3, 2009

I am still not much better, but did not really expect to be. (I had been informed at the hospital that this type of injury takes up to a month to get over). My husband needed to be in his office on Friday, so I made the decision to travel back to New Orleans with him and try to salvage some of the plans I had made for my daughter’s 22nd birthday. So, with the most important items packed: the pain meds, the anti-nausea meds, and the heating pad, we hit the road around 5:00 p.m. We stopped in Slidell, LA and ate supper at Cracker Barrel. It felt good to get out since I had spent the better part of three days in the bed. And all the riding (even hitting the pot holes) did not seem to bother me very much. Not until the next morning…

DAY 5: Friday, December 4, 2009

Today was the day I truly regretted not giving my ticket to one of the many people who let me know how much they coveted it, or not selling it on e-bay for a ridiculous sum. I had teased my husband for a long time about selling them all so I could take my dream trip to New York to see the Christmas decorations and to shop on 5th Avenue.

I was not able to get out of bed by myself. Muscle spasms gripped me all day long and kept me there. I hated not being able to prepare the house for company and some food for the weekend. But my biggest concern was how to convince my family when they arrived on Saturday morning to continue on with all the planned activities and leave me at home in the bed. I was perfectly content with the idea. Actually, my back hurt too bad to imagine doing anything else. I had already experienced everything we had planned: eating out, shopping, Christmas in the Oaks, and so much more. I knew I would not be missing out on anything other than spending the time with them. I also know my family well enough to know that that is exactly why they could not have been convinced so easily. They would not have wanted to go without me.

I did a lot of praying today, asking God to allow me to be up and running (well, at least walking) by Saturday.

DAY 6: Saturday, December 5, 2009

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY GIRL (My 22 year old baby girl)!

God answered my prayers today. I got out of bed by myself and my back felt better! My daughter, son, mom, step-dad, brother, sister in law, niece, one of my daughter’s dogs (a sixty pound lab), and my poodle, Chloe, arrived shortly after noon. We wasted zero time. My daughter opened her gifts and then literally, within minutes, all the girls were back inside the car headed to the mall. We shopped for a couple of hours (well actually my daughter, sister-in-law, and niece shopped while my mom and I sat on a bench enjoying watching everyone else hustling and bustling) and then we met the guys for an early supper. From there, we went back home to prepare for the Christmas walking tour through the park. Even though the temperature was extremely cold, and even though I had to be pushed through the park in a wheel chair, I was so very grateful for this time to spend with all of them.

DAY 7: Sunday, December 6, 2009

Today my back is better than yesterday. I could not believe the mobility I had. My mom fixed a pastry dish for breakfast and then we all dressed and went to Whole Foods Grocery (an odd, but favorite pass time of ours) and then to the Riverwalk Marketplace area.

The entire weekend could not be described as perfect. There were some “moments”, but all in all, it was fun and I think everyone had a good time. It went by very fast, and some of us understand better than others why that was!!

My daughter had Monday off so she decided to stay an extra day. And because we were in two vehicles, everyone else left to go home from the City. My husband, daughter, and myself went back to the house in Metairie, fixed a lunch with some of our grocery buys, and then took a nap. After our nap, my daughter and I got chauffeured to the mall and were able to shop once again for a little while. When my husband picked us up, we went riding around looking at Christmas lights. Supper was a meal of homemade shrimp stew brought to us by friends. It was a welcome treat and very good! We got back in the car and took another drive. This time through LaFriene Park where all the lights that have always been on display at the home of Al Copeland can now be seen. It was gorgeous!! We went home and attempted to watch a Christmas movie. Ironically, I was the only one who stayed awake to see the end.

DAY 8: Monday, December 7, 2009

The plans: 1. My husband to go to work. 2. My daughter and I to finish up some shopping. (She had been trying to make up her mind about a purchase using some money she had received for her birthday.) (We both love to shop and there is no one else in the world I would rather shop with.) 3. To pack, get the dogs, and head home.

The dilemma: I did not feel good! I was having a difficult time moving around and wasn’t so sure I needed to make the two hour trip home. I spent most of the day feeling unsure about what to do. I am usually not so indecisive, but for some reason I felt uneasy about everything. Staying put and getting some rest sounded great, but I could not let go of the desire to ride home with my daughter. The later in the day it got, the greater this desire became. I thought it was because the day was getting away from us and I knew she would be getting into rush hour traffic, as well as, knowing that part of her drive home would be in the dark and possibly in the rain.

HERE IS WHERE I WANT TO CAMP OUT FOR A WHILE! NOT THAT THIS BLOG ISN’T LONG ENOUGH AS IT IS, BUT THE ENTIRE PURPOSE OF IT IS TO SHARE/DOCUMENT THE FOLLOWING:

I was so confused about what I needed to do that I asked my daughter to make the decision for me. At first, she tried to refuse, but I convinced her otherwise. I asked her to be honest in letting me know which she dreaded more: having to wait on me to pack, load up, a more crowded car, and then getting home later because of having to take me home first OR having to drive home by herself. I gave her a few minutes to think it over before giving me her answer. When I came out of the back bedroom to where she sat in the living room to ask her what she had decided, she started crying. She said she wanted me to go with her. DONE! AT PEACE! NO MORE DOUBTS! I immediately began packing.

She took a wrong turn on the way home. She took the exit to Hammond, Louisiana instead of Hattiesburg, Mississippi. It is an easy thing to do if you are not paying attention. We got somewhat turned around and I had to get my GPS out. We went about 3 miles out of the way. It was dark and would have been a little confusing without the GPS. Still trying to understanding why I was on my way home and not in the bed, I felt like I now had my answer and I told her so. “K, this is why I was suppose to be here with you.” Her reply, “No, it is not.” She began to cry.

For the rest of the ride home, she opened up to me. She explained her last trip home from visiting us in Metairie and how she cried and wailed (literally) all the way home as she agonized over her decisions, her life, her attempts to begin changing things when she returned home, and her failure to do so.

(She had expressed to me several times throughout the day how much she dreaded going home. I had no way of knowing why she dreaded it so much. She feared a repeat of her last trip home. I found out later that she had told my mother how much she loved visiting with us because of it being such a great get-a-way for her.)

For a very long time I had felt the desire to have another heart- to -heart with her, and had been praying for the right moment. There had been several opportunities that I could have seized, but never felt right in doing so. Some of my family members and one of my friends knew about my desire. I had actually begun feeling like I was making excuses every time one of them who knew I had been praying for this opportunity would ask me about it after knowing I had spent time with her. I felt like they thought I was simply avoiding talking to her and making excuses. Nothing was further from the truth. Completely out of character for me, I was being extremely patient, wanting God to give me the perfect time. And here it was!! I had had no time to plan it out in my head or rehearse what I was going to say to her. It was all spontaneous, but more importantly it was completely God led. Never one time throughout the day did I understand why I was struggling with what to do. Why the fight, the turmoil, and indecisiveness? I thought it was because I was sick or because I was medicated, but at that moment knew it was God not wanting me to know just yet. It was a very sweet moment. It was a moment that I will savor. It was in that moment that He chose to make things very clear to me.

As she opened up to me I realized more than ever the dangerous position she is in. She feels overwhelmed with her life. She has made some wrong decisions in relationships, priorities, etc. which have in turn pushed her into a corner that she cannot seem to get out of. She is very much overweight and miserable because she has turned to food for comfort. She is in debt partly because she has turned to shopping for a retreat. This has caused her to not be able to leave a very stressful job that she hates and return to school. This job leaves her exhausted and robs her of time to do anything else. She has a love and passion for animals, but has turned to them for comfort as well. She owns three dogs that contribute to her financial problems, as well as, hindering her in some of the decisions she needs to make in regards to moving, etc. (It’s kind of complicated!) We discussed all of this.

There is a prominent doctor in town who lost his young adult daughter this year. She drowned in a swimming pool. I do not know the details of the situation, but as you can imagine there has been a lot of “talk around the town.” My daughter knew her name through work and looked her up on facebook after the accident. She had a poem on her profile page that reached way down into the depths of my daughter’s soul and has affected her in a way that I cannot even begin to talk about. She read this poem to me that she had saved on her phone and I was once again amazed at how my God works, allowing this tragic situation to have a positive influence on someone else’s life.

Here it is:
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone; to have a deep soul relationship with another; to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But to a Christian, God says, "No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by Me alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, with having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone. Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me exclusive of anyone or anything else; exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing...one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best! Please allow Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest thing. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am. Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you. Just wait, that's all. Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others have gotten or that I have given them. Don't look around at the things you think you want. Just keep looking off and away to Me, or you'll miss what I want to show you. And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you would dream of. You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time, until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I've prepared for you. You won't be able to experience the love that exemplified you with Me, and this is perfect love. And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love, I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection,and love that I offer you with Myself. Know that I love you utterly. For I am God; believe it and be satisfied."

(I am still amazed at how God presented these words to her. They have penetrated her heart. I am not sure whether or not she will allow them alone to influence her into making life changing decisions, but they have definitely affected her in a way that could very well be a catalyst to move her in the direction she needs to be going.)

The last thing I wanted to leave her with was that “mom preached to me all the way home.” But I did not have to. She shocked and amazed me with her words as her heart spilled out. I did take the opportunity to explain to her why her discontentment (knowing where it comes from) gave me a sense of contentment. I think she understood.

What I realized I needed to leave her with was knowing how much she is loved, how much I care, how much I want her to be happy. I know what she must do to obtain true happiness and so does she. Her feelings of despair and loneliness concern me greatly. She is on very shaky ground. She needs stability. She knows where to get it, but is not quite ready to jump and allow her Father to catch her. I have to be her stability right now. Through prayer and letting her know that I am here for her and that she is not alone, maybe I can be the one to cheer her on, into the arms of the only One who can fix all of this. I used an example to show her how God would not storm into her life to fix everything, but as soon as she was ready to turn it all over to Him, how happy He would be to become a part of her life and would not refuse her. His willingness to help her out of the mess that she alone has allowed is only one prayer away, but it has to be her prayer! She is not ready yet, but I feel like she is closer than she has ever been on this three year journey. I will not give up on her.

He is working in her life. My prayer, along with everyone else's who loves her, is that she will reach out to Him as this is what He longs for. He is standing with arms wide open waiting for her. I find comfort right now in knowing that she knows this too.

A "God Sighting" Among the Flowers

2009-11-19T09:51:00.004-06:00

One morning as I drove to work listening to my favorite radio station, listeners were calling in sharing their stories of “God sightings”. Everyone who called in had a unique story, some small and some huge, but they were all stories of events that had taken place in their lives that they recognized as having been orchestrated by God. They were proud to share them with others, and rightfully so.

So, here is my “God sighting”. It is a story that is special to me because God’s handwriting is all over it.

It all began on Friday, June 19 while shopping. As I have already shared in a previous entry, I woke up on this particular morning with an overwhelming desire to start this blog. It had been on my mind off and on for quite some time, but not like this day. Prior to this, I had gone as far as to write down some ideas I had for a title. None of them felt right, so I sort of gave up, knowing God would give me a title when it was time. In case you are curious, one of my ideas was “Turning A Molehill Into A Mountain”. And while not such a bad idea, I knew it was not the one.

So, why was I making such a big deal over the title? It just was for me. My journey is a big deal. This blog is a big deal, every aspect of it, including the title.

Our mall’s location, as well as, some of my favorite stores, T.J.Maxx being one, are located on one side of town and a very few others, such as Steinmart and Trees- N-Trends are located on another. Normally I would go to the mall area , but for a reason I cannot remember, I went to Steinmart. My daughter also works in the part of town where Steinmart is located. While there, I felt an urgency to buy her a “happy”. I had sensed through some of the messages she had been putting on her phone’s contact information that she was having a bad week at work. I prayed and asked God to show me something special to buy her. And then I walked directly to an area where I spotted a pair of slippers (fuzzy, white, made to look like flip-flops). Perfect! She works very long hours at her job, stands all day, deals with a tremendous amount of pressure and stress, and also has some medical issues with her feet. I also bought her a bath sponge (one like she loves) and some yummy smelling bath gel. (She has an obsession with bath and beauty products. One year for Christmas, I found a cute duffle bag for her and filled it with all sorts of bath and beauty products purchased at Wal-Mart. This was not her main gift, but she has always remembered this one and still talks about it today.)

I needed to take my purchases to her at her job, so I wanted to present them to her in something other than a plastic bag, and I also wanted to give her a card. Steinmart’s gift bags are located in the very back of the store, tucked away in the corner. I think I forgot on this particular day that they even carried gift bags, causing me to make a trip to another store. I went to Big Lots located in the same shopping center directly behind Steinmart.

Now, comes a confession: I have a quirk! Actually, I have more than one, but I will only let you in on this one for now. It involves gift wrap, gift bags, and cards. They have to match! I do not know why, they just have to!

I found a pretty gift bag fairly quickly. The bath sponge I purchased was on a handle, so the bag had to be kind of tall. The one I chose (not really many to choose from that wasn’t birthday, wedding, baby, etc.) was muted green with a picture of three or four long stemmed flowers (maybe Gerber daises, not sure) across the front. I liked the bag, now off to find a card, a matching card!!

The cards were located on an aisle across and behind the aisle with the gift bags. I scanned the cards for a few minutes and could not find one that was appropriate or that (well, you know) matched! I thought I could find one that was blank on the inside so I could write my own message. With no luck in finding one I went back to the gift bags because the stationary was also on this particular aisle along with the packaged thank you and invitation cards. I thought I could possibly find something there, but again, no luck. I repeated this: scanned through the cards, went back and scanned the stationary. Keep in mind that I am praying, asking God for the right card as I search.

And then I found it! I am now back at the card display for the third time. The third time's a charm, right? I don't know, but I started crying on the card aisle in Big Lots as I held in my hand THE CARD. Not “the card that would have to do”. Oh my goodness, no! It was THE CARD, the card He gave me to give to her! I fully understand and know that God is aware of my little “gift bag/card matching” quirk. (as well as all of my other ones). But, I had given up on finding a card to match the bag I had found. I had begun just hoping and searching for one that was either blank or had the appropriate words in it, not caring what color it was or what kind of picture was on the front.

All I could think of as I stood there holding this card as I sobbed was, Oh ye of little faith!! I guess I had forgotten that He cares about my little quirks. Not only did He give me the card that matched the bag I had found, it was also the card with the most wonderful and perfect words for me to share with her. It was also the card He gave to me as well. I was completely aware of the fact that He had just given me the inspiration for the title of this blog AND an idea for my first post!

Sorry for the poor quality pictures, but you get the general idea. Remember the description of my gift bag: pastel green with long stemmed flowers! The colors do not show up very well in these pictures, but the bottom of the card, as well as, the inside is a shade of light green.

The poem on the front of the card is the same one located on my sidebar. The inside reads: "Take time to smell the flowers, and take time for yourself". You're very special.

Wow, what a God sighting!! What great and wonderful things He can do - even in the way of something as simple as a card!

The Beach

2009-11-06T11:18:00.000-06:00

I spent a few days this past week at the beach in Gulf Shores, Alabama with a friend helping her paint and redecorate her condo. Here are some pictures I took off the balcony of the ocean and some of the sunset one evening (the pictures did not do the sunset justice. It was breathtaking.)

HOME SWEET HOME

2009-10-18T20:50:00.008-05:00

CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THESE ARE?

Did you guess Christmas decorations? YES
In October? YES
Have I lost my mind? YEA, PROBABLY

I LOVE the holidays! I LOVE everything about October thru December! I LOVE to decorate for the holidays, especially Christmas. While, yes, a few small holiday-ish things have started showing up around here, I love the fall too and will wait until next month before I get too wild and crazy with all things red, green, and shiny! I will give October and November their just due.

I also LOVE to be at home!

My thoughts lately have been on the story of the lost son found in Luke 15: 11-32 and what he had to come home to. Here is what I came up with:

-A dad who (most probably) periodically looked down the road full of hopefulness. And then finally on that glorious day when he first caught a glimpse of his son walking towards the house, (a great way off) he could not contain himself. He took off running as fast as he could. vs. 20

-A dad, full of compassion, who immediately showered his son with affection. vs. 20

-A dad who forgave. vs. 21

-A dad who was concerned for his son’s physical needs, as well as, wanting to display physical evidence of his forgiveness. vs. 22

-A dad who was so full of joy that he wanted to celebrate. He was ready to throw a party, one with guests, gifts, and food. vs. 23

-A brother who could not have been expected to understand the unconditional love and forgiveness of a parent’s heart.

One day in late June of last year, my daughter came home to spend the night. I am working on putting my thoughts and words together to write the story that lead up to this evening and I will share it in the very near future.

She stood in the kitchen on the morning of June 27, 2008 as she prepared to leave for work and said to me, “Mom, I will come home one day and it will be for good.”

As I thought about the story of the lost son and what he came home to, I started to think about what she would have to come home to.

Here is what she came home to on that night in June, as well as, what she has always had at home:

1. A house that is clean
2. A house that is quite and peaceful
3. A house that smells good
4. Fresh, clean, and crisp linens
5. Stacks of soft, fluffy towels
5. Pets that try to lick her to death
6. Plenty of food to eat
7. A house that is cool in the summer and warm in the winter
8. A house that is far enough away from town that she can hear crickets chirping and train whistles, she can see fireflies in the woods and stars in the sky in the evening, but close enough to the local mall and restaurants that the drive is only 10 minutes away
9. The privacy of her own room
10. A warm shower or a hot bath
11. Candles burning and lamps glowing
12. And so much more

She and I both understood that when she said she would be back home, it did not mean to this physical address, but rather back into our lives - “for good.”

God, I thank you for the story of the lost son and for this insight into who you are. How many times have I lost my way, in a sea of self-centeredness?   God thank you for your patience, thank you for watching and waiting for me to return. Thank you that when I do, you forgive, you have compassion and joy. Thank you for loving me. The things I want my daughter to receive when she returns are the very things you offer me when I leave and come back to you. Fill me with your forgiveness, your patience, your compassion, your joy, and your unconditional love so that when she returns this is what she will find:

- A mother who has periodically watched for her to return home. And on that glorious day when I catch the first glimpse of her out of the corner of my eye, I will not be able to contain myself.

- I will run. I will fall at her neck. And I will kiss her.

- I will forgive her.

- To sum things up, I will be filled with excitement, joy, compassion, affection, and forgiveness.

- I will once again be able to show my love to her through giving her the desires of her heart.

- I will be understanding towards others who may not understand unconditional love. I will pray that they can find forgiveness in their hearts.

In other words, God, I will be able to do exactly what you do for me!

Forgive me when I lose my way. Help me to always be able to find my way home, back to you, and help her to find her way back as well! Amen

FINALLY FALL!!

2009-10-16T09:43:00.003-05:00

And we have the weather today to prove it!

High today: 67 Low today: 43

Love Bug “A-La-Carte”

2009-10-15T15:24:00.009-05:00

August 29, 2009 was the 4 year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. The day came and went and I did not give much thought to it. At least, not as much as I did a couple of weekends ago as my husband worked on some house projects, including repainting our back door, the one that leads out into our carport. Unfortunately, I did not take a BEFORE picture. But, here is the AFTER picture:

What you would have seen in the BEFORE picture would have looked identical to the AFTER picture, only without the fresh paint and with the addition of what we suspect to be love-bugs left over from Hurricane Katrina lining the inset of this door.

New Orleans got a tremendous amount of media coverage after this devastating hurricane because of the flood waters after the levee broke. Gulfport/Biloxi, Mississippi will never be the same. The old stately mansions that lined the beach-front are forever gone. Neither did the Hattiesburg/Petal, Mississippi area escape the path of this storm. Here is what I remember:

My father in law passed away just a few short days before Katrina hit. Needless, to say our thoughts were not exactly on the upcoming storm. But, after the funeral we managed to focus on getting prepared. So like, everyone else, we stocked up on supplies that would get us by for the next few (maybe 2 or 3) days of inconvenience without electricity. These few days turned into 11 to be exact, and this was a very short time in comparison to those we knew who were without it for a month, and longer.

We began to see and feel the effects of the storm as early as 7:00 a.m. that morning, maybe even earlier.   The winds had begun to pick up, so I woke my husband and told him that if he did not get up he was going to miss it! I can laugh now, realizing how ridiculous this was, because it was a looooong day. I especially remember the three or four hours, from around 1:00-4:00 or 5:00 that were very, very scary!!   By that evening we were all weary, mentally exhausted, thankful that we had survived, and yet uncertain about what the future held.

Let me explain.

It was not until around noon or shortly after that my husband and I truly realized the seriousness of this storm and that our lives were in danger. Of course we did not share this realization with the kids! There was no piece of furniture in the house strong enough or bathroom or closet safe enough to keep us out of harms way from the trees that were snapping and falling all around us. We have several massive pine trees in our yard, some so close to the house that if we opened a window and stretched our arm, we could probably touch some of them.   At one point during the day, my son stepped out onto the front porch. It was like slow motion, as my husband and I ran for him when he yelled, “Son! Check this out!”. At that instant a large tree had snapped and was falling towards the porch. Thankfully, missing it and him! We pulled him in and finished having our heart attacks. For the better part of the morning, we still had phone service, and were able to communicate with family and friends. While talking to some of our good friends, a tree fell and came through a window and into their kitchen. Also, while talking to my mother, a tree fell onto her roof. Actually there were two trees on her house.   She had limbs and branches sticking down out of the ceiling in her living room and in her bedroom.

Literally, we spent the entire day watching to see which way the wind was bending the trees and moving from room to room in hopes that we could dodge the ones that were falling. Yea, and we also did a whole lot of praying, along with trying to keep our hysterical daughter calmed down!!!

By the time the storm was over, it was dark outside, we had no electricity, no phone service, and no idea what truly lay ahead of us. We were thankful that it was over, thankful that there were no trees on the house, but mostly thankful that we were all ok.   I remember lying in bed that evening with the windows open and the cool breeze blowing in, thinking, “This is not going to be so bad, a couple of days without electricity, enough food and water to see us through, and cool enough outside that we will not miss the air conditioner.”

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. And wrong.

Let me try to recall a portion of this 11 day nightmare:

1. We were left in the dark. Literally, without electricity. But also we were gridlocked at home, unable to call or drive to check on anything or anyone. There were fallen trees blocking roads everywhere! Thanks to all the volunteers, (many of them who came from out of town) the roads were soon cleared, but there was another little problem that crept into the picture: A gasoline shortage.

There was also little to no phone service and we could not check on family, friends, co-workers, employees, etc. In our day and age of instant communication, isolation was difficult!! My husband was the general manager at a local manufacturing facility. My sister-in-law had the only cell phone that we knew of that had service. Thankfully, he was finally able to use it to make some of his much needed calls to his employees and to the corporate office.

2. We were unprepared. We did not have enough drinking water, food, ice, money, gasoline, coca-cola…! When some of the stores finally began to open again, there was a shortage on most food items. We also did not have electricity, so buying milk or anything else perishable was not feasible. Everything, and I mean everything, was closed in the beginning, grocery stores, banks, restaurants, and even the mall and Wal-Mart (imagine that). There was devastation everywhere and no one was prepared. Because of damaged buildings, no electricity, and the lack of workers, everything just shut down.

In the beginning there were no gas stations that were open and then when a few finally did, they were rationing gas. We were only allowed to get a few gallons at a time, the prices were outrageous, and if you dared to get in line, the wait was anywhere between one to two hours long. Also, you had to have cash as most of the stations had no way of running a credit card through.

At one point during these 11 days, my husband knew someone who needed to travel out of town for medical reasons. The situation was very serious. My brother (because of his job) was able to sneak the family into an area during the night and fill their vehicle. (Nothing illegal took place, just having the right connections!) They (my husband and brother) talked about how scary it was being in that situation. People everywhere seemed to have gone crazy. There had been shootings over bags of ice! This has to be somewhat close to the way things are going to be during the Tribulation Period. Glad I will not be here!

On a lighter note: my brother (my one and only, the one who was able to help this family) came to my house, with his son, right on the edge of the storm reaching it’s worst to see if we had some cokes. Yea, he did!!

3. We were hot. The breeze that Katrina teased us with on that first night, was to never be seen or felt again! The humidity was off the charts. Just walking around in the house, left us completely wet with perspiration, so working outside trying to clear the debris during the day was unthinkable and sleep at night was impossible. Did I tell you it was hot? The only relief was to take a shower, but that was really futile. Stepping out of the shower and drying off caused one to break out into another sweat!

We have a natural gas hot water heater in our house, so several of our friends and family members came over to take showers. Even though it was as hot as it was, none of us wanted to take a cold shower!

4. We were bored. I know boredom sounds shallow in lieu of everything else that was going on, but it was a problem for us during this time, it just was. Everything we did on a daily basis had come to a screeching halt. There was no getting dressed, no going to work, no shopping, no cooking, no cleaning house, no doing laundry, no visiting friends, no talking on the phone, no working in the yard, no going out to eat, no watching TV, no computers or video games, no routine, no normalcy. The days and nights were hot, long, and full of uncertainties. This was especially true about the nights. Depression was looming.

One night, I went outside and sat in my car. I needed desperately to do something “normal”, so I plugged my little portable DVD player into the cigarette lighter and watched a movie. It was hot, but I didn’t care. It was a movie that I had watched a hundred times before, but I didn’t care. My car battery was completely dead after the movie was over, but I did not care!

I am sorry for the long post. I did not intend on it being so long, but decided to go ahead and dump some of my memories here just in case, well you know, one day I may not be able to recall them anymore! The reason for the title, “Love Bug A-La-Carte”, it’s coming!

5. We were worried. In the beginning, before we could see the light at the end of the tunnel, there was much for us to be concerned about. As I stated earlier, the nights especially seemed to be the worst. They were long, hot, and filled with uncertainties. We were busy for the most part during the daylight hours, and literally spent them like pioneers, gathering enough supplies to make it through the day and into the next one. Our needs on a day to day basis became overwhelming, things that we had always taken for granted, like ice and water!

There was the issue with the insurance company. Would they come through for us? Although, there were no trees on the house, there was still considerable damage to the roof and other areas due to the strong winds.

We were concerned about others. I remember sitting in my friend’s living room after the roads were cleared and we were able to travel again. I broke out in tears because I could not get to my parents house to check on them. I needed my mom and needed to see for myself that she was ok, but because she lives about twenty to thirty minutes away from us, we were afraid we did not have enough gas to take us there and get us back home. This is how serious it was!

We feared for our future. During this particular time, there were some serious issues going on with my husband’s job, too many to go into. But, it gave us reason to be very concerned. For several days after the hurricane, we had no idea whether or not the building was still standing, whether or not there would be any employees left to work, or any customers left to buy their products. The closing down of this particular branch had been looming over our heads and we felt like this would probably be a good time for the corporate office to finally seal the deal and go forward with the transferring of this facility to another location.

6.We had love-bugs. There was a plague. Never had we ever seen so many. If you opened your mouth outside you would be picking love bugs out of your teeth. Seriously!

7. We were hungry. Into the second week of this, yea, we were hungry! Most evenings we ate by candlelight. Not on purpose, but nightfall seemed to creep up on us, so by the time we could get a meal prepared and sit down to eat, it would be dark.

My family was hungry for something to eat that did not come out of a can. We wanted real food! Another friend of ours had shared with us some food that had been given to her and her family. In the package of goodies, was some link sausage. So on this particular day, I had the menu planned out: Grilled sausage with macaroni-and-cheese. I could not wait and I was determined that we were going to eat before dark! When it came time to put the sausage on the grill, I took it out of our ever so slightly cool refrigerator (running on a generator) to notice immediately that there was green mold growing on it. I almost pretended not to see it, but not wanting to make my family sick, I resisted the temptation. On to plan B. I didn’t really have a plan B, but created one rather quickly. I knew there were some hot dog wieners in the frig also, so I got them out and gave them to my son to grill in place of the sausages.    He walked into the house, too soon for the hot dogs to be ready, with too pale of a face. He hated to tell me that he had accidentally knocked the portable, charcoal grill over, spilling the hot dogs all over the ground. Seriously, I would have hosed them down and eaten them anyway if he had not already sent them hurling into the nearby woods. Plan C: Canned meat! I opened a can of spam, sliced it, and handed this platter of scrump-dilly-ish-ous-ness to him to grill with the instructions to not let me know if he knocked them to the ground. “Just pick them up, wipe them off, keep grilling, and keep quite!”

Outside, in our makeshift kitchen, he grilled and I prepared the macaroni and cheese on the portable stove-top.

Inside, by candlelight, I was overwhelmed. We ate canned meat and I apologized to everyone as we picked the love-bugs out of our macaroni and cheese. No one said a word. No sounds were made other than the clinking of silverware and my sobs!

8. We saw the light. The one at the end of the tunnel. And we could not have been more ready. Thankfully, even before our electricity was restored, relief came. A company within my husband’s corporation brought food, water, ice, money, barrels of gasoline to him and all his employees. What stands out in my mind, was the manner in which it was brought to us. They made the delivery to our house in the middle of the night. I cannot remember where they drove from, but it was a far distance. We offered our house to them for some rest before they started the trip back. They declined, wanting to leave immediately . The guys were very nervous. They had heard so much about theft and loitering that they were literally afraid of being ambushed. They could not get the truck unloaded and out of the area fast enough.

So many other volunteers came to our rescue and provided relief in other areas. We were finally able to get gas, money from the bank, groceries, ice, drinking water. We even had a generator to keep our food cool, and to run fans at night. I swore the night we went to bed after the power came back on and we turned the air conditioner on to never take electricity for granted again.

Our insurance company came through for us.

The government came to our rescue with funds available for everyone to get back on their feet.

My husband’s company did not shut down. His workers all eventually came back to work and they resumed business as usual.

Areas like Gatlinburg, TN were offering free trips to the victims of Hurricane Katrina. My daughter and two of our friends were able to make this trip during Thanksgiving that year. We truly had so much to be thankful for!

The love bugs went away! YAH! But, I still cannot eat macaroni and cheese without thinking that a main ingredient is missing!

Bon Appetit.

GOING GREEN

2009-10-02T09:54:00.000-05:00

I went walking last night. There is a cow pasture next to the track where I walk, and it reminded me of something I read recently. It was a writer’s very unique perspective of a well known Bible verse: Psalms 23:2: He maketh me to lie down in green pastures… Her perspective: God gives all of us green pastures, but we do not always recognize them as green pastures.

It was someone’s opinion. That’s all. And whether I agree with her or not, I’m not sure, but it did give me something to think about. So, here are my thoughts: Maybe we DO recognize our green pastures, but refuse to lie down in them. Why? We stand with our weight on one foot, taping the other one, gazing around at other pastures. They look bigger and greener. No, we will not lie down in our pasture, we will wait until our grass is greener or just as green as the one on the other side of the fence. Or, maybe we are not comparing ours to others at all, just discontent with it’s appearance, so we will wait until it looks as good as we think it should, and then and only then will we lie down in it.

Just thinking out loud!

This past weekend, my husband spent some time with his brothers. The visit included watching one brother play with his grand baby while anticipating the birth of a second one, as well as, listening to another brother as he talked of his daughter’s upcoming graduation and receiving her doctorate degree. He came home feeling a little down and with questions. Not new ones. Not ones that I have not already asked myself. I shared with him some of the thoughts and feelings I have had over the years as I attended all the baby showers, wedding showers, the weddings, and the graduation ceremonies.

I hope you will not think of me as a selfish person or full of self pity because I truly felt a sense of pride and joy for the families involved, but at the same time the events triggered questions and a sadness that allowed me to fully understand what my husband was feeling.

It was during these times that my pasture did not look very green, and I certainly did not want to lie down in it, knowing this was exactly what Satan had set out to do. When I allowed my mind to wonder into a comparison mode, it left room to doubt.

Why, God? Why am I where I am at this very moment with my children when I did everything I was suppose to do? You promised me that if I raised them in the nurture and admonition of you they would not depart from you. But they have. I see families who did not, from all appearances, allow you to be the center of their lives and yet all seems to be well with them. Why?

Knowing fully that with the belt of truth to shield me from Satan‘s lies; the breastplate of righteousness to protect my heart; my feet shod with preparation to give me the motivation to move forward and to share what you are doing in my life with others; the shield of faith so as to not become consumed with setbacks knowing that even though I cannot see beyond my present circumstance, God, you can; and then finally the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit to protect my mind when the doubts come… I can lie down… in my green pasture.

Yet, God, at times, I still struggle. I look around me and see the other pastures. They look quite lush and green, the way I want mine to look. I stand. I tap my foot. And I wait… for greener pasture.

I pray right now that I will not measure my success as a parent by the choices my children have made although others may be doing this very thing. And while they may compare my children’s lives with their children’s and then use this to justify not having a relationship with you, I do not want to be caught up in this lie as well. I do not want to doubt you. Having a relationship with you does not mean a life without struggles. It means that I can draw closer to you while going through them and then hopefully become a stronger and better person because of them. It means that I have been given an opportunity to show you and what you can do to others. When I look around and “all seems to be well with the world”, help me to understand that while all may be well with the world, all may not be well with the soul. Thank you for my green pasture. I know you are not finished with it. There is much plowing and cultivating still to be done. I will look forward to a fully matured pasture. I will anticipate the story I will be able to tell one day of how it came to be. In the meantime, I will lie down. I will be still and know. I will look up and I will believe.

Prayer Request

2009-09-25T11:41:00.000-05:00

Please pray for my daughter. She has the flu and is very sick. Pray for God to heal her physically, but more importantly to use this illnes to begin to chip away at her callused heart and mind. I truly believe He uses things like this to grab our attention. She is vulnerable. She is frightened. I want her to turn to Him right now to heal her body, and then to begin to feel the confidence and assurance that He can also heal her spiritually. Thank you!

TO AND FRO

2009-09-24T11:09:00.005-05:00

“For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth to shew himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect (made ready) toward him.” II Chronicles 16:9

Today, God, as your eyes run to and fro throughout this whole earth, I pray they stop when they see me because you find me:

Seeking you for the questions I have no answers to--battered and broken--looking up--not letting go--courageous--not shaken--praising you in the storm--moved with compassion--thanking you even in the circumstance--waiting on your timing because I cannot see the end--calling you friend--calling out your name--separated from the world--joyful in all things--being not afraid--longsuffering--setting my hope in you--loving you because you first loved me--trusting you when I doubt myself and others--steadfast--setting an example for those around me--giving--studying--worshiping you--with a true heart full of assurance--fruitful--in awe of you--pleasing you--believing in you--faithful--with humility of mind--being of good cheer--hungering and thirsting after righteousness--forgiving those who have trespassed against me--confessing my sins--keeping thy precepts diligently--encouraged--exhorting one another--being fervent in the spirit--glad--increased in knowledge and faith--justified--wise--quiet and peaceful--meek and lowly in heart--willing and obedient--keeping your commandments--proclaiming your goodness--delighting in you--resting in you--waiting on you…

In Job 2:2 God asked Satan, “From whence comest thou? And he answered , “From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it.”

God, protect me, protect my husband, protect my children as Satan’s plan is to devour all that he can as he, also, looks to and fro.

FIND ME FIRST, GOD! FIND THEM FIRST!

I will not be AFRAID… I will not be AFRAID…

2009-09-18T08:12:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday, May 19, 2009 my daughter came to visit. I allowed fear to wash over me as she and I conversed as if there were no lies, no secrets, no regrets, and no heartache between us.

Driving to work on Wednesday, June 10, 2009 I prayed to be filled with the Fruits of the Spirit. God was gracious and allowed me to realize that I had choked them out of my life and replaced them with fear. At that moment, I purposed in my heart …

I will not be AFRAID of things never being any different than they are right now in her life. I will not let impatience overcome LONGSUFFERING.

I will not be AFRAID that the hurt is never going to go away. I will not let sadness steal my JOY.

I will not be AFRAID that if I ever have the opportunity to confront some of the people in her life that I will do or say something regrettable. I will not hate, be intemperate, unkind, or mean spirited. I will LOVE, be TEMPERATE, and GENTLE.

I will not be AFRAID that others will find out. I will not allow pride to stand in the way of MEEKNESS.

I will not be AFRAID that she will never trust God to give her the strength and courage she needs to let go of this stronghold. Do I allow doubt to overcome my FAITH? No.

I will not be AFRAID of this turmoil. I will remain calm and PEACEFUL.

I will not be AFRAID of evil tidings; but rather my heart is fixed, trusting in the Lord. Psalms 112: 7

And then

I shall be like a tree, planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his FRUIT in his season…

SHE CANNOT BUT HE CAN

2009-09-17T12:37:00.003-05:00

I often read Lysa Terkeurst’s blog from Proverb’s 31 Ministries. She has an amazing insight and an incredible gift for writing. God always speaks clearly to me through her words. Every time I read her blog, it seems that she has written about the very thing I needed on that particular day or something that I, too, struggle with.

This past June, she dedicated a post to temptation. She described it as Satan’s three step plan and here is a summary of that plan:

1. Satan wants us to crave physical gratifications (sex, drugs, food, alcohol, etc.) and to become preoccupied with them. He uses stimulation such as sound, touch, taste, and sight to accomplish this. He then keeps us distracted with cycles of guilt and justifications.

2. He wants us to remain forever distracted by never being satisfied, always wanting more, newer, bigger, shinier… (power, money, “things”)

3. He crowns us lord over whatever has captivated us. We are now elevated, revered, worthy, noticed, commended, prideful…

With my daughter in mind, I want to add an OR to step #3:

OR we become addicted. (Not being proud of our attainments, but rather chained to them)

This is where she is in her life right now: addicted. She told me so once. She has not become lord over her choices, they have become lord over her. This is why SHE CANNOT get out of her pit.

Dear K,

I know you have slipped away from me again. I am all too familiar with your absence , the unanswered phone calls, unanswered messages, and your excuses. I hear your lies, but more importantly I see them on your face.

Heartache gripped me yesterday as I walked through Wal-mart buying groceries for this weekend. I had high hopes of spending it with you. I choked back the tears wondering where you were and what you were doing, and I am not only referring to this week or last, but what happened to my daughter, where is she? I was overcome with the all too familiar feelings of disbelief. It was never suppose to be this way. These were not my plans. These were not His plans.

I hold on tight when you allow me to, with the hope that one day my grip will be strong enough to help you out of the pit you are in. I am not sure exactly when, but you let go again, and I am overcome with discouragement.

For several weeks now, I have had a strong desire to have another heart-to-heart talk with you. The right time never came. Did I go the extra mile to find the right time or was it simply not in His plan? I do not know. Would it have made a difference? I do not know that either. But, I do know this:

Your addictions are keeping you where you are right now: far away from me, far away from this family that loves you, and far away from God. I also believe with all my heart that although my grip may not be strong enough to help you, His is. I have the assurance that one day, you will take His hand as He delivers you from all of this. The addictions are not good for you (physically, mentally, or spiritually), but their influences are too strong for you to overcome. He will have to be the one to do it. HE CAN. He will bring you into a better place. Why? Because He delights in you! I, too, delight in you.

I love you, Mom

Psalms 18:17-19 “He delivered me from my strong enemy, and from them which hated me: for they were strong for me. They prevented me in the day of my calamity: but the Lord was my stay. He brought me also into a large place; He delivered me, because He delighted in me.”

THE PITS

2009-09-13T21:03:00.000-05:00

In my very first blog entry I mentioned my great-grandparents storm shelter or storm pit as we called it. They lived approximately 100 miles north of the Gulf Coast so we stayed with them and in their storm pit during Hurricane Camille. I was eight years old at the time and here is what I remember about the experience and the pit:

It was dirty and smelly,

dark and scary.

It was hot and built underground;

so the only way in was down,

and the only way out was up.

Inside, I felt secluded and cut off from the rest of the world, but I was not alone. My parents, my brother, grandparents, great-grandparents, and maybe others that I do not remember were in there with me. Because it was dark, I feared snakes, spiders, and any other creepy crawlies that may have taken shelter from the storm as well. But, since I had a greater fear of what was going on outside of those dirt walls, I stayed put. (Not that I had a choice really.) I wondered what the storm was doing and what kind of damage we would find once outside. I wondered how my parents would know when to leave. I thought we were all going to suffocate.

Once the storm was over and we were finally outside, life was different and difficult for us for quite a while. Our home in Long Beach, Mississippi, as well as, all of our belongings had been completely destroyed. We learned the insignificance of “stuff” and the significance of others. We were humbled and grateful as we witnessed an outpouring of love and generosity from friends, family, and complete strangers who were there to help us through this journey.

In the beginning of 2007, my daughter pushed me, the rest of her family, and everyone else who loved her away and climbed down into her own pit. She lived there seemingly content for nearly two years. At the end of 2008 I caught a glimpse of her hand as she reached up while trying to climb out. So what did I do? I went in. It was all too familiar, and here is what I saw: It was dark, dirty, scary, and smelly. Inside, she was secluded and cut off from the rest of the world, but not alone. She wondered if she would ever be able to leave, but the fear of what she would encounter on the outside, kept her inside. She wondered if anyone would be there to stand by her until she could get on her feet again. She thought she would suffocate. I went in thinking I could carry her out for fresh air and she could begin to live again, but soon discovered that this was an impossibility.

She has not made it out yet. And while it is not possible for me to go in and carry her out, it is possible for me to go in and wrap my love around her in hopes that someday with my help and prayers she will let go of her fears and trust enough to begin her ascent. I LONG to see her foot on the last step as she climbs out. I LIVE to see her foot on the last step as she climbs out: Far, far away from her pit!

FYI

2009-09-10T22:22:00.004-05:00

Just in case anyone is remotely interested in what I did today, for the better part of it I was in THERAPY:

Wish I May, Wish I Might

2009-09-09T21:19:00.000-05:00

A good friend of mine has a fourteen year old son and here lately every time I talk to her on the phone she is either on her way to drop him off somewhere or on her way to pick him up. The other day while talking to her she was sitting in a parking lot waiting on him as he finished his ball practice. It brought back memories of the days when I, too, ran a taxi service for my children. They were not yet old enough to drive, but their social lives were busting at the seams. I wished for them to get their driver’s license and then when they did I wished to take that wish back.

I am pretty sure I have wished my way through every season in my life: Wishing I would graduate, wishing I was married, wishing I had a job, wishing I had a better job, wishing I could quit my job, wishing for children, wishing each stage of their lives to end, to move on to the next, wishing them grown, and then wishing they had not. And these are just some of the major ones. I think age has made me realize that all the phases or seasons I have experienced so far HAVE BEEN my life. I don’t know, maybe it just takes looking at them as past events to make one realize this.

I am on a journey right now with my daughter, an unwanted journey. Even though I struggle from time to time, I make a conscious effort to try not to get impatient in wanting it all to end. I do so badly want it to. I hate the time that is being wasted in her life, in our lives. But, so does God and for some reason He has allowed all of this and only He knows when and how it will end. All the wishing in the world, is not going to make it go away. So I have determined in my heart to camp out in this season of my life and watch God work and then share Him with others.

…we spend our years as a tale that is told. So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom. Psalms 90:9b, 12.

Standing In The Middle Of The Street

2009-09-08T21:28:00.003-05:00

(I usually know what I want to title my posts before I ever start typing. This is not the case right now, not that it really matters, but I know God will bring something to my mind and I cannot wait to see what it is.)

Late this afternoon, I listened to a recorded testimony of a mother and father who lost their teenage daughter this year to cancer. As their story unfolded, they told of their daughter’s courage, of their strength as God carried them through this storm, and of their faith and assurance that His will was being accomplished in and through it all. It was truly awe-inspiring. You cannot listen to a father’s heart without being moved to tears as he shares how that even though he would miss walking his daughter down the aisle to marry, or miss seeing her walk to receive her diploma (he is the principal at her school) that he was still secure and happy in knowing that she is now walking the ultimate walk, down the streets of gold!

Today is the first day after Labor Day, and I have been asked more than once if I had a good weekend. I was able to say yes. Yes, I did, thank you. (only because God guarded my ears, my eyes, and most importantly my heart) I did not tell them that part, though, because I just recently discovered what He did for me. You see, I just discovered the street that my daughter may have possibly walked down during this holiday weekend. I learned of the HUGE celebration that took place in a major city in another state that is known for these types of celebrations. I have a heavy heart knowing, with little room to doubt, that she partook in the celebration. All arrows point her in this direction.

It is so ironic that I worried about my children when they were little: letting go of my hand, getting into the street, and being hit by a car. What were the chances? Today, at the age of 21, my daughter has let go of my hand, His hand; left my side, His side; and is now IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET. She is standing there frozen and trapped, not knowing which direction to turn as the lies and deceptions zoom around her.

O.K., Sweetie, the coast is clear. Run while you still have the chance. Run to the side (to His side) where you will be safe. RUN, SWEET GIRL, RUN!

BOY vs. GIRL

2009-09-07T21:10:00.007-05:00

One day last week as I drove to work I heard a debate of sorts on an American Family Radio station. “Are boys easier to raise than girls?” It caught my attention because I could relate since I have both. One person stated that boys were easier because when you have a boy you only have to worry about one boy, but when you have a girl you have to worry about ALL the boys. I thought that was pretty clever. The majority of those who wrote or called in said that girls are easier when they are younger and harder when they are older, and boys are easier when they are older and harder when they are younger.

Instead of giving you my opinion upfront, I thought I would first give you some insight into the personality of my two children.

MY DAUGHTER: At a very early age (very early) she demonstrated signs of independence. She did not like to cuddle. She did not like to be rocked. She had two dolls that she always slept with, Jammie Pie and Puff-a-Lump, better known as Puff and Jam. She had a sense of style all her own when it came to clothes, shoes, etc. She had blue eyes, curly blond hair and was adorable. She loved animals, especially dogs. She hated all things outdoorsy and especially bugs. She had the sweetest and most contagious laugh. She was well behaved and smart. She loved to be on the go. She would wake every single morning and get fully dressed even if she knew we were not going anywhere. Something she said once that we still say on occasion: I asked her one day on our way home from church what she had learned in her Sunday school class. She said she learned about Godum and Eda. (Adam and Eve.) Something she did once, that I hope to never forget: As I held her in my arms, she counted the buttons on my shirt. When she reached ten, I complemented her and told her how proud I was of her. She said, “Yea, I’m learning my buttons!” She was a very discontent little girl. We had all the talks, the ones where we tried to make her understand why she needed to be content, “The grass is not always greener on the other side; there will always be those with more and less than us”, but it followed her into her teen years as did her drive for independence. She was strikingly beautiful. People told me so all the time. Her lifestyle has now taken it’s toll on her appearance. She had one automobile accident. Her early teen years were troubled as I have blogged about previously. We managed to survive them and enjoyed about three years of closeness. My daughter grew up, and we were having a grown-up relationship. And then she turned nineteen, and she is where she is right now and I am here blogging about this torrential journey. She told me she hated me once or twice. I know she did not mean it. She grew up in a stable home, one where her dad and I took the responsibility of her physical, spiritual, and mental well-being seriously. She has an extremely likable personality and sense of humor.

MY SON: During infancy and for a long time afterward he was very, very dependent. He was a mama’s baby and HAD to be rocked to sleep. He was a beautiful little boy, and was the teacher’s pet in kindergarten. He stole her heart with his cherub-like face and sweet disposition. He had a security blanket. It was accidentally thrown away by the maid service while we were on vacation. I am sure it was because it looked like a an old worn out rag. It was time to wean him from it since he was five years old at the time, but when my mother learned of the incident, she went out and bought him another one. I will not tell you how long he slept with that one. Something that we will probably always remember him saying: I picked him up from school (he was in the first grade) and joked with him about having a girl friend. He denied my accusations. I asked him if he had ever been given a note from a girl, stating, “I love you, do you love me, circle yes or no”. He said, “Mama, there is not one kid in my class that knows how to spell the word circle.” Something he said that we still say on occasion: He called oatmeal “moatmoy” (pronounce moat like boat and moy like boy). He has always been content. He has had some unique interests: fencing and flying remote control helicopters. He takes after his dad, as far as being able to work with his hands. He can fix most anything. He also had one automobile accident. He currently attends a local junior college and lives at home. He has a part time job at an office supply store. He hardly ever leaves our house without telling me he loves me. In seven months, he will turn twenty. It seems that nineteen has been a turbulent year for both of my children. I always thought that by this time all the raging hormones would had settled down, but it has proven to be not such a great year for either of them. He has dealt with issues this past year that he has never had to deal with before, but I feel confident he will be able to work through them. He is a well-mannered and caring young man.

I know this blog entry is long. If you are still with me and have already guessed that my son was the easier of my two children to raise, then you are correct. This is the part where I feel like I should be laying on a couch. I doubt very seriously there is a single question you could ask me in regards to my parenting skills that I have not already asked myself over and over again.

1. Was I a good parent? Yes, I think so. My daughter has
assured me that I was.
2. Was I a perfect parent? No.
3. Was it my son’s personality that made him the easier of the
two to raise? Yes.
4. Did I love him more? No.
5. Could I have done a better job dealing with my daughter’s
discontentment and independence? Most definitely.
6. Do I have regrets? Yes.
7. Would I do some things differently if I could have another
chance? Most definitely.
8. Would it make a difference, as far as where my daughter is in
her life right now and with some of the decisions she has
made? I honestly do not know.
9. Would it change the way things are now if I knew the answer to
question number 8? No.
10.If I had everything in the world to do with where she is in her life right now, is it too late for her/ for us? Never.

My children are gifts from God. They were both fearfully and wonderfully made. I love them equally with all of my heart.

God, guide my daughter into truth. Make her alert to the lies of Satan and teach her how to resist him by faith. Give her the courage to be honest with herself and with You. Convict her of her sin and her need for You. Cause her to call out to You in her distress and confusion. Remove her heart of stone and replace it with a new, soft heart. Lead her to those who will point her to You. Cause her to be attracted to those who are attracted to You. Scatter like chaff in the wind those who continually try to bring her harm. Give her the courage to please You, and not others.

Produce in my son a humble spirit that is yielded to You. Teach him how to live in You, and show him that apart from You he can do nothing. Teach him to walk by faith. Help him to see beyond his circumstances and trust You with every part of his life. In this fast-paced world of instant gratification, place in him the perseverance he needs to succeed. Cause him to be still and wait patiently for You. Build a hedge around him to guard him physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Block his paths so that he cannot move towards activities and relationships that would harm him.

A BITTER SWEET TREAT

2009-09-05T06:43:00.001-05:00

Three scoops of ENCOURAGEMENT
Smothered in THANKFULNESS
Sprinkled with SADNESS
With a TEAR on top

I had a birthday! You could not have known because it was in April and I did not create this blog until June, but I wanted to share this with you. K came to see me on this day.

I saw them, again - the tears. For days I clung to the memory of the anguish on her face, the tears streaming down her cheeks, her lips quivering, but mainly the confessions from her heart.

“I am miserable. I hate everything about my life. I am trapped and do not know how to get out.”

ENCOURAGED - Conviction is good. Contentment in her case is not!

THANKFUL - She desires to get out of the pit of addiction she is in.

SAD - She does not know how!

TEARS - My heart aches for her.

She brought me a beautiful card. It read: Kind and Reassuring, Steady, and Enduring, Deep and Wise and Knowing, Warm and Easygoing, Generous and Sharing, A Mother’s Way of Caring, Wishing a Wonderful Mother A Wonderful Birthday!

She also brought me a scented candle, BUT

I DO NOT THINK SHE INTENDED ON GIVING ME SO MUCH MORE!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.

A FACE-LIFT

2009-09-04T10:02:00.002-05:00

I’M GETTING ONE!

YEAH, ME!

CAN’T WAIT!

CAN YOU TELL I AM EXCITED?

WELL, I AM!

Actually, I'M not REALLY getting a face-lift, although I could probably use one, but my blog is. YEAH BLOG! I think you need one worse than I do.

It is expected to be completed very shortly. I can’t wait to see the final results and then show it off to you. I am confident that it is going to be beautiful and worth the wait! Good things are just around the corner, so stay tuned.

LO-DEBAR

2009-09-03T10:49:00.000-05:00

2 Samuel 4:4 And Jonathan, Saul’s son, had a son that was lame of his feet…And his name was Mephibosheth.

The rest of the story:

Mephibosheth was five years old when his father, Jonathan; his uncles; and his grandfather, Saul, died on the battlefield. His nurse took him and fled, fearing for his life because he was the only male heir left to the throne after Saul‘s last surviving son, Ishbosheth, had been killed in his own home while sleeping. In the chaos and panic of the departure, Mephibosheth fell, causing him to be crippled for the rest of his life.

Years later, King David remembered his covenant with Jonathan to show him kindness and wanted the opportunity to fulfill it, so he began to inquire about any relatives that may still be living. He learned of Mephibosheth who was living in Lo-debar. David had him brought to Jerusalem and ordered that the family property be returned to him, as well as, arranged for him to eat at his royal table.

What happened between all those years, the years between being five and the time King David sought him out? What kind of person had Mephibosheth become?

We do not know too much other than the fact that he had at least one son, Micha. His injury at five years old had left him permanently crippled. The Bible says, “feet”, so obviously he was crippled in both feet, although we do not know the severity of it. It is mentioned over and over again, so it was significant. We are told that he fell on his face before David, but he could have been sitting when he fell on his face, so we do not know for certain if he was able to walk on his own or not. We know that he was living in the house of Machir. Machir means “sold”, so it is possible that earlier on he had been sold into slavery. He was taken from his home, forced to live all those years in a strange land. It was not his home. These were not his people. It does appear; however, that he knew he was from a royal family because he never questioned David‘s proposal. So, what kept him from returning home on his own free will after he grew up to rightfully claim what was his? Was it his inability to walk or travel? Maybe he knew there was no one to go home to. Was he comfortable in Lo-debar? Did he feel safe and secure there?

When confronted by King David, here was Mephibosheth’s response: He fell on his face and did reverence. He answered, Behold thy servant! And he bowed himself, and said, What is thy servant, that thou shouldest look upon such a dead dog as I am?

Based on this alone, we can make some assumptions about his character: He felt unworthy to fellowship with the King. He was humble. He showed respect and reverence.

Later on in the book of Samuel we see more of his character revealed after being tricked and deceived by his servant, Ziba. This story shows the true heart of Mephibosheth. He was loyal. He was honest. He was generous. He was faithful. He loved David and was grateful for all he had done for him.

I did not read this story without having thoughts of my daughter. I shared with you in a previous blog a portion of her journal entry where she had asked God for and received assurance of her salvation. Like Mephibosheth, she is a child of the King, but has become crippled (in her walk with Him). She feels unworthy to sit and eat from His table so she hides out in her very own Lo-debar where she feels comfortable, accepted, and safe. She will always be a member of the royal family and no matter where she goes and what she does she will never be able to hide from it.

My prayer is this: That just as Mephibosheth did when David sought him, found him, and brought him back to where he belonged, that she, too, will respond when God seeks her to bring her home and she will be eager to go. She will be loyal, honest, and humble. Again just like Mephibosheth, there will be years lost, but most importantly she will finally be back home where she belongs, enjoying the “riches” she deserves and the fellowship with those she loves and from those who love her back.

There is no question as to whether or not God will ever prompt her to leave Lo-debar. I believe He already has.

The questions that forever remain on my mind is: WHEN WILL SHE? WILL SHE?

TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHY

2009-09-01T12:51:00.003-05:00

Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23

I read this passage of scripture and then looked it up in my commentary. Here is what it had to say: The heart is first. It speaks of the inner life, the mind, the thoughts, the motives, the desires. The mind is the fountain from which the actions spring. If the fountain is pure, the stream that flows from it will be pure." ("Believer's Bible Commentary" by William MacDonald)

In other words, everything we do, say, think, and desire comes from the heart. It is what is in our hearts that define who we are. That is why it so important for us to carefully and constantly keep it pure.

I know we live in a world where there are many dangerous and damaging influences that are virtually impossible to shield our children from. We try. I tried. There were mistakes made. There were major bumps in the road. But when I look back at the big picture, I feel secure in knowing that I made it a priority to guide my daughter in a direction where she could pick up those pure thoughts, desires, actions, etc. and place them in her heart.

I believe she did, so that is why I have to ask these questions:

First to myself: Could I have possibly done more? Did I do everything humanly possible to prevent my daughter from choosing this path she is walking?

And then to her: Why did you not keep your heart with all diligence?

THE DAM BROKE

2009-08-26T11:42:00.001-05:00

Sometimes my heart fills with emotions such as grief, sorrow, joy, or gratitude; the dam breaks; and my tears are the overflow.

This morning I was….

-AT HIS FEET

-ON MY KNEES

-BEFORE HIS THRONE

-BOWED IN HIS PRESENCE

-LOVING HIM

-DESIRING HIS COMFORT

-AMAZED THAT HE LOVES ME

-THANKFUL THAT HE DOES

-HUMBLED THAT HE CARES

-THANKFUL THAT HE DOES

-LONGING TO TOUCH HIS FACE

-SORRY THAT HE SUFFERED

-UNDERSTANDING WHY HE DID

-CONCERNED FOR THOSE WHO DO NOT KNOW HIM

....as I drove to work. My heart spilled over with love,the dam broke, and the tears flowed.

0% COMMENTS = 100% HUMILITY

2009-08-25T16:29:00.005-05:00

I told myself I was not going to blog about, "Julie & Julia". I have read many posts dedicated to this movie, and while I enjoyed each and every one of them, I decided that is was an exhausted topic and what more could I possibly add? BUT, for some reason I have not been able to get one part of it off my mind. So, here is a "Never-say-never":

My husband and I saw the movie two weeks ago and we both liked it very much, not to say we LOVED it! Julie had a mission and was determined to see it through. It was almost exhausting watching her as she worked at her full time job, worked on her seemingly impossible "mission" every single day, and then blogged about it every single night, she had to find time to grocery shop daily, clean up her mess nightly, not to mention she had a husband, apartment, and a cat to take care of, and she entertained frequently. Whew!

At the beginning of her blogging journey she was very much aware that no one was commenting on her posts. She even, at one point, accepted the fact that no one else in the whole world would probably ever know or care about it or what it was she was trying to accomplish. But, she kept on, knowing that if no other soul ever found out, it would be ok, because after all, this was something she was doing for herself. This was the part of the movie when I felt like a spotlight had landed directly above my head for everyone in the entire movie theater to see just how much I could relate to what she was feeling. From a human standpoint, I guess we all want proof that someone out there cares or is interested in what we are trying to accomplish.

In my prayer time this morning, I asked God to allow me to continually be mindful that He will direct the path of this blog. I asked for His protection on it, for the eyes of those who read it, and for the hearts of those who may be touched by it. I truly believe He has orchestrated every moment so far: from the passion He gave me to create it, to the idea for the title (which, by the way, I still have not shared, but promise to do so in the future), to the words that feel like they are going to burst out of my head until I can get them posted. Like Julie, I know in my heart this is something I need to do. It may be meant for me and me alone, for my daughter in the future, for no one else. I do not know, but I am certain of this one thing: God has a plan, and I want to be a part of it.

Presently, at 0% comments, I will practice 100% humility!

DEFINING MOMENTS

2009-08-24T19:37:00.015-05:00

GRIEF: Intense mental anguish; deep remorse; acute sorrow

ME, AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS JOURNEY : Grief stricken

An aunt died this past June. I attended her funeral and watched her children, grandchildren, sibling, etc. grieve. Without a doubt their feelings were intense, deep, and acute, with only time to help them subside. They will always remember her, they will always miss her, and they will always cling to the hope of seeing her again.

At the beginning of my journey and for a very long time afterward, I was grief stricken. It was an eruption that was more apparent and lasted longer than any other feeling or emotion I had ever experienced. I felt the intense mental anguish, the deep remorse, and the acute sorrow and could not understand why. I knew it had to match the feelings of loosing a child to death, but I had not, so why? Why was I grief stricken?

It all made sense to me when I finally learned why, and that my feelings were perfectly normal. In a way, I had lost something. I had lost an entire lifetime of longings, desires, and dreams that only a mother could have for her daughter. And now they lay before me folded like a piece of paper jammed in a copy machine, accordion-like!

In time, thankfully, my feelings of grief became less and less intense, deep, and acute, but as far as my longings, desires and dreams for her: They will always be remembered, they will always be missed, and they will always be hoped for.

PEACE: A calm and quite state

ME, AT THE PRESENT TIME: Peaceful

There are people in our lives that we chose not to share our situation with and they never saw me grieve. There are those who knew, but never saw me grieve. There are actually only a very few who ever saw and truly felt my pain. It occurred to me one day that if those who never saw me grieve learned of the situation right now, they may possibly mistake the peace in my life for acceptance.

The journey between grief stricken and peacefulness has been long and turbulent, and I no longer have an acceptance of the situation than on day one. God has given me an unexplainable calm and quite state that I did not understand in the beginning. I felt guilty for not crying, for not feeling stirred, or for feeling nothing at all. From time to time, the grief resurfaces. Thankfully it does not stay around long, but I have learned to accept it as a time to step up my prayers for my daughter. It is during these times that I feel vulnerable and closer to God as He comforts me through it.

I have also come to accept that it is during the calm and quite times that God is carrying my load and I am reminded once again that His yoke is easy and His burden light.

ROUND TWO

2009-08-22T09:29:00.003-05:00

And it came to pass:

-The period of rebellion
-The doubts and fears she experienced about her salvation
-Completion of high school and a huge celebration with family
and friends
-A graduation gift: something she wanted and had dreamed of
for several years: minor cosmetic surgery
-College enrollment
-The first time to drive her new car
-Acquiring her first part time job

I settled into a front row seat, excited about everything good and wonderful that lay ahead of her, not wanting to miss seeing one moment of it.

And then things went terribly wrong, and I went numb.

AGAIN!

She became distant. She removed herself from us physically, as well as, emotionally. She became moody, argumentative, and despondent. Her entire personality changed.

AGAIN!

In a previous post, I stated that I experienced shock, not once but twice, but I am not so sure I can describe the feelings this time around as shock. I think they were more on the lines of disbelief, a denial of sense. This cannot be happening!

AGAIN!

I tried to tell myself that it was all nonsense. I thought I could fix it, and somehow make it all go away, one way or the other. I tried to retrace my steps, by taking her to counseling, but to no avail. This time she had a nineteen year old heart and a nineteen year old mind to “follow the crowd” and not a thirteen year old one, making it tremendously more complicated and difficult. I remember feeling defeated, not sure I had the endurance or strength to do it all.

AGAIN!

I knew I could no longer be a spectator in her life, but a participant, trying to figure out how to save my daughter

ONCE AGAIN!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

2009-08-18T05:00:00.003-05:00

Dear B,

30 years and 30 memories or milestones later…some are huge, some are tiny, some made us cry, some laugh, some both! But, the one thing they all have in common is that each and every one of these events and so, so many more have defined our lives together, and have helped to make us who we are today.

1. August 18, 1979
2. Disney World Honeymoon and Freddie BoomBoom
3. Fairchild Drive
4. The lack of parking spaces at USM
5. Geology/Switzerland
6. A spinal cord tumor
7. Two hobos at Halloween
8. The Sight Seer Trip from you know where
9. Moving out of Pine Haven - 5 years after moving in
10. S 19th Avenue
11. Sunset Drive
12. A baby girl
13. A baby boy
14. The years worshiping at BBC
15. Their baptismal
16. The Cox family
17. George Street and building a house
18. Thirty Christmases
19. Piano recitals , baseball games
20. Elaine
21. Your dad
22. Katrina
23. Niagara Falls
24. Alco
25. A new job
26. Chloe
27. LRRBC
28. Our journey with our daughter
29. Our journey with your mom
30. A new quest: seeking God for a new church, possibly a new address, and direction for the next 30!

I LOVE YOU! L

Dear God,

Thank you for him, for the past thirty years, and for the security of his love and devotion. God, we have had our share of “mountain tops“, as well as, “valleys“, but you have never left us and have always made us better because of them. We look to you and trust you to carry us through the journey we are currently on with our precious daughter. Thank you for allowing us to feel your pain, the pain you feel when one of your children has left the security of your arms. Bring her back home to us and to the security of your arms.

God we have watched you close and open many doors. Carry us through the next years of our lives together as we seek your guidance and your will. We will be careful to try not to blow through the opened doors, not taking the time to see you standing there holding them open for us, or plow through the closed ones wanting our way and not yours. You have blessed our lives in ways that we never deserved. I love you, L

KEEPING IT “REAL”

2009-08-17T15:48:00.017-05:00

Thankfully, there are people who have everything in their own lives in check, so much so, that they are able to keep the rest of us abreast as to what is going on in ours. Why, just last night I encountered such a person as this.

Here is what I THOUGHT I knew:

1. My husband lost his job of 25 years due to corporate restructuring throughout the company.
2. He took a job in the New Orleans area.
3. He wanted to keep and maintain our home in Mississippi (at least for now) while he travels back and forth.
4. We spend weekends in New Orleans on occasion just because we enjoy it and have a place to stay.
5. The direction my daughter has taken in her life. (keeping in mind that we have muddled through it for the past two years)
6. The picture I carried in my Bible for a little while was the one of my great niece.
7. The reasons we left our church home. (They were strictly between my husband and I, but was never based on anything we or a family member ever did. It was a personal decision and we felt it in the best interest of our spiritual well being to leave.)

Here is what I NOW know:

1. My daughter had a baby.
2. This baby is a well-kept secret.
3. My husband and I are in New Orleans with this baby, hiding it’s existence from all those we love and who would love it.
4. The picture that I carried, the one that was seen by this person, is a picture of this precious grand baby.
5. I never showed it to anyone. So, if you happened to see it, it was truly by accident.
6. The job here is a cover-up.
7. We left our church before the scandal was uncovered.

I KID YOU NOT!

But, this is only part of the story. The “all-knowing” individual shared her information with a very close family member. After getting the shock affect desired, she then apologized with this, “I just assumed you knew.” First of all, the “informed” family member is physically ill, as well as, suffering from dementia. We are VERY cautious about what WE share. Secondly, why tell someone something if you think they already know it? Thirdly, why not keep your mouth shut unless you are 100 percent sure that what is coming out of it is truth.

Am I angry? The knowledge this one thinks she possesses is so ridiculous, it made me laugh, and is as far from the truth as just about anything I have heard lately. No, not angry, just amazed and full of pity for someone who while actually destroying their own testimony, thinks they are destroying someone else’s.

INSECTARIUM

2009-08-16T15:42:00.009-05:00

Spent the day with my mother yesterday in New Orleans, celebrating her birthday. Ate, shopped, went to the French Market, Jackson Square, and the INSECTARIUM. It is worth checking out if you are ever in the area. Guess which insects were my favorite?

A THREE YEAR ANNIVERSARY

2009-08-12T20:09:00.013-05:00

In this post I want to share a segment from a journal entry that my daughter wrote in 2006. Yesterday as I was reading over her words and doubting whether or not I should publicize them because after all they are private, and also knowing she may not approve, I happened to look at the date: 8/11/2006. (exactly three years ago) I accepted this as confirmation, so here goes:

“I just started praying. Last night I poured out my heart and cried out to God. I told him to get Satan out of my head! That I did not want to deal w/Satan and his confusion. I told God about my thoughts, (of dying and standing before Christ and Him saying, “Depart from me, I never knew you”, and eternity would begin and there would be absolutely nothing I could do.) He already knew my thoughts, but I told Him anyway. I told Him that I wanted peace in my heart, that I knew I sinned everyday and that I believed He died on the cross and rose again to save me from my sins and that I wanted a real relationship with Him. I asked God for peace. I never wanted to fear or doubt my salvation again. During my prayer a calm came over me. I cannot explain it and I NEVER want to forget it. It was a miracle. It was the Holy Spirit. I know, know, know that when I die I will spend eternity with God. He knows me! He loves me!

I asked God to not let me have doubting thoughts, about my salvation, or even of His existence ever again. I have never experienced this kind of peace, and I never want it to leave. I thought I was saved before and I don’t want to try and explain it or figure it out, I just have the peace of knowing that when I die that I will go to heaven. I know God heard me last night. I got serious with Him and I did not feel like my words were bouncing off the ceiling. It was real and I cannot explain it other than a miracle from God.”

As she sat across from me on the love seat in our family room, she poured her heart out about what she had experienced. She cried tears of joy and relief. She had feelings of peace and security that had wrapped their arms around her and she was "resting". Her journal writings are a testament to this.

"Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

I listened. I cried. I knew that as wonderful as her feelings were and as much as she would like to hold on to them forever, the truth is their luster would fade and I felt a "motherly" duty. I wanted her to bask in the moment, but to also be prepared. "K, Satan will more than likely come at you once again loaded with darts of doubts, fears, and insecurities. Do not let him get the victory. Please never forget what happened to you last night. Your peace and security will not always come in the form of feelings, but will always come in the form of remembrance. They will come from remembering what God did for you last night. Please remember."

SURELY SHE WILL REMEMBER

SORTING (SORT OF)

2009-08-11T22:16:00.008-05:00

I want to use this entry to sort out something that I am struggling with. I hope to get it out of my head and onto these pages, pray over it, and allow God to make it clear to me as to which direction I need to take.

Up to this point, I have not revealed the path that my daughter has chosen for her life, and I NEVER intended to do so. Now I am struggling as to whether or not I should. Why? Is it something I think I need to do, but God does not, or is it something that God is trying to lead me into and I am fighting against? I do not know.

Why did I chose not to reveal this information in the first place?

1. This is for and about me, my struggles and not hers, my journey and not hers.
2. There are family members that do not know everything, elderly parents who could not cope. The fear of them seeing this blog (although it is highly unlikely) grips me.
3. My dream is that one day her children, my grandchildren, will have the opportunity to read what I have written. They will ask their mother what this is all about, and she can simply say, “It’s about a mother’s love!” and they will never have to know anything else.

Why do I think I need to, now?

1. One of the main reasons I started this blog was to reach out to other mother’s who may be on the same journey with their daughters (or even sons). Can I do this without them knowing what exactly it is that she struggles with?
2. Over a year ago I read the testimony of a young girl who was where my daughter is right now. She has a beautiful story of how God rescued her and she shares it with others. I carried her article in my Bible for months. It became my symbol of hope. And then God surprised me with an opportunity to meet her. My husband and I attended a conference in Clinton, MS last year and she was there. We did not know that she was going to be one of the speakers. She was listed on the itinerary that we received as one of the speakers for the Pastor and Youth Minister conference held on the Friday before we went on Saturday. She was not listed to speak on Saturday. I have contacted her via e-mail and she has offered to share my blog within the community that she ministers to. Is it fair that I have asked her to do this while not disclosing the information in question?

And just as I knew He would, God gave me the answer before I could even finish typing the last paragraph:

Lynn, what are the most important reasons you have for writing? Have you not already said it is to:

1. Glorify Me - I already know the nature of the sin, you do not have to publicize it to share Me with others.

2. Help others - You can help mothers who are struggling with all prodigal children. Allow your daughter to share her own story one day. She can help others with hers. You can help them with yours.

3. Benefit yourself - You ARE benefiting.

4. Leave her a legacy - Allow this to be something that she will be proud of one day, and not ashamed to show her children or anyone else. I have erased her sin and it doesn’t need to be spelled out as a reminder. Your love is all she needs to be reminded of.

I SHALL move on!

NOT ONCE, BUT TWICE!

2009-08-10T21:12:00.010-05:00

Shock - to disturb the mind or emotions of; affect with great surprise; distress; disgust

Eight years ago, my mind and my emotions were disturbed, I was affected with great surprise, and I was distressed and disgusted.

They were all there, the classic warning signs. You know the ones the experts tell you about: mood swings; too much time alone in her room; disconnecting with the rest of the family, the wrong friends. For months the changes were subtle and then things began spiraling out of control very, very quickly.

A family moved to our church who had a daughter the same age as our daughter. They became friends fairly quickly. Not long into the friendship, K began expressing the desire to go to public school. (We were home schooling at the time.) Knowing her friend had painted her a glamorous picture of all the fun and freedom she was missing out on, we tried to convince her otherwise. We also reaffirmed our confidence in the fact that our conviction to keep her out of the public school system and to home school was God led, but none of that mattered. Soon her personality became foreign to us and out of character for her, unlike anything we had ever seen. This child of ours could not have willingly been capable of this kind of behavior. It had to be hormonal.

At first, my husband and I thought it would pass, but as she became relentless with her pleading and begging, we finally decided to give her the option of going to a Christian school. This was not what she wanted. She bounced back and forth from a state of total and complete defiance, being argumentative, to a state of depression, where she refused on some days to get out of bed. Her behavior was reckless and we felt that our giving in to her and allowing her to go to school was not an option. In other words, it was complex, not as simple as just giving in. We were in a show down. Here was our child, who had always been just as beautiful inwardly as she was outwardly, at the age of thirteen, no longer lovable, no longer discipline (able), and no longer direct (able), no longer reachable or reasonable. We needed help.

I cannot fill in the gaps of all that happened during this two and half year journey, but it was a distressful, scary, and very disturbing time in our lives. We tried several avenues to get help and finally found a Christian counselor who was able to make a breakthrough. There were many acts of defiance that caused us much grief, shame, and shock. Some of them were not even made known to us until after she opened up with the help of the counselor.

Skipping to the end of the story, we took some necessary measures to help her sever relationships, as well as, enrolled her in a Christian school. She was sincerely remorseful for this time of rebellion in her life, and later wrote a beautiful essay for her writing class on peer pressure. It was a tremendous part of the healing process for all of us.

Here is a copy of her New Year’s resolutions written at the end of the same year:

1. Tell people I love that I love them every day.
2. Work harder at everything.
3. Be nicer to __________ (her brother).
4. Do something nice for someone every day.
5. Clean my room.
“This is going to be a good year…”

And it was. For three years and three months it was good.

TODAY I FELT IT

2009-08-09T21:11:00.003-05:00

I felt the pain. I grieved for her. I recall the exact moment this morning when the Holy Spirit prompted me to contact her and invite her to come with us to the evening church service that we too had been invited to. I did not understand the urgency, but He did.

K, I wish you could have heard Him. You would have felt it too. He would have whispered in your ears and told you how special you are, and how much He wants you to flee the lusts, to follow righteousness, and to be accountable to other Christians. I am truly sorry you missed this opportunity to feel the power of his love and to feel reassured. He could have told you how much He misses you and how much He desires for you to come home. As I type right now, I am heartbroken over what you missed tonight. You missed the opportunity to see, feel, and hear God.

Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart. 2 Timothy 2:22

THE BUZZARD-THE BAT-THE BUMBLEBEE-AND ME

2009-08-06T08:46:00.002-05:00

Last night I tried to sort through approximately 8 years of notes, calendars, letters, etc. so that I could be clear on the time line of events, as well as, recall some of my thoughts and feelings throughout this journey with my daughter. I stumbled across something I must have copied from the internet. It was dated July 21, 2008.

If you put a BUZZARD in a pen that is 6 feet by 8 feet and is entirely open at the top, the bird, in spite of its ability to fly, will be an absolute prisoner. The reason is that a buzzard always begins a flight from the ground with a run of 10 to 12 feet. Without space to run, as is its habit, it will not even attempt to fly, but will remain a prisoner for life in a small jail with no top.

The ordinary BAT that flies around at night, a remarkable nimble creature in the air, cannot take off from a level place. If it is placed on the floor or flat ground, all it can do is shuffle about helplessly and, no doubt, painfully, until it reaches some slight elevation from which it can throw itself in the air. Then, at once, it takes off like a flash.

A BUMBLEBEE, if dropped into an open tumbler, will be there until it dies, unless it is taken out. It never sees the means of escape at the top, but persists in trying to find some way out through the sides near the bottom. It will seek a way where none exists, until it completely destroys itself.

In many ways, WE are like the buzzard, the bat, and the bumblebee. We struggle about with all our problems and frustrations, never realizing that all we have to do is look up!

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth. Psalms 121:1-2

A WAGON, FULLY LOADED

2009-08-05T08:15:00.004-05:00

I love organization. I love feeling settled and grounded when everything around me is neat, clean, and orderly. It just seems to make life easier. I am really not OCD with it, well, I don’t think I am anyway, because all too often I am not so neat, clean, and organized. Although, I definitely prefer it over all things cluttered and messy.

On my journey with a prodigal daughter, I have not been in control of the arranging or rearranging of the contents of my wagon. They get bounced and jolted around and I cannot sort, move, or discard them. What is on the top today, out in full view may get sifted to the bottom tomorrow, not necessarily gone, just temporarily unexposed. They are not neatly stacked, labeled, or alphabetized.

There have been days when I have wanted nothing more than to take my overloaded wagon full of unwantedness and slam it into a wall. But then realize that I would be hitched (or yoked) to an overloaded, unwanted, and now broken down wagon with its contents completely exposed and scattered out in full view. And, sometimes containment is good.

I mentioned recently that we took our niece to the Audubon Zoo in New Orleans. Would we have walked through with its lions, bears, elephants, rhinos, snakes, etc. running loose? I don’t think so. Our visit was fun because we enjoyed seeing the animals at a distance with something (a plate of glass or a steel bar) between us and them. Yea, containment was good.

Never once did God overwhelm me by allowing me to peek in and view the contents of my wagon all at once. He knew the exact time to expose them to me and He stayed with me to guide me through the process. I have grabbed each stage of this journey, one by one and spent time with it, cried over it, sorted through it, accepted it, and then moved on.

Some days the traffic gets backed up and I stand still or just inch along. Sometimes I take the wrong turn and revert back. Sometimes I get lost and drive around aimlessly, in circles. In other words some days and weeks I seem to go nowhere, even backwards, but all in all (when I look at the big picture) my journey has evolved. I have seen many mile markers and felt many bumps in the road, and as my heart spills out, it should be a testament to this. In future blogs, I want to go into a little more depth about where I started on this journey and where I am now. It has been a cycle. It has been a challenge. And for the past couple of years, it has been my life. This has been my life:

1. The Initial Shock
2. Denial (Trying to Fix It)
3. Grief
4. Trying To Understand the Hows and Whys
5. Taking Inventory
6. Learning to Love Her “In Spite Of”
7. Healing

A SLIGHT MISCALCULATION

2009-07-30T13:15:00.003-05:00

I am in the process of putting together a new compact home office and have made several trips lately to our local Walmart, especially to the office/school supplies aisle. And, because the new school year is almost here, this aisle is very popular right now, buzzing with parents and children with their lists in hand, stocking up on brand new school supplies.

I witnessed two separate incidences this week. They both gave me something to think about, something to smile about, and most importantly something to blog about.

As I rounded the corner and entered the aisle during one of my trips, I saw a lady standing in front of the calculators looking a bit dazed and confused. She seemed relieved to see another person and wasted no time in asking me for my help. I glanced down at my shirt to see if it was blue, thinking maybe she mistook me for an employee, but then quickly realized that she was desperate and didn’t care whether I was employee or not. She held two things in her hands: the LIST and a calculator. She told me she needed a five function calculator and asked me if I thought the one she had chosen would be ok. Glancing at her choice, I seriously doubted it so I asked her what kind of math her child would be taking, and she told me pre-algebra. Most of the packaging was labeled so I pointed out several for her to choose from. ( I feel certain she could have figured this out on her own, but remember, by the time I got to her she was dazed and confused.) I even got one down and handed it to her. She was very appreciative and thanked me for my help. As she replaced the calculator on the hanger, she looked at me and said, “I will have to wait until payday before I can make this purchase.”

The next incident just made me smile! This time I was walking out of the aisle and away from all calculators big and small. A man was helping what appeared to be his pre-teen daughter to decide which one she needed. I could tell (can‘t really explain why, but just knew) that he was trying very hard to impress her with his “calculator knowledge.” “Ok, it adds, that’s good”, he said as he held it close to his face and studied it. “Yes, and I see it subtracts, so that’s good too”. Trust me when I tell you he was not trying to be cute or funny. Seriously!

When my husband was in college (many, many moons ago) he needed to purchase a scientific calculator. I think I remember taking out a loan. Then just a few short years ago, my son and daughter also needed one of those fancy, smancy ones for high school. You know how you just KNOW when you go to purchase something and the product you need is chained down or locked up that it‘s not going to be cheap? Yea, well, it took a store manager, a key, and a serious chunk out of my bank account to purchase both of their calculators!

So, my recent calculator related incidences have left this inquiring mind wanting to know something. With technology advancing faster than the speed of sound, and knowing that the same t.v. and computer you could buy today would be smaller, faster, better, and cheaper before you could ever get it carted out of the store, hauled home, and installed, why for crying out loud are calculators still so expensive? I mean I know they can do practically everything except talk , but dadgummit even a computer and t.v. can do that, as well as, add, subtract, divide and multiply.

GO FIGURE!!

“Attention WalMart shoppers: A calculator purchasing seminar will take place in just ten minutes in the conference room. Our team of well qualified associates will be there to help walk you through the process of purchasing your new calculator, as well as, to answer any questions you may have. Financial aid will also be available. Hope you enjoy your day and thank you again for shopping your friendly Walmart store.”

THANKFUL

2009-07-28T15:52:00.000-05:00

Sunday morning, the pastor’s message was centered on Jesus feeding the multitudes, the story found in the book of Mark. It was a thought provoking message and he concluded the service by giving us 3 challenges for the week:

-To spend time alone with God
-To look for Him every day
-And to not worry or fret over the things we have yet to obtain

I later studied the scriptures further and found that in Mark chapter 6 where Jesus feeds the five thousand, the disciples wanted to go shopping. “Shall we go and buy two hundred pennyworth of bread, and give them to eat?” (Mark 6: 37b) In Mark chapter 8 where Jesus feeds the four thousand, the disciples once again question whether or not either the bread itself or the amount available would be enough to satisfy. “From whence (where) can a man satisfy these men with bread here in the wilderness?” (Mark 8:4) In both incidences, the disciples did not grasp what Jesus could do. (Not to mention that they obviously did not learn a lesson the first time around) There was THE PROVIDER standing in their presence, and still they could not see that what they already had was sufficient. They wanted more.

I realize just how many times I mimic the disciples’ behavior by focusing on what I do not have rather than on what I already have, not trusting God to satisfy and provide. It prompted me to take an inventory of the many ways that God has blessed me; reasons to be both thankful and satisfied. Here are just a few:

1. Driving to work today, I did not start out as I usually do by listening to my favorite Christian radio station. The CD that I had inserted the day before began playing. As soon as I had driven about three quarters of a mile, I heard God speaking to me: “Lynn, turn the radio on. I want to sing to you this morning. You can listen to the CD another time.” I did and He did. I cried myself to work as He serenaded me with love songs. I am THANKFUL that he is a tender God and gives me personalized care.

2. My husband called shortly after I got to work and shared with me the opportunity that he was given to witness to an employee, an individual who has made many wrong decisions and mistakes in their life. My husband has a unique gift of compassion for the down-trodden (those who would be snubbed and ridiculed by most) and has proven it over and over again. This is one of the many reasons that I am proud of and THANKFUL for him.

3. I am THANKFUL for the roof over my head and that my husband is a hard worker and has a job to pay for the roof and everything under it. With the shape of the economy right now, I am grateful that my house note is affordable and the threat of foreclosure is not looming over me every month.

4. I read a blog today. It was created by two parents for the sole purpose of updating family; friends; and anyone who would pray with them on the condition of their precious little girl. It also became an avenue to ask for specific prayer requests. There are hospitals all over the place filled with very sick children just like theirs who have lost their innocence and have been forced to learn about grown up things too quickly with little time or energy left to laugh, dream, play, plan, or imagine; as well as, distraught parents who feel helpless and afraid. I AM truly THANKFUL that my children were blessed with a healthy childhood.

5. There are also many homes filled with single parents doing the best they can to provided financially for their family while trying to be both mom and dad, and unlike my husband and myself, my children did not have to endure the divorcing of parents, and everything that goes along with it - before, during and after. And for this I am also THANKFUL.

6. I am THANKFUL; however, for my step parents. They have become an elaborate part of my life.

7. I am THANKFUL for everyone, including my parents and step-parents for comforting, encouraging, and lifting me up during this journey with my daughter. I would not have wanted to travel this road alone. I never feel alone.

8. At the beginning of this journey, I wanted to run and hide from it all. I am THANKFUL I did not dig the hole I wanted to dig, crawl in it, and cover myself up with sorrow, anger, bitterness, denial, embarrassment, and so much more that would have buried me and robbed me of the chance to see God face to face.

9. I am THANKFUL that He will be victorious and the victory Satan is enjoying through the destruction and chaos of another life is so very temporary.

10. And on a lighter note, I am THANKFUL for many simple things in my life. Here are some of the things I love: Antiques; coffee; pralines; autumn weather; weekends in New Orleans; T.J. Maxx; Whole Foods Supermarket (especially the pastry department, especially the pastry department when Steven Segall is standing in it);blogging; lavender scented soap; Christian fiction romance and mystery novels; contemporary Christian music; old movies; eating out; the Smokey Mountains and Dolly Parton's rags to riches story; chocolate; candles; amusement parks; Christmas; my ornament collection; giving an unexpected gift throughout the year (to my children especially); receiving unexpected gifts; a good and simple recipe; blue and white porcelain; purses; the silly nicknames we have for our pets; a storm (when I do not have to be out in it); re-arranging furniture and re-decorating; vacations; romantic comedies; and finally realizing that there are way too many things that I love and that make me happy to be able to list them all.

What are some things you have to be THANKFUL for?

WHEN THE RAIN COMES TUMBLING DOWN

2009-07-26T16:51:00.000-05:00

While riding around in the New Orleans and Metairie area, my husband and I have observed the many houses that are still under reconstruction. Many home owners are having their foundations raised or reinforced. Some of these folks have not yet recovered from Hurricane Katrina and others are preparing for the future. I can assure you they are in hopes that they never see another “Katrina” in their lifetime, but since we are not in control of these things, they are wisely planning ahead. They know that regardless of anything they could do structurally, it is ultimately the foundation that will help insure that their homes will survive another hurricane or flood of that nature.

My children grew up singing the little song about the wise man who built his house upon the rock and when the rains came tumbling down his house stood firm, but when the foolish man built his house upon the sand and the rains came tumbling down, his house went, “SPLAT”! I can still picture them singing this in church and doing the hand signals that went along with it. I wonder if I could get them to sing it again for old times sake? PROBABLY NOT!!

Approximately eighteen years ago (wow, just as I typed that I can’t believe it has been that long), we had a couple come to our church who had children about the same age as ours: three and an infant. Their stay was temporary and too short as far as we were concerned. The dad was working on his doctorate degree in music and they were obligated to return to Bob Jones University in Greenville South Carolina. We quickly bonded with this family and treasured the three years that they were here.

They loved God and it showed in every aspect of their lives, including and especially in the raising of their children. As we watched and observed them, their parenting skills had a profound affect and influence on us. Here are just a few of the things we learned from this little family that God sent to us during three formidable years of our children‘s lives, things they left with us long after their return to South Carolina:

-The easiest part about raising children is loving them.
-One of the hardest parts is making them lovable to others.
-We love them before birth and just expect that others will
love them too, but this is not true.
-These parents insured that their children were loved and enjoyed by others.
-Bad behavior especially directed towards others was never
excusable or reinforced no matter the reason. They had
definite ideas about this and did not want their children to
grow up with the idea that it was ok to act or treat others
differently just because they were tired or not feeling well.
-Correction and discipline were consistent and done out of love and nothing more.
-They instilled in their children an unselfish attitude and directed them towards putting the needs of others first.

All of that said, to say this:

Thanks being to God who sent this family into our lives, my husband and I adopted these same values and ideas and strived to instill them into our children. It was important to us that they were loved by others. They grew up in Sunday school, learning about God and about His love. They knew He was a part of our lives everyday and not just reserved for Sunday worship. I like to think that for all the times we failed, we succeeded in so many more. I have no doubt that we were building a solid foundation for them so that when the storms of life came, the ones they would have no control over and the ones they would create for themselves because while using the free will God gave them they would choose wrongly, the foundation would be there, a place to go back to, a place to rebuild and start over. They would be able to dig out of the rubble around them and rebuild on the foundation that was laid for them so many years ago.

Whosever cometh to me, and heareth my sayings, and doeth them, I will show you to whom he is like: He is like a man which built an house, and digged deep, and laid the foundation on a rock: and when the flood arose, the stream beat vehemently upon that house, and could not shake it: for it was founded upon a rock. Luke 6: 47-48

So my hope for my son and daughter’s future is this:

THAT WHEN THE RAIN COMES TUMBLING DOWN,
AND BEGINS TO BEAT VEHEMENTLY UPON THEM,
AND THE FLOODS RISE, THEY CAN STAND FIRM
BECAUSE THEIR PARENTS LOVED THEM ENOUGH
TO HELP CONSTRUCT A STRONG FOUNDATION!

YOKED (Part 3)

2009-07-22T20:07:00.000-05:00

The Beth Moore Conference that I attended in April (the one I mentioned in my last blog entry) was my first. It was wonderful! She titled her message, “The Holiness of Wholeness”. The text she used was from I Thessalonians. She had a seven point outline: Seven ways to become whole. Point #2 was the role others have in our wholeness. We cannot become whole without other people in our lives, this is the way God made us. To shut down, clam up, isolate ourselves during challenging times removes us from accountability and from community. It causes apathy or lack of interest, encourages us to wallow in self pity or pride and robs others of being a help in times of need. We need a close “community” of faith. They are to be our encouragers. It will be OK with us when they tell us enough is enough, lift us up by our boot straps, and help us to get back on track. Beth referred to this as “getting in our business”. But, can they be our “yoke-mate”?

Here is what I have learned so far:

At the beginning of our journey, our yokes are strapped on, our wagons are loaded and we get to choose our yoke-mate. This is crucial because it will have an affect on how we handle the load, and how we deal with relationships along the way. It can possibly determine the outcome, but will definitely determine the shape we will be in at the end of our journey.

Sometimes we choose to carry our burdens alone. But the weight is too much for us. We experience spiritual, emotional, and physical weariness. It is just too heavy for us. We are tired, bent over, can’t see for the sweat dripping in our eyes, we stumble and fall taking others down with us, loose our way, become impatient, mindful of only the end or destination, become fearful, and doubt God’s presence in our lives. We tend to want to blame others or even God when things do not go the way we want them to. We can become angry, bitter, and full of self-pity. As Beth Moore paced the stage during the conference, she would on occasion ask us, “Am I wearing ya’ll slam out?” At the end of our journey, will we be a heaped up, tongue waging, wore slam out kind of tired? Or will we be boastful and full of self when things go the way we want them to and we haven‘t invited God on the journey?

On this journey, there will be curious onlookers: Those who will try to advise, judge (I wonder what they did to deserve this?), those who will laugh at or mock us because they get enjoyment in seeing others down (it is true, there are people who are like that), and then there are those who will just be glad it is you and not them.

Our spouses can be our greatest supporters, listeners, advisers, and prayer partners. They understand better than anyone because they are possibly on the same journey. But, can they be our yoke-mate?

We cannot carry our burdens alone.
We are not to let our “community” share the burden of our yoke.
We are not to allow our spouse to become our yoke-mate.

“Take my yoke…”
God wants to be one of the two.
He wants that privilege.
Why?

For Him, it is easy and light. He is gentle and meek. But, mainly because He wants to. He loves us that much.

My journey may be painful, unpleasant, and unwanted; but there has been unexplainable peace, joy, and contentment present in my life that is indescribable when I have allowed God to take the yoke. I have plowed full steam ahead feeling His presence along side me. It has been a time of growing, a time of closeness with my Father, a time of dependence, and an unbelievable opportunity to show Him to others.

Yoked together with God, the journey, as unpleasant as the circumstance may be, can be spectacular and the destination victorious. The End.

YOKED (Part 2)

2009-07-21T10:59:00.000-05:00

The first weekend in April of this year, I drove in New Orleans for the first time since my husband has been working there for the past two years. He had always driven everywhere we went and I never ventured out alone on the days he was at work.

A friend and I went to a Beth Moore Living Proof Conference held in the arena on the Friday night and Saturday morning of April 3 and 4. We left on Thursday morning to insure enough time to shop before the conference. We were afraid that all day long on Friday and the entire afternoon on Saturday would not be adequate time. We had to think really hard to map out this plan!

Carrie Underwood’s song, “Jesus Take the Wheel”, came to my mind several times throughout our three day jaunt. To say that I was a bundle of nerves driving through this city would be putting it mildly. There were many challenges that I am not accustomed to, such as the u-turns, the more than two lanes of traffic, the traffic, the exit-only ramps that lead you to no- mans land if you accidentally get stuck taking one of them. There are also many distractions: taxi cabs, trolley cars, horses, carriages, pedestrians….

The people who live and work there would like to run over people like me. And they nearly did, on one occasion anyway. They can put Indy race car drivers to shame with their speed and agility. Everyone is in a hurry. For them, point B is where it’s at. They are all over point B and will run over you getting there. Unfortunately, while they have become accustomed to the things I consider to be obstacles and distractions and can drive through them as if they were not there, they have also become accustomed to the things I consider to be worthy enough to slow down and look at. Because they live there and see them everyday, they take the old buildings and all the architecture, churches, restaurants, landscaping, schools, etc. for granted. For them it seems to be all about the destination, but what about the journey?

My daughter has and still is taking me on a journey that I do not want to be on, one that I never dreamed in a million years that I would ever be on. I have been harnessed. My wagon is loaded, actually over-loaded, now what? To be continued.