My daughter had a work related meeting this morning in one of the local hotel's conference rooms. When she left the meeting around 3:30, her car would not start. It is acutally my car. She is borrowing it. Long story! Possible future post!
She got a ride back to work with another employee. And on the way she called to tell me about the ordeal. It was around 4:30, so I told her that her dad was an hour away from home and that he would go check on it for her as soon as he got here.
When she got back to work, she began texting me. Here is our conversation:
HER: It needs a battery. Trust me. We stood there for an hour and tried to jump it off.
Pay close attention to the TRUST ME part. She claims to have not shut the door completely and the interior light stayed on all day.
ME: I will tell your dad. He should be here soon.
ME: (On the way to the broken down car) We are on our way to the car. What time do you get off? How can we work this out?
HER: I get off at 7:00 or 7:30. Can you bring it to me? I can take you and dad home or wherever you need me to.
ME: OK. Dad and I have a new blonde joke. I will explain later.
Blonde moment #1: She wanted to take us home! How did she think we got to her car!
ME: Is the car at the Holiday Inn or Holiday Express?
HER: Yes
Blonde moment #2!
ME: Did the engine turn over?
HER: It looked right side up to me.
Blonde moment #3 and the one I doubt we will ever let her forget.
I laughed until I cried.
And, by the way, the car was out of gas.
Never trust a blonde who tells you she knows what a car engine would look like upside down!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Friday, March 26, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
YEA, ME TOO!!
It's cold again here in South Mississippi! My only two flowers are not happy! They are lying down in protest.
It's ok. I feel the same way, but for me it has very little to do with the weather.
FYI:
- This conversation via text I am about to share is pretty intense.
- This conversation via text I am about to share is pretty intense.
-Also I feel the need to say that I tried several times to call her to have a real conversation. She would not answer.
-Refer to my previous post for an insight as to what this is all about.
-Refer to my previous post for an insight as to what this is all about.
Me: I have not heard from you = It must have not ended = A saddened heart = A mother who will never give up or stop praying.
Her: You do not know what is going on in my head and what I am stuck in. You KNOW what I want. I KNOW what I want = I don't know how to get it right now.
Me: I sense anger towards me. Not sure I deserve it. I am heartbroken over your situation. Wish I had all the answers to help you. It is easy for me to talk about what you should do. Did not mean to offend. Dad and I went into action Friday when you asked us to. Would like to have had communication. Still praying for you. I love you.
Her: You do not understand the situation I am in. You do not understand how badly I want out and to be happy because I am miserable. I feel trapped. Stuck. Scared. Sick. Sad. Depressed. Angry. So many different things and I am doing all I can. I just don't know what else to do. But I feel like if it is not the way you think it should be done or in your time you get upset and that adds to my frustration.
Me: This has nothing to do with me. I do not ask questions. I do not try to make you feel bad or guilty. I do not try to advise or help unless you ask and Friday night you asked. You cannot blame me for being exciting when you told me "it's for real this time". I just know that one day it WILL be for real. I do not know how or when, but Friday would have been fine with me. You were the one who made me think it just might be. I completely understand the meaning of feeling trapped. This is the way I feel for not being able to help you. I love you.
Her: It is for real...in my heart. Guess it just will not show until I take action. I cannot do everything right this second. I love you too.
Me: I have known for quite some time that is was "for real" in your head. There is not a single day that passes that I am not thankful for that. I am not exaggerating. It WILL work out. It will happen because you want it to, not because I want it to.
Her: Well it is still not good enough for you... nothing will ever be.
Her (again): I am sorry. I love you.
Me: I am sorry I have made you feel that way. I love you too.
Me (again): Let me go back and say that you will never know how sorry I am for every single time I have ever made you feel that way.
Her: It is ok.
Me: No, it is NOT ok.
Her: Just do not be sad for me!!! Be sad for me if I did not want out of this and understand that it is wrong!!
Me: Exactly what I was trying to say earlier: (I have known for quite some time that is was "for real" in your head. There is not a single day that passes that I am not thankful for that. I am not exaggerating. It WILL work out. It will happen because you want it to, not because I want it to.)
Once again I ask for prayers from everyone who reads this. The words my daughter uses to describe her situation: miserable, trapped, stuck, scared, sick, sad, depressed, and angry frighten me terribly. I truly believe she wants out. She does not know how to, hence all of these feelings. I fear one day it will be too late!!
When she was little, she would jump off the bed or couch trusting her dad to catch her. I want so badly for her to understand that this is all she has to do again. Jump and trust her Dad (her heavenly Father) to catch her. She has to be the one to decide when!! I thought she had made that leap on Friday evening.
Several times over the past year she has led me to believe she was about to take the plunge and every single time, I have "jumped" into action, praying and calling on others to pray. One day she will. Until she does, I will continue believing, hoping, loving, crying, and praying for this precious girl who deserves that and so much more!!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
IN THE BEGINNING
I received two phone calls yesterday. Well, actually one phone call and one text message. The call first:
THE END: Late afternoon my mother called to let me know that my step-uncle had passed away. My step-father has one sibling, a sister who lives in Gulfport, MS. James, her life-long mate has been battling Lou Gehrig's Disease for quite some time. He woke from a nap around noon and asked her if he was in heaven yet. She told him no. He closed his eyes and took two breaths and this time went to heaven. THE BEGINNING.
During the early evening, I received a text message from my daughter:
ANOTHER END: "It's over. Hit your knees and don't stop praying, this is for real."Guess where I went? Did you guess to the floor on my knees? If only one person reads this post, I ask you to please, please pray for a miracle. I have watched God work in her life for quite some time. I think she is ready to make this tremendous leap. Emotionally and spiritually she is ready, but there are some physical obstacles that she is struggling with. In my last post I referred to a message she put on her face book page about "little" miracles and how she was beginning to recognize them. I want her to see a BIG one, a HUGE one! She owns three dogs and a bird. She needs to leave where she is at and she needs a place of her own. Leaving is crucial!! She knows she can come home, but it would be a temporary arrangement. I am willing and she would do this as a last resort. She desires to go back to school, so she not only needs a place where she can have her pets, she also needs something affordable. This all sounds almost impossible, but I know God can do this for her. I want more than anything for Him to surprise her with a solution, one that I am totally detached from, one that she would know without a doubt could not have come from anywhere else but from Him. I KNOW He can. What a confirmation for her, what an encouragement this would be in the midst of her confusion and discouragement. ANOTHER BEGINNING!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
PRETEND LIKE…
I am lying on a couch. I am the patient and you are the therapist.
ME: Where do I start?
YOU: How about at the beginning.
ME: Ok. Well approximately 38 years ago…
YOU: Are you kidding?
ME: No. I wouldn’t do that.
My family moved to the area where we presently live. My dad had a business acquaintance here and he invited us to go to church with his family. We did and it soon became our church home as well. I was in my early teens. We had a great youth minister and I had many friends there, one in particular: Alice.
Alice was my best friend, at least I thought she was. At some point into our friendship, she played a cruel joke on me. I won’t go into the details but it involved a guy I had a crush on. It was all silly and that was what I blew it off as, certainly not anything I wanted to destroy our relationship over.
Later, we moved to another part of town. I was in the middle of the 8th grade and had to transfer to another school: her school. Obviously I was naive and had not “gotten it” through the joke she played on me because I was about to be in for a huge shock.
I still remember my excitement over seeing her, a familiar face, at this new school. I was lost, scared, and did not know a soul there. At first she pretended not to know me and then she began to make fun of me to her friends.
Are you writing this down? Because this could very well explain some of my current insecurities. Getting it out like this has to be good for the soul. Right?
She moved away shortly afterwards. And I completely lost contact with her.
I have thought about her from time to time over the years, but never had the desire to know where she was or to rekindle a friendship, especially after I figured out there was never truly a friendship to begin with.
Yesterday, after 35 years, she reappeared in my life via face book. Old feelings have resurfaced along with some new ones.
Here is what I remember (or at least think I remember) about Alice:
-- She was beautiful, and had a beautiful smile.
-- She was a year or maybe two older than me.
-- She could sing.
-- Her parents had her late in life. They were old when she was a teenager.
-- She was poor. (I don't know why I thought this, as if we were not)
-- We had some fun times together.
-- I thought she was my friend.
-- She hurt me.
Here is what I know about her now:
-- She is still beautiful. Same smile!
-- She has been married for 33 years.
-- Her parents died when she was in her early twenties.
-- She has two beautiful daughters.
-- She has two beautiful grandchildren. They call her Gigi. Well,at least one of them calls her Gigi.The little boy is only a few months old.
-- She lives in a very wealthy area in a town North of here in what appears to be a mansion overlooking a lake.
-- She has a successful career. By the looks of things, so does her husband.
-- She speaks well of her two sons-in-law.
-- She travels.
-- One daughter teaches school. I do not know what the other one does.
-- Based on what I have read: She is extremely intelligent. And has a close relationship with God.
We talked (typed) back and forth for a long time yesterday. The last words she typed to me were these: “I always thought you had a perfect family.”
Maybe I have unlocked a mystery: She was jealous of me! This would explain why she treated me the way she did. Just maybe this is true, but I really do not know for sure. However, I do know this for certain: Never in my life have I ever encountered someone who from all appearances has a seemingly flawless life, until yesterday. How ironic that I dealt with feelings of jealousy towards her if it is true that so many years ago she was jealous of me.
YOU: (Insert words of wisdom)
ME: Yea, I know, but you cannot tell me anything I have not already told myself over and over.
--“Things may not be exactly as they seem”
--“In all things give thanks”
--“I do now know the whole story. I know nothing about the in between years: 35 years worth”
--“In all things give thanks”
--“There will always be those who have more than I do and those who have less than I do”
--“In all things give thanks”
--“Be content with what God has given me"
--“In all things give thanks”
I’m not joking about the “in all things give thanks”. This kept “popping” in my head throughout the entire day.
So…this morning…for my Bible study, I went to Psalms 92:1. “It is a good thing to give thanks unto the Lord, and to sing praises unto thy name, O Most High.”
I spent time (too much time) yesterday comparing my life to Alice’s, realizing she would probably not be impressed in the least with my accomplishments, my house, my family, my job, my level of intelligence, or my relationship with Christ. This side-by-side comparison left me feeling pretty “ragged” all day long.
Not a pretty picture! And not something I am proud of!
YOU: (Insert more words of wisdom)
I know. I know. I know. Of all the things I listed above, the only one that should truly matter is my relationship with Christ. I get that. I really do. But remember why I started this blog to begin with? Here is where I struggle:
Most of our family and friends who are our age have sons-in-law and daughters-in-law and grandchildren. They are excited and are looking forward to spending their “golden years” enjoying these children. It’s not so much that I want grandchildren right now. But what I do want is to NOT have to spend my “golden years” hoping that I am here long enough to see my children living a life free from the bad decisions they have made, decisions that could possibly haunt them for the rest of their lives unless they can let go and give them completely over to God!!
Why? Why me? I know these are dangerous questions, and a dangerous place for me to allow myself to go to, but sometimes I can’t help myself and all I want to do is curl up in a ball!!!
Yesterday I was curled up. Today I began to uncurl my toes. During my devotion time this morning, I prayed for my family: my husband, my daughter, and my son. I prayed for specific things.
After my devotion time, I opened my face book page. I use it tospy stalk check up on get an insight into how my children's day is going. Here is what I found on my daughter’s wall:
“Little miracles are everywhere. Learning to open my eyes to them”
Yes, they surely are. Little miracles ARE everywhere.
But, for you, precious daughter: If I could have chosen for you, protected you, I would have. I wanted you to sail through this life without all the struggles. You have had to fight your way out of all the garbage you allowed to enter into your life. You are still fighting and it hurts my heart to watch you. The important thing, the only thing that matters now is that you ARE fighting your way out. You have changed. And because of you, my life has changed. YOU, sweet girl, ARE a MIRACLE.
Are you still writing? Because this is important:
I want to conclude this "session" by purposing in my heart to choose this day and everyday to be thankful for my family, my job, my house, my intelligence (even the lack thereof), my bank account (again, even the lack thereof), my past, my struggles, their struggles, forgiveness, a relationship with Christ.... All of these things and so much more define me, who I am, and what I have: A life to be loved and cherished. A life not to be compared with Alice's or anyone else's.
Thank you, Father, for everything I just mentioned above and so much more. After my day of "wallowing" yesterday, you still gave me such a treasured gift: The insight into my daughter's heart. Thank you for the miracle you are performing in her life. Thank you for the miracles in mine and help me to always recognize them, knowing fully well I cannot do this if I am busy doing "side-by-sides" or curled up in a ball.
ME: Where do I start?
YOU: How about at the beginning.
ME: Ok. Well approximately 38 years ago…
YOU: Are you kidding?
ME: No. I wouldn’t do that.
My family moved to the area where we presently live. My dad had a business acquaintance here and he invited us to go to church with his family. We did and it soon became our church home as well. I was in my early teens. We had a great youth minister and I had many friends there, one in particular: Alice.
Alice was my best friend, at least I thought she was. At some point into our friendship, she played a cruel joke on me. I won’t go into the details but it involved a guy I had a crush on. It was all silly and that was what I blew it off as, certainly not anything I wanted to destroy our relationship over.
Later, we moved to another part of town. I was in the middle of the 8th grade and had to transfer to another school: her school. Obviously I was naive and had not “gotten it” through the joke she played on me because I was about to be in for a huge shock.
I still remember my excitement over seeing her, a familiar face, at this new school. I was lost, scared, and did not know a soul there. At first she pretended not to know me and then she began to make fun of me to her friends.
Are you writing this down? Because this could very well explain some of my current insecurities. Getting it out like this has to be good for the soul. Right?
She moved away shortly afterwards. And I completely lost contact with her.
I have thought about her from time to time over the years, but never had the desire to know where she was or to rekindle a friendship, especially after I figured out there was never truly a friendship to begin with.
Yesterday, after 35 years, she reappeared in my life via face book. Old feelings have resurfaced along with some new ones.
Here is what I remember (or at least think I remember) about Alice:
-- She was beautiful, and had a beautiful smile.
-- She was a year or maybe two older than me.
-- She could sing.
-- Her parents had her late in life. They were old when she was a teenager.
-- She was poor. (I don't know why I thought this, as if we were not)
-- We had some fun times together.
-- I thought she was my friend.
-- She hurt me.
Here is what I know about her now:
-- She is still beautiful. Same smile!
-- She has been married for 33 years.
-- Her parents died when she was in her early twenties.
-- She has two beautiful daughters.
-- She has two beautiful grandchildren. They call her Gigi. Well,at least one of them calls her Gigi.The little boy is only a few months old.
-- She lives in a very wealthy area in a town North of here in what appears to be a mansion overlooking a lake.
-- She has a successful career. By the looks of things, so does her husband.
-- She speaks well of her two sons-in-law.
-- She travels.
-- One daughter teaches school. I do not know what the other one does.
-- Based on what I have read: She is extremely intelligent. And has a close relationship with God.
We talked (typed) back and forth for a long time yesterday. The last words she typed to me were these: “I always thought you had a perfect family.”
Maybe I have unlocked a mystery: She was jealous of me! This would explain why she treated me the way she did. Just maybe this is true, but I really do not know for sure. However, I do know this for certain: Never in my life have I ever encountered someone who from all appearances has a seemingly flawless life, until yesterday. How ironic that I dealt with feelings of jealousy towards her if it is true that so many years ago she was jealous of me.
YOU: (Insert words of wisdom)
ME: Yea, I know, but you cannot tell me anything I have not already told myself over and over.
--“Things may not be exactly as they seem”
--“In all things give thanks”
--“I do now know the whole story. I know nothing about the in between years: 35 years worth”
--“In all things give thanks”
--“There will always be those who have more than I do and those who have less than I do”
--“In all things give thanks”
--“Be content with what God has given me"
--“In all things give thanks”
I’m not joking about the “in all things give thanks”. This kept “popping” in my head throughout the entire day.
So…this morning…for my Bible study, I went to Psalms 92:1. “It is a good thing to give thanks unto the Lord, and to sing praises unto thy name, O Most High.”
I spent time (too much time) yesterday comparing my life to Alice’s, realizing she would probably not be impressed in the least with my accomplishments, my house, my family, my job, my level of intelligence, or my relationship with Christ. This side-by-side comparison left me feeling pretty “ragged” all day long.
Not a pretty picture! And not something I am proud of!
YOU: (Insert more words of wisdom)
I know. I know. I know. Of all the things I listed above, the only one that should truly matter is my relationship with Christ. I get that. I really do. But remember why I started this blog to begin with? Here is where I struggle:
Most of our family and friends who are our age have sons-in-law and daughters-in-law and grandchildren. They are excited and are looking forward to spending their “golden years” enjoying these children. It’s not so much that I want grandchildren right now. But what I do want is to NOT have to spend my “golden years” hoping that I am here long enough to see my children living a life free from the bad decisions they have made, decisions that could possibly haunt them for the rest of their lives unless they can let go and give them completely over to God!!
Why? Why me? I know these are dangerous questions, and a dangerous place for me to allow myself to go to, but sometimes I can’t help myself and all I want to do is curl up in a ball!!!
Yesterday I was curled up. Today I began to uncurl my toes. During my devotion time this morning, I prayed for my family: my husband, my daughter, and my son. I prayed for specific things.
After my devotion time, I opened my face book page. I use it to
“Little miracles are everywhere. Learning to open my eyes to them”
Yes, they surely are. Little miracles ARE everywhere.
But, for you, precious daughter: If I could have chosen for you, protected you, I would have. I wanted you to sail through this life without all the struggles. You have had to fight your way out of all the garbage you allowed to enter into your life. You are still fighting and it hurts my heart to watch you. The important thing, the only thing that matters now is that you ARE fighting your way out. You have changed. And because of you, my life has changed. YOU, sweet girl, ARE a MIRACLE.
Are you still writing? Because this is important:
I want to conclude this "session" by purposing in my heart to choose this day and everyday to be thankful for my family, my job, my house, my intelligence (even the lack thereof), my bank account (again, even the lack thereof), my past, my struggles, their struggles, forgiveness, a relationship with Christ.... All of these things and so much more define me, who I am, and what I have: A life to be loved and cherished. A life not to be compared with Alice's or anyone else's.
Thank you, Father, for everything I just mentioned above and so much more. After my day of "wallowing" yesterday, you still gave me such a treasured gift: The insight into my daughter's heart. Thank you for the miracle you are performing in her life. Thank you for the miracles in mine and help me to always recognize them, knowing fully well I cannot do this if I am busy doing "side-by-sides" or curled up in a ball.
Friday, February 26, 2010
WHY DO YOU BUILD ME UP?
(Build me up)
Buttercup, baby, just to let me down
(Let me down)
And mess me around
And then worst of all
(Worst of all)
you never call, baby
When you say you will
(Say you will)
But I love you still
I need you
(I need you)
More than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up
(Build me up)
Buttercup, don't break my heart
Ha!Ha!
I took my dog outside this afternoon. It is an absolutely beautiful day!!!! Amongst all the "BROWN", I spotted these two flowers and this song immediately stuck in my head. They are usually some of the first flowers to bloom and ALWAYS a welcome sight to the sore eyes that are sick and tired of the cold, dreary weather with absolutely NOTHING green in sight. I am afraid; however, they only come to tease because we all know winter is not over yet. It always freezes or snows in Mississippi for Easter!!
Buttercup, baby, just to let me down
(Let me down)
And mess me around
And then worst of all
(Worst of all)
you never call, baby
When you say you will
(Say you will)
But I love you still
I need you
(I need you)
More than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up
(Build me up)
Buttercup, don't break my heart
Ha!Ha!
I took my dog outside this afternoon. It is an absolutely beautiful day!!!! Amongst all the "BROWN", I spotted these two flowers and this song immediately stuck in my head. They are usually some of the first flowers to bloom and ALWAYS a welcome sight to the sore eyes that are sick and tired of the cold, dreary weather with absolutely NOTHING green in sight. I am afraid; however, they only come to tease because we all know winter is not over yet. It always freezes or snows in Mississippi for Easter!!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
THE FOUR LETTER “S” WORD
When I woke this morning and looked outside it was S-N-O-W-ing…again…this year… here in South Mississippi! Unlike the last time, it did not stick to the ground and did not last very long, but nevertheless it did S-N-O-W. Here is a picture of a S-N-O-W-man someone built in our neighborhood when it S-N-O-W-ed a couple of weeks ago:
Isn’t it cute?
BUT……S-N-O-W is NOT the four letter “S” word I am referring to in my title! The words "pure" and "white" come to my mind when I think of snow, the absolute opposite of this particular “S” word!
Let me explain:
Last night my daughter came over. She has reapplied for school and needed my help with some personal and financial information to complete her paperwork. Before she came over, I gathered folders full of previous tax records, new tax forms, instruction booklets, W2s, receipts, a calculator, my laptop, pens, paper, pencils, Valium (only kidding), etc. and made neat little stacks all over my dining room table, partly to make finding the information she needed easier, but mainly because I needed to start working on the “T” word: TAXES.
I was home alone. Her dad was out of town working and her brother had just left to go on a school trip. I ate some soup before she came over and then started working on the infamous 1040. When she got to the house, I abandoned my pile of paperwork and fixed her a bowl of soup. She ate it in the kitchen and then we both settled in at the dining room table that was covered with my stacks of paperwork and supplies.
As she worked on retrieving the information she needed on the computer, I continued with what I had started earlier. She was busy for the first few minutes trying to locate the form she needed online. Once she found it, I would stop what I was doing each time she had a question long enough to get her the information she needed. This system was working smoothly for us. Not long after she completed her form, she commented on an oil painting I had just recently purchased. It is a painting of two parrots. She liked it. She then told me a story about her conur bird, Kiwi. I listened as I continued to work on my taxes, looking up at her often to comment. She explained how much Kiwi likes to sit on the top of her cell phone and pick at the plastic cover she has on it. The other day while she was holding the phone and he was playing with it, he grabbed her hand with his beak: the skin between the thumb and index finger. Or in her words: “He bit the SH… out of my hand.” My head flew up from my paperwork and I looked over at her (apparently with shock filled eyes).
I am not so naive as to think she does not use this kind of language, but I have never heard her curse and this word, this “S” word, came out of her mouth so easily and so naturally. It shocked us both as she suddenly realized where she was and who she was saying it to and I realized just how comfortable she was using the word. And by the way, I H-A-T-E the word!!!!
She immediately covered her mouth with her hand and apologized. She said, “I meant to say…..” Trust me when I say the word she meant to use was not much better, but for some reason it was not as hard on the ears! Her face turned red and for a few seconds things were extremely awkward. I did not know what to say. She will be 23 this year and has been out on her own for the past few years living a life that sent me into a tailspin which, by the way, caused me to start this blog, and I was not about to scold her for saying a cuss word. So, I tried to change the subject. But, that proved to be even more awkward. It was not long afterwards that she gathered her paperwork and said she needed to go. She usually hugs me bye or lets me hug her, but not this time. She almost could not get out of the door fast enough. I told her goodbye and that I loved her and went back to the table to continue my work.
As I sat there and worked, I started feeling really bad for not confronting the situation head on. I suspected it had something to do with her leaving abruptly, and I really did not want her to feel bad for what she had said in front of me. At the time, I knew it caught me off guard, but had no idea that I had “looked” so shocked. Again, I am still thinking the best thing to do is to not make a big deal out of it.
And then she sent me this text: “I am so humiliated, embarrassed, and bothered that I said that word in front of you. The look on your face was crushing. I want so badly for you to be proud of me. I am surrounded by that kind of language and am not proud to say that I am desensitized to it; something I need to be convicted about. I won’t lie. But I am sincerely sorry and hope you do not think worse of me than you already do.”
Wow.
I texted her back: “I love you. I cannot judge or condemn you because I make mistakes too. I have even let things slip out of my mouth now and then that I should not let slip out. I AM proud of you. I wish you would have talked about this before you left so I could have put your mind at ease. No, I take that back, I should have said something first because I knew it bothered you!”
She apparently left my house and called her grandmother crying uncontrollably. My mom called me this morning to let me know how distraught she was. By this time, we were both able to laugh about the situation as I shared with her what had happened. The laughter stemmed from how well we know this daughter and granddaughter and how she has reacted (or should I say over-reacted) to so many different situations in her life.
I have had some time since then to ponder. And here is what I have pondered:
She may have over-reacted, but she did it out of shame and embarrassment. She did it out of sorrow. She did it out of guilt. She did it because she hurt. She did it because she knew she had disappointed her mother.
Oh, you little four letter “S” word – you caused all of this in my daughter’s heart last night. You caused such awkwardness, and I hated to hear you come out of her precious mouth, but you caused me to have a heart bursting with gratitude, grateful for where she is in her life right now. You caused me to realize the prayers that have been answered. And for this, I have to say thank you. A few (very few) years ago, she did not care. She was not ashamed, not embarrassed, not sorrowful, guilty, or hurt and humiliated over any aspect of her life. It was, after all, her life. The very last thing she cared about was disappointing me or anyone else.
You caused great conviction in her heart, as well as, in mine. If -- only if -- my reaction could be the same as hers every single time I do something wrong (maybe because I too have become desensitized to whatever it is that I am doing, or not doing). If only I could be so full of shame, so embarrassed, so sorrowful, so guilty, humiliated, hurt because I have disappointed my Heavenly Father. Wouldn’t I be the better person for it?
S-U-R-E-ly I would!
Isn’t it cute?
BUT……S-N-O-W is NOT the four letter “S” word I am referring to in my title! The words "pure" and "white" come to my mind when I think of snow, the absolute opposite of this particular “S” word!
Let me explain:
Last night my daughter came over. She has reapplied for school and needed my help with some personal and financial information to complete her paperwork. Before she came over, I gathered folders full of previous tax records, new tax forms, instruction booklets, W2s, receipts, a calculator, my laptop, pens, paper, pencils, Valium (only kidding), etc. and made neat little stacks all over my dining room table, partly to make finding the information she needed easier, but mainly because I needed to start working on the “T” word: TAXES.
I was home alone. Her dad was out of town working and her brother had just left to go on a school trip. I ate some soup before she came over and then started working on the infamous 1040. When she got to the house, I abandoned my pile of paperwork and fixed her a bowl of soup. She ate it in the kitchen and then we both settled in at the dining room table that was covered with my stacks of paperwork and supplies.
As she worked on retrieving the information she needed on the computer, I continued with what I had started earlier. She was busy for the first few minutes trying to locate the form she needed online. Once she found it, I would stop what I was doing each time she had a question long enough to get her the information she needed. This system was working smoothly for us. Not long after she completed her form, she commented on an oil painting I had just recently purchased. It is a painting of two parrots. She liked it. She then told me a story about her conur bird, Kiwi. I listened as I continued to work on my taxes, looking up at her often to comment. She explained how much Kiwi likes to sit on the top of her cell phone and pick at the plastic cover she has on it. The other day while she was holding the phone and he was playing with it, he grabbed her hand with his beak: the skin between the thumb and index finger. Or in her words: “He bit the SH… out of my hand.” My head flew up from my paperwork and I looked over at her (apparently with shock filled eyes).
I am not so naive as to think she does not use this kind of language, but I have never heard her curse and this word, this “S” word, came out of her mouth so easily and so naturally. It shocked us both as she suddenly realized where she was and who she was saying it to and I realized just how comfortable she was using the word. And by the way, I H-A-T-E the word!!!!
She immediately covered her mouth with her hand and apologized. She said, “I meant to say…..” Trust me when I say the word she meant to use was not much better, but for some reason it was not as hard on the ears! Her face turned red and for a few seconds things were extremely awkward. I did not know what to say. She will be 23 this year and has been out on her own for the past few years living a life that sent me into a tailspin which, by the way, caused me to start this blog, and I was not about to scold her for saying a cuss word. So, I tried to change the subject. But, that proved to be even more awkward. It was not long afterwards that she gathered her paperwork and said she needed to go. She usually hugs me bye or lets me hug her, but not this time. She almost could not get out of the door fast enough. I told her goodbye and that I loved her and went back to the table to continue my work.
As I sat there and worked, I started feeling really bad for not confronting the situation head on. I suspected it had something to do with her leaving abruptly, and I really did not want her to feel bad for what she had said in front of me. At the time, I knew it caught me off guard, but had no idea that I had “looked” so shocked. Again, I am still thinking the best thing to do is to not make a big deal out of it.
And then she sent me this text: “I am so humiliated, embarrassed, and bothered that I said that word in front of you. The look on your face was crushing. I want so badly for you to be proud of me. I am surrounded by that kind of language and am not proud to say that I am desensitized to it; something I need to be convicted about. I won’t lie. But I am sincerely sorry and hope you do not think worse of me than you already do.”
Wow.
I texted her back: “I love you. I cannot judge or condemn you because I make mistakes too. I have even let things slip out of my mouth now and then that I should not let slip out. I AM proud of you. I wish you would have talked about this before you left so I could have put your mind at ease. No, I take that back, I should have said something first because I knew it bothered you!”
She apparently left my house and called her grandmother crying uncontrollably. My mom called me this morning to let me know how distraught she was. By this time, we were both able to laugh about the situation as I shared with her what had happened. The laughter stemmed from how well we know this daughter and granddaughter and how she has reacted (or should I say over-reacted) to so many different situations in her life.
I have had some time since then to ponder. And here is what I have pondered:
She may have over-reacted, but she did it out of shame and embarrassment. She did it out of sorrow. She did it out of guilt. She did it because she hurt. She did it because she knew she had disappointed her mother.
Oh, you little four letter “S” word – you caused all of this in my daughter’s heart last night. You caused such awkwardness, and I hated to hear you come out of her precious mouth, but you caused me to have a heart bursting with gratitude, grateful for where she is in her life right now. You caused me to realize the prayers that have been answered. And for this, I have to say thank you. A few (very few) years ago, she did not care. She was not ashamed, not embarrassed, not sorrowful, guilty, or hurt and humiliated over any aspect of her life. It was, after all, her life. The very last thing she cared about was disappointing me or anyone else.
You caused great conviction in her heart, as well as, in mine. If -- only if -- my reaction could be the same as hers every single time I do something wrong (maybe because I too have become desensitized to whatever it is that I am doing, or not doing). If only I could be so full of shame, so embarrassed, so sorrowful, so guilty, humiliated, hurt because I have disappointed my Heavenly Father. Wouldn’t I be the better person for it?
S-U-R-E-ly I would!
Monday, February 22, 2010
IT IS WELL
WITH MY SOUL
(WE SANG THIS SONG IN CHURCH YESTERDAY AND IT IS STUCK IN MY HEAD.I SANG IT LOUDLY AND FROM THE DEPTHS OF MY SOUL. I KNOW THE LORD HEARD ME, JUST GLAD NO ONE ELSE COULD!)
When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Refrain:
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life,
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
But Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul.
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
Horatio Spafford
(WE SANG THIS SONG IN CHURCH YESTERDAY AND IT IS STUCK IN MY HEAD.I SANG IT LOUDLY AND FROM THE DEPTHS OF MY SOUL. I KNOW THE LORD HEARD ME, JUST GLAD NO ONE ELSE COULD!)
When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Refrain:
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life,
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
But Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul.
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
Horatio Spafford
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