Friday, July 16, 2010


I would have to go back and check some dates, but I am fairly sure it is going on three years.  Three years of not knowing where my daughter lived.  Three years of not knowing whether or not she stayed with friends, rented an apartment or house, or lived in her car.  HER CAR! Oh how that makes my heart ache.  I am literally wiping the tears from my eyes as I type this, knowing there were times in the past three years when she had nowhere to go, nowhere to call her own, nowhere to lay her head, nowhere to settle, no where to feel safe and secure.  

Even with our relationship mended, it has been necessary for me to not know or see where she lived.  But...

Today is different!

Because today I know where she lives.  I know where she calls her own.  I know she has a bed to lie down on with clean linens and pillows and a pretty comforter.  I know she will be cool this summer and warm this winter and water for bathing with fresh towels to dry off on.  Today I know she will have a place to keep her clothes neat and a place to wash and dry them.  I know she has plates and bowls to eat from and cups to drink from.  Today I know she has yummy smelling candles to burn and sweet smelling soaps in her bathroom. I know she will have warm rugs to walk on and  a pantry and refrigerator stocked with food. And all the things I take for granted every single day!!

For the first time ever, I have taken a part in making sure she has some of the things she needs to make her comfortable and happy living out on her own.  And this makes me happy.  

Sunday, July 11, 2010


The blog created by Ashley's mom, Trish, is the first blog I ever read. Ashleys Journal.  I did not even know what a blog was.  And could not for the life of me tell you how I stumbled across it, but I have followed her story faithfully.  It is the story of their precious daughter and their journey through the life of a transplant.  Trish has inspired me with her attitude and her ability to set aside all things that do not matter so much and put front and center all that does, like her children, all three of them.  Right now Ashley is in critical condition and she and and her family need prayer.  If you are reading this, please pray for little Ashley Kate Adams.   



Not in this case.
It has been five days since I have heard from her.
She could call today and we could pick up where we left off last Tuesday.
I just don't know.
She has done this very thing before. 
She called me. (Tuesday)
Many times throughout the day.
She asked if she could move home for a little while.
I told her she could.
She told me she would need a bed when she moved in with a friend.
I told her I would take care of it.    
We talked about so many things.
She talked about giving her golden retriever away.
She cried and I listened.
I tried to encourage.
Maybe I said too much.
She sent me a text around nine that evening.
She was not coming.
It is the waiting and wondering that makes me crazy.
I have tried to communicate.
I have called, left messages, and texted.
She has not responded.
My mind begins to go in all sorts of directions.
But, I recognize the need take a step back.
Not push myself on her. 
But, I hate this.
Where is she?

A couple of years ago, I would go weeks and even months without talking to her.  I never knew where she was or what she was doing.  I was consumed with so many emotions.  But mainly I grieved.  But, it was different then.  Separation was the way I dealt with her and the decisions she was making. Before anyone passes judgment, you would have had to walk in my shoes to understand the process.  I have walked one day at a time on this nearly three year journey, each day bringing different levels of emotions and understanding.  My strength, my faith, and my love have grown to heights I never knew possible.  I have witnessed the Almighty at work; miracle after miracle.  If I had had the ability at the time to spare my sweet daughter from the direction she took, would I have?  Yes.  God knew this.  He knew I would have done anything to spare her from this potentially life destroying decision.  He did not give the choice to me. Throughout this journey she has changed.  I have changed.  This was His divine plan for both of us.

In the last couple of months she began saying yes God.  And it was then when he began to open doors that were never open before.  She recognized them.  She walked through them.  She told me she also began to recognize how Satan was working overtime.

This is what scares me about her silence.

Is she fighting with all her might or is she giving in to what Satan has deceived her into believing is the easy thing to do right now? 

I cannot fight this for her.  All I can do is pray for her and cheer her on.  She knows I am here and when she avoids me I think the worst.  It is as if she is a small child again.  She has done something terribly wrong and is hiding from me.  She is ashamed and to face me would bring out the shame.  She also knows how excited I have been over her desire to get her life back on track.  Is she afraid of disappointing me?

See!  I told you my imagination is in over-drive.

God, she has been at the bottom.  She told me so.  I have to believe she does not want to be there anymore.  And I know you do not want her there anymore.  Open her eyes to Satan's lies.  He is busy masking the ugly with beauty that is appealing to her senses.  Wake her up.  Let her see, smell, hear, and feel the stench and rottenest of all that she has surrounded herself with.  Give her the strength and courage to do what she cannot do on her own.  This week I have, indirectly, seen and felt her hurt and confusion.  All the change is overwhelming to her even though she knows it is right.  Give her something to cling to.  Show her real beauty and not masked beauty.  Allow her to know that any suffering she may endure in the process of receiving and enjoying your beauty will be worth it in the end.  Let her know that her suffering is not necessarily punishment from you, but rather the consequences of where she has placed herself these past few years.  I love her and cannot bear to see her struggle.  So, no matter how hard and painful she thinks this is, give her the endurance to overcome. Encourage her.     

God, encourage me.  Would you give this mother peace of mind?  Would you give me the phone call I terribly long for?  God, would you?    Thanking you for what you have and will continue to do in both of our lives.  Amen. 

In the meantime, I will wait.  I will watch.  And I will pray.  I am here, precious daughter.  I am here.    

Thursday, July 8, 2010



This past Sunday, on July 4, my husband and I attended Metairie Baptist Church.

A little over two years ago we began looking for a church to attend during our weekends spent  in Louisiana.  Keeping in mind that Baptist Churches are not located on every corner as we are used to seeing.  Catholic Churches? Yes! Along with just about any other denomination you can possibly think of. We went on the Internet and found a few we were interested in visiting; this list consisted of four or five.  However, the very first church we visited was not one of them.  It was a non-denominational church located just blocks from the house where my husband stays during the week and we both stay on occasional weekends.  We enjoyed the service but both agreed that it was probably not the right place for us.  So, officially, Metairie Baptist was the first one on our list.

The church is located in a historical district approximately five minutes away from us.  The neighborhood is lovely and the houses surrounding it are quaint and VERY expensive.  We know because we looked into a few of them thinking we could consider purchasing one.  The church building itself is old and beautiful.  Our experience there on that particular morning was refreshing.  And even though the music was a wonderful balance of old and new; the people were friendly; and the sermon moved us to tears, we still thought we would check it off the list and move on to the next church.

But, we never did!  We have been drawn to this church and have visited every chance we get.  My husband has even attended during the week.  We would love to be able to get more involved, but have not figured that one out yet. 

We have yet to find one thing about this church that we do not like.  As I said earlier, the music is a wonderful balance of hymns and praise music.  The Minister of Music is young, energetic, talented, and friendly.  The same can be said of the Youth Minister.  The congregation is a mix of young and old.  The pastor is a middle-aged man.  He and his family are from Tennessee.  He is spirit-filled and his sermon's reflect that.  They move me to tears and I usually leave the service full of emotions, even those of jealousy when a new family has joined.  I am really confused as to why God has given us this wonderful church to attend in a city where we do not live and why we are still struggling to find one here in our own home town.  

Overall the services at Metairie Baptist are God led, organized, polished, uplifting, and inspiring.  One thing that stands out there is how often they stop to pray.  The Youth Minister presents the church with the announcements and he prays, the Minister of Music prays a couple of times, and the Pastor prays for some of his congregation who have specific requests.  He also prays at the beginning of his sermon and at the end of his sermon.   Each prayer is specific, never lengthy, and truly heart-felt.  

This past Sunday Pastor Strong prayed a prayer that gripped my heart and moved me in a way that I have never been moved before.  I am not sure why, but I did not think to mention it to my husband after we left, but the next day he mentioned it to me.  This prayer had affected him the same way it had me. It was a wake up call of sorts and possibly a life-changing moment for both of us.

It was not what the pastor said, it was how he said it.  Think about the words we use to ask God for something.  Here are some examples:

--God, please bring my daughter back to a place in her life that would please you.
--God, I pray that you would bring my daughter back to a place in her life that would please you.
--God, bring my daughter back to a place in her life that would please you.
--God, I want my daughter back to a place in her life that would please you.

Everyone of these requests are presented in the form of a command:

--Please bring! 
--I want!

Pastor Strong prayed a prayer like one I have never heard in my life, like one my husband has never heard in his life.  It was a yearning.  It was full of respect, earnest desire, compassion, gentleness, and sweetness, yet so overwhelmingly powerful at the same time.  It was the picture of a young son wanting something so badly and knowing he was at the mercy of his daddy to grant him his desire.  "Father, would you take me fishing today?  Would you?

God, would you bring my daughter back to place in her life that would please you? WOULD YOU?