Sunday, July 11, 2010

SILENCE

IS NOT GOLDEN...

Not in this case.
It has been five days since I have heard from her.
She could call today and we could pick up where we left off last Tuesday.
I just don't know.
She has done this very thing before. 
She called me. (Tuesday)
Many times throughout the day.
She asked if she could move home for a little while.
I told her she could.
She told me she would need a bed when she moved in with a friend.
I told her I would take care of it.    
We talked about so many things.
She talked about giving her golden retriever away.
She cried and I listened.
I tried to encourage.
Maybe I said too much.
She sent me a text around nine that evening.
She was not coming.
It is the waiting and wondering that makes me crazy.
I have tried to communicate.
I have called, left messages, and texted.
She has not responded.
My mind begins to go in all sorts of directions.
But, I recognize the need take a step back.
Not push myself on her. 
But, I hate this.
Where is she?

A couple of years ago, I would go weeks and even months without talking to her.  I never knew where she was or what she was doing.  I was consumed with so many emotions.  But mainly I grieved.  But, it was different then.  Separation was the way I dealt with her and the decisions she was making. Before anyone passes judgment, you would have had to walk in my shoes to understand the process.  I have walked one day at a time on this nearly three year journey, each day bringing different levels of emotions and understanding.  My strength, my faith, and my love have grown to heights I never knew possible.  I have witnessed the Almighty at work; miracle after miracle.  If I had had the ability at the time to spare my sweet daughter from the direction she took, would I have?  Yes.  God knew this.  He knew I would have done anything to spare her from this potentially life destroying decision.  He did not give the choice to me. Throughout this journey she has changed.  I have changed.  This was His divine plan for both of us.

In the last couple of months she began saying yes God.  And it was then when he began to open doors that were never open before.  She recognized them.  She walked through them.  She told me she also began to recognize how Satan was working overtime.

This is what scares me about her silence.

Is she fighting with all her might or is she giving in to what Satan has deceived her into believing is the easy thing to do right now? 

I cannot fight this for her.  All I can do is pray for her and cheer her on.  She knows I am here and when she avoids me I think the worst.  It is as if she is a small child again.  She has done something terribly wrong and is hiding from me.  She is ashamed and to face me would bring out the shame.  She also knows how excited I have been over her desire to get her life back on track.  Is she afraid of disappointing me?

See!  I told you my imagination is in over-drive.

God, she has been at the bottom.  She told me so.  I have to believe she does not want to be there anymore.  And I know you do not want her there anymore.  Open her eyes to Satan's lies.  He is busy masking the ugly with beauty that is appealing to her senses.  Wake her up.  Let her see, smell, hear, and feel the stench and rottenest of all that she has surrounded herself with.  Give her the strength and courage to do what she cannot do on her own.  This week I have, indirectly, seen and felt her hurt and confusion.  All the change is overwhelming to her even though she knows it is right.  Give her something to cling to.  Show her real beauty and not masked beauty.  Allow her to know that any suffering she may endure in the process of receiving and enjoying your beauty will be worth it in the end.  Let her know that her suffering is not necessarily punishment from you, but rather the consequences of where she has placed herself these past few years.  I love her and cannot bear to see her struggle.  So, no matter how hard and painful she thinks this is, give her the endurance to overcome. Encourage her.     

God, encourage me.  Would you give this mother peace of mind?  Would you give me the phone call I terribly long for?  God, would you?    Thanking you for what you have and will continue to do in both of our lives.  Amen. 

In the meantime, I will wait.  I will watch.  And I will pray.  I am here, precious daughter.  I am here.    

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