Wednesday, August 26, 2009


Sometimes my heart fills with emotions such as grief, sorrow, joy, or gratitude; the dam breaks; and my tears are the overflow.

This morning I was….














-CONCERNED FOR THOSE WHO DO NOT KNOW HIM I drove to work. My heart spilled over with love,the dam broke, and the tears flowed.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


I told myself I was not going to blog about, "Julie & Julia". I have read many posts dedicated to this movie, and while I enjoyed each and every one of them, I decided that is was an exhausted topic and what more could I possibly add? BUT, for some reason I have not been able to get one part of it off my mind. So, here is a "Never-say-never":

My husband and I saw the movie two weeks ago and we both liked it very much, not to say we LOVED it! Julie had a mission and was determined to see it through. It was almost exhausting watching her as she worked at her full time job, worked on her seemingly impossible "mission" every single day, and then blogged about it every single night, she had to find time to grocery shop daily, clean up her mess nightly, not to mention she had a husband, apartment, and a cat to take care of, and she entertained frequently. Whew!

At the beginning of her blogging journey she was very much aware that no one was commenting on her posts. She even, at one point, accepted the fact that no one else in the whole world would probably ever know or care about it or what it was she was trying to accomplish. But, she kept on, knowing that if no other soul ever found out, it would be ok, because after all, this was something she was doing for herself. This was the part of the movie when I felt like a spotlight had landed directly above my head for everyone in the entire movie theater to see just how much I could relate to what she was feeling. From a human standpoint, I guess we all want proof that someone out there cares or is interested in what we are trying to accomplish.

In my prayer time this morning, I asked God to allow me to continually be mindful that He will direct the path of this blog. I asked for His protection on it, for the eyes of those who read it, and for the hearts of those who may be touched by it. I truly believe He has orchestrated every moment so far: from the passion He gave me to create it, to the idea for the title (which, by the way, I still have not shared, but promise to do so in the future), to the words that feel like they are going to burst out of my head until I can get them posted. Like Julie, I know in my heart this is something I need to do. It may be meant for me and me alone, for my daughter in the future, for no one else. I do not know, but I am certain of this one thing: God has a plan, and I want to be a part of it.

Presently, at 0% comments, I will practice 100% humility!

Monday, August 24, 2009


GRIEF: Intense mental anguish; deep remorse; acute sorrow


An aunt died this past June. I attended her funeral and watched her children, grandchildren, sibling, etc. grieve. Without a doubt their feelings were intense, deep, and acute, with only time to help them subside. They will always remember her, they will always miss her, and they will always cling to the hope of seeing her again.

At the beginning of my journey and for a very long time afterward, I was grief stricken. It was an eruption that was more apparent and lasted longer than any other feeling or emotion I had ever experienced. I felt the intense mental anguish, the deep remorse, and the acute sorrow and could not understand why. I knew it had to match the feelings of loosing a child to death, but I had not, so why? Why was I grief stricken?

It all made sense to me when I finally learned why, and that my feelings were perfectly normal. In a way, I had lost something. I had lost an entire lifetime of longings, desires, and dreams that only a mother could have for her daughter. And now they lay before me folded like a piece of paper jammed in a copy machine, accordion-like!

In time, thankfully, my feelings of grief became less and less intense, deep, and acute, but as far as my longings, desires and dreams for her: They will always be remembered, they will always be missed, and they will always be hoped for.

PEACE: A calm and quite state


There are people in our lives that we chose not to share our situation with and they never saw me grieve. There are those who knew, but never saw me grieve. There are actually only a very few who ever saw and truly felt my pain. It occurred to me one day that if those who never saw me grieve learned of the situation right now, they may possibly mistake the peace in my life for acceptance.

The journey between grief stricken and peacefulness has been long and turbulent, and I no longer have an acceptance of the situation than on day one. God has given me an unexplainable calm and quite state that I did not understand in the beginning. I felt guilty for not crying, for not feeling stirred, or for feeling nothing at all. From time to time, the grief resurfaces. Thankfully it does not stay around long, but I have learned to accept it as a time to step up my prayers for my daughter. It is during these times that I feel vulnerable and closer to God as He comforts me through it.

I have also come to accept that it is during the calm and quite times that God is carrying my load and I am reminded once again that His yoke is easy and His burden light.

Saturday, August 22, 2009


And it came to pass:

-The period of rebellion
-The doubts and fears she experienced about her salvation
-Completion of high school and a huge celebration with family
and friends
-A graduation gift: something she wanted and had dreamed of
for several years: minor cosmetic surgery
-College enrollment
-The first time to drive her new car
-Acquiring her first part time job

I settled into a front row seat, excited about everything good and wonderful that lay ahead of her, not wanting to miss seeing one moment of it.

And then things went terribly wrong, and I went numb.


She became distant. She removed herself from us physically, as well as, emotionally. She became moody, argumentative, and despondent. Her entire personality changed.


In a previous post, I stated that I experienced shock, not once but twice, but I am not so sure I can describe the feelings this time around as shock. I think they were more on the lines of disbelief, a denial of sense. This cannot be happening!


I tried to tell myself that it was all nonsense. I thought I could fix it, and somehow make it all go away, one way or the other. I tried to retrace my steps, by taking her to counseling, but to no avail. This time she had a nineteen year old heart and a nineteen year old mind to “follow the crowd” and not a thirteen year old one, making it tremendously more complicated and difficult. I remember feeling defeated, not sure I had the endurance or strength to do it all.


I knew I could no longer be a spectator in her life, but a participant, trying to figure out how to save my daughter


Tuesday, August 18, 2009


Dear B,

30 years and 30 memories or milestones later…some are huge, some are tiny, some made us cry, some laugh, some both! But, the one thing they all have in common is that each and every one of these events and so, so many more have defined our lives together, and have helped to make us who we are today.

1. August 18, 1979
2. Disney World Honeymoon and Freddie BoomBoom
3. Fairchild Drive
4. The lack of parking spaces at USM
5. Geology/Switzerland
6. A spinal cord tumor
7. Two hobos at Halloween
8. The Sight Seer Trip from you know where
9. Moving out of Pine Haven - 5 years after moving in
10. S 19th Avenue
11. Sunset Drive
12. A baby girl
13. A baby boy
14. The years worshiping at BBC
15. Their baptismal
16. The Cox family
17. George Street and building a house
18. Thirty Christmases
19. Piano recitals , baseball games
20. Elaine
21. Your dad
22. Katrina
23. Niagara Falls
24. Alco
25. A new job
26. Chloe
28. Our journey with our daughter
29. Our journey with your mom
30. A new quest: seeking God for a new church, possibly a new address, and direction for the next 30!


Dear God,

Thank you for him, for the past thirty years, and for the security of his love and devotion. God, we have had our share of “mountain tops“, as well as, “valleys“, but you have never left us and have always made us better because of them. We look to you and trust you to carry us through the journey we are currently on with our precious daughter. Thank you for allowing us to feel your pain, the pain you feel when one of your children has left the security of your arms. Bring her back home to us and to the security of your arms.

God we have watched you close and open many doors. Carry us through the next years of our lives together as we seek your guidance and your will. We will be careful to try not to blow through the opened doors, not taking the time to see you standing there holding them open for us, or plow through the closed ones wanting our way and not yours. You have blessed our lives in ways that we never deserved. I love you, L

Monday, August 17, 2009


Thankfully, there are people who have everything in their own lives in check, so much so, that they are able to keep the rest of us abreast as to what is going on in ours. Why, just last night I encountered such a person as this.

Here is what I THOUGHT I knew:

1. My husband lost his job of 25 years due to corporate restructuring throughout the company.
2. He took a job in the New Orleans area.
3. He wanted to keep and maintain our home in Mississippi (at least for now) while he travels back and forth.
4. We spend weekends in New Orleans on occasion just because we enjoy it and have a place to stay.
5. The direction my daughter has taken in her life. (keeping in mind that we have muddled through it for the past two years)
6. The picture I carried in my Bible for a little while was the one of my great niece.
7. The reasons we left our church home. (They were strictly between my husband and I, but was never based on anything we or a family member ever did. It was a personal decision and we felt it in the best interest of our spiritual well being to leave.)

Here is what I NOW know:

1. My daughter had a baby.
2. This baby is a well-kept secret.
3. My husband and I are in New Orleans with this baby, hiding it’s existence from all those we love and who would love it.
4. The picture that I carried, the one that was seen by this person, is a picture of this precious grand baby.
5. I never showed it to anyone. So, if you happened to see it, it was truly by accident.
6. The job here is a cover-up.
7. We left our church before the scandal was uncovered.


But, this is only part of the story. The “all-knowing” individual shared her information with a very close family member. After getting the shock affect desired, she then apologized with this, “I just assumed you knew.” First of all, the “informed” family member is physically ill, as well as, suffering from dementia. We are VERY cautious about what WE share. Secondly, why tell someone something if you think they already know it? Thirdly, why not keep your mouth shut unless you are 100 percent sure that what is coming out of it is truth.

Am I angry? The knowledge this one thinks she possesses is so ridiculous, it made me laugh, and is as far from the truth as just about anything I have heard lately. No, not angry, just amazed and full of pity for someone who while actually destroying their own testimony, thinks they are destroying someone else’s.

Sunday, August 16, 2009


Spent the day with my mother yesterday in New Orleans, celebrating her birthday. Ate, shopped, went to the French Market, Jackson Square, and the INSECTARIUM. It is worth checking out if you are ever in the area. Guess which insects were my favorite?

Wednesday, August 12, 2009


In this post I want to share a segment from a journal entry that my daughter wrote in 2006. Yesterday as I was reading over her words and doubting whether or not I should publicize them because after all they are private, and also knowing she may not approve, I happened to look at the date: 8/11/2006. (exactly three years ago) I accepted this as confirmation, so here goes:

“I just started praying. Last night I poured out my heart and cried out to God. I told him to get Satan out of my head! That I did not want to deal w/Satan and his confusion. I told God about my thoughts, (of dying and standing before Christ and Him saying, “Depart from me, I never knew you”, and eternity would begin and there would be absolutely nothing I could do.) He already knew my thoughts, but I told Him anyway. I told Him that I wanted peace in my heart, that I knew I sinned everyday and that I believed He died on the cross and rose again to save me from my sins and that I wanted a real relationship with Him. I asked God for peace. I never wanted to fear or doubt my salvation again. During my prayer a calm came over me. I cannot explain it and I NEVER want to forget it. It was a miracle. It was the Holy Spirit. I know, know, know that when I die I will spend eternity with God. He knows me! He loves me!

I asked God to not let me have doubting thoughts, about my salvation, or even of His existence ever again. I have never experienced this kind of peace, and I never want it to leave. I thought I was saved before and I don’t want to try and explain it or figure it out, I just have the peace of knowing that when I die that I will go to heaven. I know God heard me last night. I got serious with Him and I did not feel like my words were bouncing off the ceiling. It was real and I cannot explain it other than a miracle from God.”

As she sat across from me on the love seat in our family room, she poured her heart out about what she had experienced. She cried tears of joy and relief. She had feelings of peace and security that had wrapped their arms around her and she was "resting". Her journal writings are a testament to this.

"Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

I listened. I cried. I knew that as wonderful as her feelings were and as much as she would like to hold on to them forever, the truth is their luster would fade and I felt a "motherly" duty. I wanted her to bask in the moment, but to also be prepared. "K, Satan will more than likely come at you once again loaded with darts of doubts, fears, and insecurities. Do not let him get the victory. Please never forget what happened to you last night. Your peace and security will not always come in the form of feelings, but will always come in the form of remembrance. They will come from remembering what God did for you last night. Please remember."


Tuesday, August 11, 2009


I want to use this entry to sort out something that I am struggling with. I hope to get it out of my head and onto these pages, pray over it, and allow God to make it clear to me as to which direction I need to take.

Up to this point, I have not revealed the path that my daughter has chosen for her life, and I NEVER intended to do so. Now I am struggling as to whether or not I should. Why? Is it something I think I need to do, but God does not, or is it something that God is trying to lead me into and I am fighting against? I do not know.

Why did I chose not to reveal this information in the first place?

1. This is for and about me, my struggles and not hers, my journey and not hers.
2. There are family members that do not know everything, elderly parents who could not cope. The fear of them seeing this blog (although it is highly unlikely) grips me.
3. My dream is that one day her children, my grandchildren, will have the opportunity to read what I have written. They will ask their mother what this is all about, and she can simply say, “It’s about a mother’s love!” and they will never have to know anything else.

Why do I think I need to, now?

1. One of the main reasons I started this blog was to reach out to other mother’s who may be on the same journey with their daughters (or even sons). Can I do this without them knowing what exactly it is that she struggles with?
2. Over a year ago I read the testimony of a young girl who was where my daughter is right now. She has a beautiful story of how God rescued her and she shares it with others. I carried her article in my Bible for months. It became my symbol of hope. And then God surprised me with an opportunity to meet her. My husband and I attended a conference in Clinton, MS last year and she was there. We did not know that she was going to be one of the speakers. She was listed on the itinerary that we received as one of the speakers for the Pastor and Youth Minister conference held on the Friday before we went on Saturday. She was not listed to speak on Saturday. I have contacted her via e-mail and she has offered to share my blog within the community that she ministers to. Is it fair that I have asked her to do this while not disclosing the information in question?

And just as I knew He would, God gave me the answer before I could even finish typing the last paragraph:

Lynn, what are the most important reasons you have for writing? Have you not already said it is to:

1. Glorify Me - I already know the nature of the sin, you do not have to publicize it to share Me with others.

2. Help others - You can help mothers who are struggling with all prodigal children. Allow your daughter to share her own story one day. She can help others with hers. You can help them with yours.

3. Benefit yourself - You ARE benefiting.

4. Leave her a legacy - Allow this to be something that she will be proud of one day, and not ashamed to show her children or anyone else. I have erased her sin and it doesn’t need to be spelled out as a reminder. Your love is all she needs to be reminded of.

I SHALL move on!

Monday, August 10, 2009


Shock - to disturb the mind or emotions of; affect with great surprise; distress; disgust

Eight years ago, my mind and my emotions were disturbed, I was affected with great surprise, and I was distressed and disgusted.

They were all there, the classic warning signs. You know the ones the experts tell you about: mood swings; too much time alone in her room; disconnecting with the rest of the family, the wrong friends. For months the changes were subtle and then things began spiraling out of control very, very quickly.

A family moved to our church who had a daughter the same age as our daughter. They became friends fairly quickly. Not long into the friendship, K began expressing the desire to go to public school. (We were home schooling at the time.) Knowing her friend had painted her a glamorous picture of all the fun and freedom she was missing out on, we tried to convince her otherwise. We also reaffirmed our confidence in the fact that our conviction to keep her out of the public school system and to home school was God led, but none of that mattered. Soon her personality became foreign to us and out of character for her, unlike anything we had ever seen. This child of ours could not have willingly been capable of this kind of behavior. It had to be hormonal.

At first, my husband and I thought it would pass, but as she became relentless with her pleading and begging, we finally decided to give her the option of going to a Christian school. This was not what she wanted. She bounced back and forth from a state of total and complete defiance, being argumentative, to a state of depression, where she refused on some days to get out of bed. Her behavior was reckless and we felt that our giving in to her and allowing her to go to school was not an option. In other words, it was complex, not as simple as just giving in. We were in a show down. Here was our child, who had always been just as beautiful inwardly as she was outwardly, at the age of thirteen, no longer lovable, no longer discipline (able), and no longer direct (able), no longer reachable or reasonable. We needed help.

I cannot fill in the gaps of all that happened during this two and half year journey, but it was a distressful, scary, and very disturbing time in our lives. We tried several avenues to get help and finally found a Christian counselor who was able to make a breakthrough. There were many acts of defiance that caused us much grief, shame, and shock. Some of them were not even made known to us until after she opened up with the help of the counselor.

Skipping to the end of the story, we took some necessary measures to help her sever relationships, as well as, enrolled her in a Christian school. She was sincerely remorseful for this time of rebellion in her life, and later wrote a beautiful essay for her writing class on peer pressure. It was a tremendous part of the healing process for all of us.

Here is a copy of her New Year’s resolutions written at the end of the same year:

1. Tell people I love that I love them every day.
2. Work harder at everything.
3. Be nicer to __________ (her brother).
4. Do something nice for someone every day.
5. Clean my room.
“This is going to be a good year…”

And it was. For three years and three months it was good.

Sunday, August 9, 2009


I felt the pain. I grieved for her. I recall the exact moment this morning when the Holy Spirit prompted me to contact her and invite her to come with us to the evening church service that we too had been invited to. I did not understand the urgency, but He did.

K, I wish you could have heard Him. You would have felt it too. He would have whispered in your ears and told you how special you are, and how much He wants you to flee the lusts, to follow righteousness, and to be accountable to other Christians. I am truly sorry you missed this opportunity to feel the power of his love and to feel reassured. He could have told you how much He misses you and how much He desires for you to come home. As I type right now, I am heartbroken over what you missed tonight. You missed the opportunity to see, feel, and hear God.

Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart. 2 Timothy 2:22

Thursday, August 6, 2009


Last night I tried to sort through approximately 8 years of notes, calendars, letters, etc. so that I could be clear on the time line of events, as well as, recall some of my thoughts and feelings throughout this journey with my daughter. I stumbled across something I must have copied from the internet. It was dated July 21, 2008.

If you put a BUZZARD in a pen that is 6 feet by 8 feet and is entirely open at the top, the bird, in spite of its ability to fly, will be an absolute prisoner. The reason is that a buzzard always begins a flight from the ground with a run of 10 to 12 feet. Without space to run, as is its habit, it will not even attempt to fly, but will remain a prisoner for life in a small jail with no top.

The ordinary BAT that flies around at night, a remarkable nimble creature in the air, cannot take off from a level place. If it is placed on the floor or flat ground, all it can do is shuffle about helplessly and, no doubt, painfully, until it reaches some slight elevation from which it can throw itself in the air. Then, at once, it takes off like a flash.

A BUMBLEBEE, if dropped into an open tumbler, will be there until it dies, unless it is taken out. It never sees the means of escape at the top, but persists in trying to find some way out through the sides near the bottom. It will seek a way where none exists, until it completely destroys itself.

In many ways, WE are like the buzzard, the bat, and the bumblebee. We struggle about with all our problems and frustrations, never realizing that all we have to do is look up!

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth. Psalms 121:1-2

Wednesday, August 5, 2009


I love organization. I love feeling settled and grounded when everything around me is neat, clean, and orderly. It just seems to make life easier. I am really not OCD with it, well, I don’t think I am anyway, because all too often I am not so neat, clean, and organized. Although, I definitely prefer it over all things cluttered and messy.

On my journey with a prodigal daughter, I have not been in control of the arranging or rearranging of the contents of my wagon. They get bounced and jolted around and I cannot sort, move, or discard them. What is on the top today, out in full view may get sifted to the bottom tomorrow, not necessarily gone, just temporarily unexposed. They are not neatly stacked, labeled, or alphabetized.

There have been days when I have wanted nothing more than to take my overloaded wagon full of unwantedness and slam it into a wall. But then realize that I would be hitched (or yoked) to an overloaded, unwanted, and now broken down wagon with its contents completely exposed and scattered out in full view. And, sometimes containment is good.

I mentioned recently that we took our niece to the Audubon Zoo in New Orleans. Would we have walked through with its lions, bears, elephants, rhinos, snakes, etc. running loose? I don’t think so. Our visit was fun because we enjoyed seeing the animals at a distance with something (a plate of glass or a steel bar) between us and them. Yea, containment was good.

Never once did God overwhelm me by allowing me to peek in and view the contents of my wagon all at once. He knew the exact time to expose them to me and He stayed with me to guide me through the process. I have grabbed each stage of this journey, one by one and spent time with it, cried over it, sorted through it, accepted it, and then moved on.

Some days the traffic gets backed up and I stand still or just inch along. Sometimes I take the wrong turn and revert back. Sometimes I get lost and drive around aimlessly, in circles. In other words some days and weeks I seem to go nowhere, even backwards, but all in all (when I look at the big picture) my journey has evolved. I have seen many mile markers and felt many bumps in the road, and as my heart spills out, it should be a testament to this. In future blogs, I want to go into a little more depth about where I started on this journey and where I am now. It has been a cycle. It has been a challenge. And for the past couple of years, it has been my life. This has been my life:

1. The Initial Shock
2. Denial (Trying to Fix It)
3. Grief
4. Trying To Understand the Hows and Whys
5. Taking Inventory
6. Learning to Love Her “In Spite Of”
7. Healing