Tuesday, June 29, 2010


And Glory Filled My Soul.....

For some strange reason (at least I thought it strange at the time) these words from this gospel hymn that I have not heard or sang in a very long time came to my mind earlier in the day.

Tonight I understand.  They were a glimpse into what was to come.


Tonight we talked. We laughed. We cried. I heard her say things I never thought to ever hear her say.

I will not be able to record the conversation in its entirety, but I will remember and write as much as I possibly can.

She told me it was as if she had been asleep for over two years and was NOW awake.

She regrets the lost time.

She told me it HAD to happen.

She needed to hit rock bottom to wake her up to truly get it, to understand how blessed and wonderful her life was.

With all the gusto in the world she desires to get K (herself) back.  

She told me she has already left her current situation mentally and emotionally, but physically it could not happen until September.

She has made plans to share an apartment with a high school friend.

This friend has played an important part in her "finding herself" once again.

She stays with this friend often, but for complex reasons (reasons that I completely understand) (reasons that are legitimate and not just excuses) she cannot do anything permanent until September.

We talked about and cried over a person who plays a key role in her current situation.

She is tormented over the condition of this person's soul.

I am tormented over the condition of this person's soul.

I know in the future we will both pray that someone will come into __________ life and share Christ and He will be accepted.

She has a tremendous amount of compassion for others, including this one she needs separation from.

She recognizes Satan and how He is at work. There is a dying grandmother and a sister who has just been diagnosed with cancer in this person's life.

She understands total and complete separation from this person will have to take place.

Tomorrow is her last day at her full time job.

She is excited.

They are giving her a going away party.

She read me the e-mail she composed for her co-workers. She has a gift for words!

She starts a new part time job this week.

Her co-workers at the current job are sad about her leaving and her new co-workers are excited about her coming.  This tells so much about what kind of person she is.  People love her.

I love her!!

She knows there is a reason for her life going in the direction it did.  She accepts the fact that if she can save just one person from making the mistakes she did, it will have been worth it.

Her threshold for pain is minus zero.  I know this.  She knows this.

Still she desires to have a tattoo removed, one that could have an impact on her future, one that she is ashamed of.

She is in awe of how amazing God is.

She is aware of His timing.

She understands it was not until she reached this point that He would open the doors that have miraculously opened.   

Prior to tonight's conversation she had already shocked me with her willingness to give away some of her pets so she would not be hindered and could move forward with her plans. (I had the opportunity months ago to talk to her in length about this and at the time she was closed minded in regards to giving one of them up much less three)

Tonight came an even bigger shock.  She has been given an opportunity to give the one pet she vowed to never part with, a one hundred pound golden retriever, a home.  She recognizes this as another door God has opened and she is willing to walk through it.  The situation is so absolutely flawless for her and the dog.  I am amazed!

She begins school in August.

She possibly has another job opportunity that could be "just what the doctor ordered" while she is in school.

I know I will probably think of something else I will wish I had remembered while writing this, but I think you get the point.

I get the point.

O what a tender, compassionate friend-
He met the need of my heart;
Shadows dispelling, With joy I am telling
He made all the darkness depart!


Friday, June 25, 2010





I am not sure why I have never asked a friend with a grown child if they allow their imaginations to run as wild as I do on this matter:


Every time my son or daughter call me and their voice seems low or I think I hear a sound other than a clear voice on the other end, here is the image I see:

Their vehicle is mangled and in a ditch
They spot their cell phone and manage to reach it and
Punch in my number because it is the first one that comes to their mind
Just as I answer the phone, they can no longer stay conscious enough to talk
And now I am suppose to figure out where they are and go to them

Crazy or what?????

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


QUESTION: Who can you stand before with tears streaming down your face whining, complaining, begging, pleading, and spilling your heart out to for hours on end and they consider it to be music to their ears?


I had a "heart melting" moment this morning on my way to work while listening to this song and realizing how much He loves me!

God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a hallelujah sometimes.
God loves the drunkards cry,
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.

The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out, singing out.
Better than a Hallelujah somtimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.


Friday, June 18, 2010


I recently wrote this post where I talked about how I am sometimes tempted while out shopping to approach mothers who are not dealing very well with children who are misbehaving.


-Don't get upset over your child's restlessness. Playing is their favorite pastime, not shopping.
-Don't blame them for asking for toys, candy, etc.  When we see something and want it, we buy it.  They can't. They have to ask.  Besides that, the store designed the toy department especially for their viewing enjoyment. 
-Take advantage of having their face in yours. Plant kisses on it.
-Do not take this filled up little buggy seat for granted.  One day it will be empty.  Well, not entirely empty. It will keep your eggs safe, your purse nearby, and your bread from getting smashed. Trust me when I tell you that eggs and bread will never look into your eyes with all the love this world has to offer.


-Go ahead, buy them a toy. 


-If you have a child who is independent, be proud, they probably inherited it from you.
-Do not think an independent child does not need you.  They do!
-Do not fight it, just learn when and how to gently "reel" them in when necessary.
-Allow them to be the individual that God created them to be.
-If they are asking you for hot pink fingernail polish or fake tattoos, do not be overly concerned. It's ok if they like shiny, glittery things.
-This does not mean they will grow up to become someone you would have to pretend you did not know if you ran into them on a "street corner".
-Chances are their taste in fashion will probably change and eventually become more refined.
-Do not spend your weekend cleaning house, spend it with them.
-Do not let them grow up to only remember that you were a clean freak.
-Give them  memories of fun things you did together.
-THEY do not care if the house is clean and chances are no one else does.
-When they grow up and leave home, you will have all the time in the world to clean.
-And guess what? By then YOU will not care anymore.  
-Waste no time, and I repeat, no time in trying to prove ANYTHING to yourself or to others.
-Know when it is time to give up something and make necessary changes, even if the changes are major ones.
-Do not despair if they are followers and not leaders.
-Leaders need followers.
-Just pray more.
-Pray they will follow the right ones and into the right direction.
-Do not expect them to mimic your personality.
-They may have needs and desires completely opposite to yours.
-Let them express their personality through clothes and shoes that they get to pick out on occasion. 
-Let them decorate their own rooms.
-No one will think any less of your decorating abilities if they chose the latest Disney character as the theme.
-Let them be creative.
-Even if it means using markers, glitter, or play doh in the house.
-And if they have an indescribable love for animals, let them have a pet, a real pet.
-Forget about trying to keep your carpet looking new for a lifetime.
-Never expect them to understand how "good" they have it.
-Give them something to compare their life to.
-Do everything possible to take them on a foreign mission trip.
-Talk less.
-Listen more.
-Do not be a brick wall.
-Be a sifter.
-Help them to sort through all that life throws at them, teaching them to know what is worth keeping and what needs to be thrown out.
-Be consistent, and be constant.
-Be authoritative, but also be approachable.
-And last but definitely not least , love them like they will grow up and leave you one day.
-Because, guess what? They will.



Early this morning my daughter shared this dream with me that she had during the night:

She dreamed that I (her own mother) was MAKING her be a contestant in a débutante pageant.  She was furious with me because of it.  We showed up at this community center event with only thirty minutes to spare.  The other girls (the ones in the elegant, long, flowing gowns) were already lined up.  She took her place in line, AS A DÉBUTANTE,  sporting a red fuzzy vest with a long sleeve black t underneath and black leggings, but not before she touched up the bright orange polish that was chipped on her big toe nails that were sticking out of her black stilettos. (Like anyone would have gotten past the outfit to notice the chipped polish on her toe nails!)

Hahaha! You can't make this stuff up!!!

We laughed ourselves silly.

She told me the reason for the dream HAD to be because of a childhood memory; one she cannot keep suppressed; one that involves a hideous homemade cheerleader outfit and a homecoming court.  Let me explain. Briefly.

During her early elementary years she attended a private Christian school.  The dress code was extremely strict.  She was a cheerleader (along with her entire class of 10 or so) for the basketball team.  Their outfits were quite pathetic to say the least. Because of the school's strict dress code, everything these poor kids wore looked as if they were four or five sizes too big for them including the cheerleader outfit.  They  consisted of  over sized yellow sweatshirts and royal blue, homemade, as-ugly-as-you-can-get, below-the-knees, baggy culottes.

She and I attended this homecoming game together.  The second we entered the gymnasium a staff member "swooped" down on her desperately needing a "favor".  It appeared that one of the court members, the homecoming queen possibly (I can't remember) had gotten very ill at the last minute and was not able to attend.  She asked begged my daughter to fill in.  I still remember watching my daughter agonize over the decision.  She felt honored that they would ask her (what she did not realize was that the other two class mates who were also NOT a member of the court and who had also come dressed to cheer, had already said NO!!!) (Don't really know if this happened, just guessing!!) She also knew that the "sore thumb" sticking out of the "court" would be her.

Her one and maybe only chance for Cinderella-ism, only without the fairy god-mother, carriage, ball gown, or glass slippers.   

Can you imagine a mother allowing her precious little girl who LOVED to dress up in everything fancy to escort a homecoming king dressed in a suit and tie (who evidently could not walk without a girl on his arm) down the court in front of thousands hundreds OK tens of people dressed in a poorly homemade, over sized, down right UGLY cheerleader suit, tennis shoes, and white socks along side all the other "queens" in their ball gowns??  And did I mention that it was raining cats and dogs that evening.  We were both drenched.  

Well I can!

And I did!

And have pictures to prove it.  

Oh boy, is hind sight not 20-20 or what??

No wonder she is, 16 years later, still having nightmares!

Poor girl!

At least we can still laugh about it.

And laugh we did!!

And laughing with her is a good thing.

A very very good thing!!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010


Her first words as she walked in the door of my office yesterday waving her paperwork in front of me.  Needless to say she was excited over having just enrolled in school for the fall semester.  It has been her desire for a long time and now it had become a reality. 

I had to smile when she made the statement knowing what she meant: The smell! Nothing like the smell of freshly sharpened pencils!  Along with all the other school supplies that signify a brand new school year.  But for her, they signify so much more:

-A new beginning
-A fresh start
-An opportunity to get some things right, to do better
-Understanding that some things are not permanent
-Mistakes can be erased or forgiven
-A promising future ahead of her

She was unsettled during our visit, mainly due to excitement, but also due to so many uncertainties.  Over lunch and during the drive to and from we talked about some of the new challenges about to unfold for her.  I encouraged her to take one step at a time allowing God to lead and to try not to worry over all that lies ahead.  I know this will be difficult for her.  It will be difficult for me as well! 

Prayer  requests:

-That she will be able to get right back into the groove of school.
-That the part time job she has applied for will become available if it is the right thing for her to do
- Her finances (She has already paid off two of her three credit card debts.  I am so proud of her.)
-Good grades (Important for the degree she is pursuing)

There are SO many more and as time goes by, I would like to share specific ones with you.

Today; however; I am going to buy her some pencils!

Monday, June 14, 2010


He loves me anyway.  And He wanted me to know this.  He also wanted me to know that she does too.  At 3:14 I posted a prayer:

Help me to trust you even when I cannot reach out to her.  Capture her attention.  Please, God, give her a gift today.  Allow her to become overwhelmed with how much her mother loves her.  I do not know how you will accomplish this; I just know you can.

At 4:13 she sent me a text from work: I am going to be over your way tomorrow if you want to go eat lunch.

This may not be profound to anyone else, but it is to me!    

“For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth to shew himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect (made ready) toward him.” II Chronicles 16:9

Thank you, Father, for showing yourself strong in behalf of me today.  Thank you, for showing me that she held me in her heart and had me on her mind.  Only you knew how important it was for me to know that.


My husband and I were in town over the weekend and I saw a mom trying to deal with her two small children who obviously did not want to be riding around in a shopping cart in T.J. Maxx on a Sunday afternoon!! I made this statement to him (one that I have made many times before {usually to myself}, especially when I see the manner in which some mothers deal with their children out in public): "I wish I could do it all over again. I wish they were little again." And then he asked, "What would you do differently?"  My answer: ENJOY THEM MORE!!!!

I want to run up to these mothers and plead with them, "There are no second chances. They have only one childhood and you have only one time to get it right.  Don't mess it up!!!"  I don't of course, but I have been tempted more times than I care to mention.

On this journey, I never know what memories, emotions, or thoughts, I may face from day to day. Today for some reason I have shed tears filled with longings.

I miss her! She declined my invitation to meet us for church and lunch yesterday.

When things are not the way they should be between my daughter and myself I want to fix it. But I want to go back and fix the root of it. Satan begins to unveil ALL the mistakes I made as a mother. I know better than to listen, but sometimes the thoughts are too loud to drown out and the hurt is too deep to go away.

Please don't get me wrong. I was not a terrible mom! But, I also know I made mistakes along the way. I could make a list of them for you, but I will spare you.  Besides, it would not benefit me or her or anyone else whatsoever.  I truly believe this is not from God.

He does NOT want me to dwell on the "what ifs" or regrets; nor does He want me "stuck" in the past.  But rather, He would have me "moving" ahead, not repeating the same mistakes, but learning from them. And this is what I strive to do most of the time, honestly I do.  But on occasion "guilt" comes a-knocking and I foolishly let it in.

God, please clear my thoughts.  I do not want them given over to anything that would harm me.  The hours and minutes of THIS day are ticking away.  I want to enjoy them more!!  Help me to listen to my heart, the place where You dwell and He does not.  Help me to be better today than I was yesterday and to not make the same mistakes that I made yesterday.  Help me tomorrow that I will not regret today.

Help me to trust you even when I cannot reach out to her.  Capture her attention.  Please, God, give her a gift today.  Allow her to become overwhelmed with how much her mother loves her.  I do not know how you will accomplish this; I just know you can.

God, my past is just what it is: my past.  Help me to not be sad over it.  Help me to be glad in what I can accomplish, through you, in the days ahead of me. Help me as I strive to ENJOY THEM (my husband, son,  daughter, mom, dad, brother, other family members, friends, job, house, talents, abilities, and every other aspect of my life) MORE.


Sunday, June 13, 2010


Her Facebook status this morning:

Straight from her heart and Jeremiah 29:11

Learning that my "worry" about a situation isn't going to do anything to change it! I have had several things that I have been worried sick about "how am I going to do that?", "Or how am I going to make this work out?" And I am amazed as I am watching everything fall out of the blue into place before my eyes ....... Comforting to know that I was taken care of long before I was ever thought about. So why do I worry?! It is under control and my "help" is not needed!

For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me."

Saturday, June 12, 2010


"She is trying to find her way home"

Is what I wrote in my last post.

This morning I doubted those words. I feared it would never really happen.

And then God brought this song (one that I have not heard in a very long time) to my memory. I began humming the tune before I could even remember the words...


I’m pressing on the upward way,
New heights I’m gaining every day;
Still praying as I’m onward bound,
“Lord, plant my feet on higher ground.”

Lord, lift me up and let me stand,
By faith, on Heaven’s tableland,
A higher plane than I have found;
Lord, plant my feet on higher ground.

My heart has no desire to stay
Where doubts arise and fears dismay;
Though some may dwell where those abound,
My prayer, my aim, is higher ground.

I want to live above the world,
Though Satan’s darts at me are hurled;
For faith has caught the joyful sound,
The song of saints on higher ground.

I want to scale the utmost height
And catch a gleam of glory bright;
But still I’ll pray till heav’n I’ve found,
“Lord, plant my feet on higher ground.”

Friday, June 11, 2010


I woke very early this morning and had some quite time before I had to get out of bed.  My mind began to wander and here is one of the places it wandered to: A strange comparison of sorts.  

Chloe, my toy poodle, alerts us when an intruder walks or rolls onto our property.

She barks, she whines, she runs back and forth from the windows and doors, pants, growls, and jumps up and down. This behavior almost always gets our attention and causes us to investigate the cause of it.

And then we react:

-To a Friend: Open the door and welcome them inside. When she realizes we are ok with the visitor she then changes her tune. The distressed behavior turns into excitement. Her entire body begins to shake with it. Mom and Dad like them and so does she.

-To a Foe: (The "foe" has never been anything other than a stray animal: dog, cat, raccoon, chipmunk, or sometimes armadillo.) We usually try to scare the intruder away to quieten her down and with the safety of our cat in mind.

On occasion she has had the opportunity to confront the foe face to face instead of from behind a window pane.  She does so cautiously.  If the foe (usually a stray dog) appears friendly enough and accepts her presence she hangs close even after it decides to move on.  She  follows it and runs down the street, stopping occasionally to look back at us as we frantically and to the top of our lungs attempt to call her back.  She continues on, not knowing her destination or understanding the dangers that await her.  She is oblivious.  She follows the enemy out of her safety zone, into the busy street dodging huge things that could squash her and encountering those who would not waste time trying to fool her with masked friendliness, but rather devour her immediately. She does this without a single thought of the consequences or understanding that once she gets too far there may never be a turning point.  She does not consider that she would be solely responsible for her own physical needs. She does consider her mom and dad and how sad they would be and how much they would miss her and worry about her everyday.  She does this not understanding that her new companion does not really care about her or her well-being, only themselves.

How many times I have wished I could understand why she would be so willing to leave a place where she is so loved and taken care of!

Curiosity? To see if the grass is really greener on the other side? Adventure? Would she miss us?  Would she remember her wonderful life here?  Would she realize her mistake?  Would she try to find her way home? Would she find us?

After retrieving her more than once from this fate, our emotions have been mixed with relief, thankfulness, and anger.  Although the relief and thankfulness usually win out, she also gets scolded  for her disobedience.

And when she gets in trouble she pouts and acts like a child.  It is really funny.  She will not make eye contact with us.

Is she disappointed, mad, or too ashamed to look at us?

I cannot answer any of these questions for my little poodle.

However, my daughter could.

She knows!

-She understands the pull and intrigue of the enemy
-The tricks they used to lure her away
-And the world that enticed her
-She knows all the hows and whys
-And the color of the grass on the other side
-Yes, she does long for and miss our relationship (the way it should be and use to be)
-Yes, she remembers the comforts and security of home
-She does realize and understand her mistakes
-She is trying to find her way home
-She has traveled far and the journey back is long and difficult
-But she knows it is still possible
-Disappointed and mad? At herself!
-But mainly ashamed
-And also the reason for little eye contact and few words yesterday during our brief encounter


-She knows them both
-Having to learn the difference
-The most difficult part

Wednesday, June 9, 2010



(She is responding to a text message I sent her earlier today. I have not talked to her since she returned from the trip she took last week.)

"I love you too, mom. And you weren't the cause of it. ("It" being the guilt that overwhelmed her about the trip. See post entitled, "Denial" ) I'm the cause of it. No one can fight the battle but me and I am trying..."

I could say so much about this, but right now my heart is too heavy. I have a daughter out there in this cold, cruel world feeling alone, unsheltered, and vulnerable fighting the enemy with all her might and this mother cannot go rescue her.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010



Actually,our paths have crossed many times over the past decade or so, but we were nothing more than casual acquaintances, until recently that is. We are now kindred spirits who:

-Are close in age
-Live in the same town
-Actually in the same community
-Share the same Godly principles
-And family values
-And are married
-To our children's father
-Each have two children
-An older daughter and a younger son
-Who are the same age (late teens/early 20's)and
-Who share like personalities

It was not until AFTER our relationship changed that we discovered these similarities in our lives. They were NOT what brought us together. No, our spirits were bound because we both share so much more:

-Two babies and a desire to keep them forever safe and protected
-With the reality of knowing that we would not always be able to do this for them
-Devoted to teaching and preparing them for their futures
-Hopeful that they would always keep and use the knowledge they had been taught and the wisdom that was hidden in their hearts to stay protected
-Wanting victory
-Wanting truth, righteousness, preparation, faith, salvation, the Word, and prayer to be their shield
-Boldly displayed armors so that in a crowd it would cause them to stand out, but at the same time it would also protect them
-Standing on the sidelines
-Learning to let go, little by little
-Watching them soar
-And praying
-A glimpse of victory
-Blindsided by attacks,
-Bad decisions,
-Peer pressure,
-And rebellion
-Watching battle after battle play out in their lives
-Praying harder
-The bitter taste of defeat
-The desire to fight
-Weariness, wanting, at times, to throw in the towel and give up
-Floods of so many more emotions (too many to list)
-Working through each and every one of them sometimes over and over again
-Seriously considering possible alien abduction
-Not liking their replacements
-Knowing it was no longer a simple matter of kissing a bobo, placing a band-aid, or choosing which punishment to enforce: time-out, grounding, lecturing, or spanking
-Learning our place in the midst of it all
-Learning to stand firm on the Truth while trying to maintain a relationship with them
-Remembering God's way
-Unconditional love
-Learning to let go of the guilt and not blame ourselves
-Learning to deal with disappointment as we watch them sway back and forth while they deal with convictions and temptations
-Concern over how their futures will be affected
-At the same time, knowing God has a plan for them
-As well as for us
-Trusting Him with it
-Hopeful that some day they will want to and be able to use their stories to help others and share Christ
-In the meantime...
-Recognizing those He places in our path to help us along the way and those we can help
-Dealing with what comes our way the ONLY way we know how to
-Full of joy
-And thankfulness
-Yes, thankfulness...only through


Saturday, June 5, 2010


Came knocking on my door this morning and I let it in. Oh, how I wish I had not because it is not being my friend!

After a student/parent orientation that lasted all day yesterday, I feel a little tremendously weepy this morning as my thoughts are on this:

-A clean but EMPTY bedroom

-A clean but EMPTY bathroom

-An quite but EMPTY house

-Coming home from work to this entirely too clean, too quite, and empty house

-August 14 (move out day)

-Ole Miss

-An apartment

-Roommates other than mom and dad

-The aching and longing that I already know I will have to see him

-My "baby boy" four hours away from me

OK, I need to go have a good cry before he gets up. Hopefully it will make me feel better.(For a little while anyway)

Thursday, June 3, 2010


My step-mom has been sick for several weeks now and has been seeing a doctor. On Tuesday of last week she had some procedures performed to possibly find out the reason for her problems. I called and talked to my dad immediately after the procedures and have called and talked to him twice since then to check on her. According to him all went well, the tests showed nothing unusual and she was making vast improvements. This past Tuesday she had a follow up visit with her doctor to discuss the test results and follow up treatment. I called to get a report on how this went:

This time she answered the phone instead of my dad. She began telling me how the doctor wanted to proceed with diagnosing the mass found in her stomach as the initial biopsy was inconclusive. He wanted to send her to Oshsners Hospital for further biopsies. But in the end he agreed with her request to see a local surgeon and schedule surgery to have it removed. This would require hospitalization and a major operation.

The above is a summary of what took her several minutes to tell me all the while I am scratching my head. "Ok, how did I miss this? I have talked to dad three, THREE times since her out-patient procedures. Did she ask him not to say anything in the beginning? Did he forget to tell me? Did he in fact mention it and I forgot? Is this a new development, something she just found out today at her follow up visit?"

When I was finally able to ask her some of these questions, she responded: You have not talked to me. You have only talked to your dad. He has not told a single person.


She did not have an explanation, other than this: He lost his previous wife to a devastating cancer and his way of dealing with this diagnosis is to simply not talk about it. In other words:

DENIAL: Psychology. An unconscious defense mechanism characterized by refusal to acknowledge painful realities, thoughts, or feelings.

My dad, no matter how differently he may describe it, is in DENIAL. He would say it's nothing, they (the doctors) do not think it is anything to worry about, or everything is going to be ok. And while ALL of that may be true, the fact is: If he doesn't talk about it then it is not real.

Now, on a completely different note I am about to record a conversation I had with my daughter via text yesterday. It will not make sense to you without having knowledge of its origin and I apologize for that, but it is important for me to journal these kinds of things, in hopes that one day I/she can make sense of it all. I want to always remember the details, especially the magnitude of God as time and time again we have witnessed Him carry us through this journey.

ME: Do u think u could stay with (the dog) tomorrow night?

(We needed to go out of town for the evening , and I wanted her to stay at our house and dog-sit)

HER: I know this is going to upset you and I did not want to tell you because I knew it would but I feel guilty not telling you. I am going out of town until Monday. Leaving tomorrow. Have had it planned and paid for since January. Do not want to go anymore but don't want to throw the money down the drain. Torn. But don't have much longer.......I'm sorry and I love you.

ME: OK. Have had to read between the lines, but I guess it is what it is. Not upset. Love U 2.

HER: I know you are upset and disappointed. Have a right to be. Want to say I'm sorry but know those are shallow words. But believe me I am.

ME: ______, I don't view this any differently than your current living arrangement unless I am missing something here. I have come a long way in accepting the fact that I can do nothing about decisions u make, right or wrong ones. I will be very thankful when u turn ur back on the situation u r in right now, but until then I have to be content with how God has worked in ur heart already. Still praying because He is not finished with you yet. I love you.

{I am clueless as to what this actual trip is all about or where she is going, but I do have my suspicions about the guilt trip.}

As I dealt with the situation with my dad and step-mom during the first part of the week and as sad as the whole denial thing made me, I was reminded yesterday that I too have been a passenger aboard "SS DENIAL".

The opposite of DENIAL is acceptance. In a sense I have been in a state of denial throughout this journey. Denying it means that I refuse to accept it because accepting it would mean that I was OK with it.

Wow! I could be my own therapist!!

However, I refuse to DENY this: I want this journey to be over!

This: I realize that no matter how bad I want it to be over and want it to be only a memory and a tool for my daughter to use to benefit others, the fact is: It is NOT over.

And This: God has truly done a work in her, changing the desires of her heart.

This: She has not been willing to throw down and flee from her current situation and trust Him with the rest. She wants to plan and map out her future.

Or This: It saddens me to know she is missing out on seeing God do unimaginable things!

And especially this:He has a plan. She is part of it. He chose her. I am also a part of it. He chose me.

Or this: I do not want to miss out on what my part is.

But, mainly this: "Take, my brethren, the prophets, who have spoken in the name of the Lord, for an example of suffering affliction, and of patience. Behold, we count them happy which endure. Ye have heard of the patience of Job, and have seen the end of the Lord, that the Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy." James 5: 10-11