HER WORDS. NOT MINE.

Her Facebook status this morning:

Straight from her heart and Jeremiah 29:11

Learning that my "worry" about a situation isn't going to do anything to change it! I have had several things that I have been worried sick about "how am I going to do that?", "Or how am I going to make this work out?" And I am amazed as I am watching everything fall out of the blue into place before my eyes ....... Comforting to know that I was taken care of long before I was ever thought about. So why do I worry?! It is under control and my "help" is not needed!

For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me."

DOUBTS AROSE & FEARS DISMAYED

"She is trying to find her way home"

Is what I wrote in my last post.

This morning I doubted those words. I feared it would never really happen.

And then God brought this song (one that I have not heard in a very long time) to my memory. I began humming the tune before I could even remember the words...

HIGHER GROUND

I’m pressing on the upward way,
New heights I’m gaining every day;
Still praying as I’m onward bound,
“Lord, plant my feet on higher ground.”

Refrain:
Lord, lift me up and let me stand,
By faith, on Heaven’s tableland,
A higher plane than I have found;
Lord, plant my feet on higher ground.

My heart has no desire to stay
Where doubts arise and fears dismay;
Though some may dwell where those abound,
My prayer, my aim, is higher ground.

I want to live above the world,
Though Satan’s darts at me are hurled;
For faith has caught the joyful sound,
The song of saints on higher ground.

I want to scale the utmost height
And catch a gleam of glory bright;
But still I’ll pray till heav’n I’ve found,
“Lord, plant my feet on higher ground.”

FRIEND OR FOE

I woke very early this morning and had some quite time before I had to get out of bed.  My mind began to wander and here is one of the places it wandered to: A strange comparison of sorts.  

Chloe, my toy poodle, alerts us when an intruder walks or rolls onto our property.

She barks, she whines, she runs back and forth from the windows and doors, pants, growls, and jumps up and down. This behavior almost always gets our attention and causes us to investigate the cause of it.

And then we react:

-To a Friend: Open the door and welcome them inside. When she realizes we are ok with the visitor she then changes her tune. The distressed behavior turns into excitement. Her entire body begins to shake with it. Mom and Dad like them and so does she.

-To a Foe: (The "foe" has never been anything other than a stray animal: dog, cat, raccoon, chipmunk, or sometimes armadillo.) We usually try to scare the intruder away to quieten her down and with the safety of our cat in mind.

On occasion she has had the opportunity to confront the foe face to face instead of from behind a window pane.  She does so cautiously.  If the foe (usually a stray dog) appears friendly enough and accepts her presence she hangs close even after it decides to move on.  She  follows it and runs down the street, stopping occasionally to look back at us as we frantically and to the top of our lungs attempt to call her back.  She continues on, not knowing her destination or understanding the dangers that await her.  She is oblivious.  She follows the enemy out of her safety zone, into the busy street dodging huge things that could squash her and encountering those who would not waste time trying to fool her with masked friendliness, but rather devour her immediately. She does this without a single thought of the consequences or understanding that once she gets too far there may never be a turning point.  She does not consider that she would be solely responsible for her own physical needs. She does consider her mom and dad and how sad they would be and how much they would miss her and worry about her everyday.  She does this not understanding that her new companion does not really care about her or her well-being, only themselves.

How many times I have wished I could understand why she would be so willing to leave a place where she is so loved and taken care of!

Curiosity? To see if the grass is really greener on the other side? Adventure? Would she miss us?  Would she remember her wonderful life here?  Would she realize her mistake?  Would she try to find her way home? Would she find us?

After retrieving her more than once from this fate, our emotions have been mixed with relief, thankfulness, and anger.  Although the relief and thankfulness usually win out, she also gets scolded  for her disobedience.

And when she gets in trouble she pouts and acts like a child.  It is really funny.  She will not make eye contact with us.

Is she disappointed, mad, or too ashamed to look at us?

I cannot answer any of these questions for my little poodle.

However, my daughter could.

She knows!

-She understands the pull and intrigue of the enemy
-The tricks they used to lure her away
-And the world that enticed her
-She knows all the hows and whys
-And the color of the grass on the other side
-Yes, she does long for and miss our relationship (the way it should be and use to be)
-Yes, she remembers the comforts and security of home
-She does realize and understand her mistakes
-She is trying to find her way home
-She has traveled far and the journey back is long and difficult
-But she knows it is still possible
-Disappointed and mad? At herself!
-But mainly ashamed
-And also the reason for little eye contact and few words yesterday during our brief encounter

FRIEND OR FOE??

-She knows them both
-Having to learn the difference
-The most difficult part

A PROFOUND STATEMENT

FROM A PROFOUND DAUGHTER:

(She is responding to a text message I sent her earlier today. I have not talked to her since she returned from the trip she took last week.)

"I love you too, mom. And you weren't the cause of it. ("It" being the guilt that overwhelmed her about the trip. See post entitled, "Denial" ) I'm the cause of it. No one can fight the battle but me and I am trying..."

I could say so much about this, but right now my heart is too heavy. I have a daughter out there in this cold, cruel world feeling alone, unsheltered, and vulnerable fighting the enemy with all her might and this mother cannot go rescue her.

THE TIES THAT BIND

I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT A NEW FRIEND.

Actually,our paths have crossed many times over the past decade or so, but we were nothing more than casual acquaintances, until recently that is. We are now kindred spirits who:

-Are close in age
-Live in the same town
-Actually in the same community
-Share the same Godly principles
-And family values
-And are married
-To our children's father
-Each have two children
-An older daughter and a younger son
-Who are the same age (late teens/early 20's)and
-Who share like personalities

It was not until AFTER our relationship changed that we discovered these similarities in our lives. They were NOT what brought us together. No, our spirits were bound because we both share so much more:

-Two babies and a desire to keep them forever safe and protected
-With the reality of knowing that we would not always be able to do this for them
-Devoted to teaching and preparing them for their futures
-Hopeful that they would always keep and use the knowledge they had been taught and the wisdom that was hidden in their hearts to stay protected
-Wanting victory
-Wanting truth, righteousness, preparation, faith, salvation, the Word, and prayer to be their shield
-Boldly displayed armors so that in a crowd it would cause them to stand out, but at the same time it would also protect them
-Standing on the sidelines
-Learning to let go, little by little
-Watching them soar
-Cheering
-And praying
-A glimpse of victory
-Blindsided by attacks,
-Distractions,
-Temptations,
-Bad decisions,
-Peer pressure,
-And rebellion
-Watching battle after battle play out in their lives
-Crying
-Praying harder
-The bitter taste of defeat
-Disbelief
-Numbness
-Anger
-Confusion
-Guilt
-Disappointment
-Sadness
-Shame
-The desire to fight
-Weariness, wanting, at times, to throw in the towel and give up
-Floods of so many more emotions (too many to list)
-Working through each and every one of them sometimes over and over again
-Seriously considering possible alien abduction
-Not liking their replacements
-Knowing it was no longer a simple matter of kissing a bobo, placing a band-aid, or choosing which punishment to enforce: time-out, grounding, lecturing, or spanking
-Learning our place in the midst of it all
-Learning to stand firm on the Truth while trying to maintain a relationship with them
-Remembering God's way
-Forgiveness
-Unconditional love
-Learning to let go of the guilt and not blame ourselves
-Learning to deal with disappointment as we watch them sway back and forth while they deal with convictions and temptations
-Watching
-Waiting
-Concern over how their futures will be affected
-At the same time, knowing God has a plan for them
-As well as for us
-Trusting Him with it
-Hopeful that some day they will want to and be able to use their stories to help others and share Christ
-In the meantime...
-Recognizing those He places in our path to help us along the way and those we can help
-Dealing with what comes our way the ONLY way we know how to
-Full of joy
-Peace
-Long-suffering
-Gentleness
-Goodness
-Meekness
-Temperance
-And thankfulness
-Yes, thankfulness...only through
-Him



EVEN THOUGH THIS IS NOT A PATH EITHER ONE OF US WANT TO BE ON, THANK YOU MY FRIEND, FOR SHARING AND CARING.

REALITY

Came knocking on my door this morning and I let it in. Oh, how I wish I had not because it is not being my friend!

After a student/parent orientation that lasted all day yesterday, I feel a little tremendously weepy this morning as my thoughts are on this:

-A clean but EMPTY bedroom

-A clean but EMPTY bathroom

-An quite but EMPTY house

-Coming home from work to this entirely too clean, too quite, and empty house

-August 14 (move out day)

-Ole Miss

-An apartment

-Roommates other than mom and dad

-The aching and longing that I already know I will have to see him

-My "baby boy" four hours away from me

OK, I need to go have a good cry before he gets up. Hopefully it will make me feel better.(For a little while anyway)

DENIAL

My step-mom has been sick for several weeks now and has been seeing a doctor. On Tuesday of last week she had some procedures performed to possibly find out the reason for her problems. I called and talked to my dad immediately after the procedures and have called and talked to him twice since then to check on her. According to him all went well, the tests showed nothing unusual and she was making vast improvements. This past Tuesday she had a follow up visit with her doctor to discuss the test results and follow up treatment. I called to get a report on how this went:

This time she answered the phone instead of my dad. She began telling me how the doctor wanted to proceed with diagnosing the mass found in her stomach as the initial biopsy was inconclusive. He wanted to send her to Oshsners Hospital for further biopsies. But in the end he agreed with her request to see a local surgeon and schedule surgery to have it removed. This would require hospitalization and a major operation.

The above is a summary of what took her several minutes to tell me all the while I am scratching my head. "Ok, how did I miss this? I have talked to dad three, THREE times since her out-patient procedures. Did she ask him not to say anything in the beginning? Did he forget to tell me? Did he in fact mention it and I forgot? Is this a new development, something she just found out today at her follow up visit?"

When I was finally able to ask her some of these questions, she responded: You have not talked to me. You have only talked to your dad. He has not told a single person.

WHY?

She did not have an explanation, other than this: He lost his previous wife to a devastating cancer and his way of dealing with this diagnosis is to simply not talk about it. In other words:

DENIAL: Psychology. An unconscious defense mechanism characterized by refusal to acknowledge painful realities, thoughts, or feelings.

My dad, no matter how differently he may describe it, is in DENIAL. He would say it's nothing, they (the doctors) do not think it is anything to worry about, or everything is going to be ok. And while ALL of that may be true, the fact is: If he doesn't talk about it then it is not real.

Now, on a completely different note I am about to record a conversation I had with my daughter via text yesterday. It will not make sense to you without having knowledge of its origin and I apologize for that, but it is important for me to journal these kinds of things, in hopes that one day I/she can make sense of it all. I want to always remember the details, especially the magnitude of God as time and time again we have witnessed Him carry us through this journey.

ME: Do u think u could stay with (the dog) tomorrow night?

(We needed to go out of town for the evening , and I wanted her to stay at our house and dog-sit)

HER: I know this is going to upset you and I did not want to tell you because I knew it would but I feel guilty not telling you. I am going out of town until Monday. Leaving tomorrow. Have had it planned and paid for since January. Do not want to go anymore but don't want to throw the money down the drain. Torn. But don't have much longer.......I'm sorry and I love you.

ME: OK. Have had to read between the lines, but I guess it is what it is. Not upset. Love U 2.

HER: I know you are upset and disappointed. Have a right to be. Want to say I'm sorry but know those are shallow words. But believe me I am.

ME: ______, I don't view this any differently than your current living arrangement unless I am missing something here. I have come a long way in accepting the fact that I can do nothing about decisions u make, right or wrong ones. I will be very thankful when u turn ur back on the situation u r in right now, but until then I have to be content with how God has worked in ur heart already. Still praying because He is not finished with you yet. I love you.

{I am clueless as to what this actual trip is all about or where she is going, but I do have my suspicions about the guilt trip.}

As I dealt with the situation with my dad and step-mom during the first part of the week and as sad as the whole denial thing made me, I was reminded yesterday that I too have been a passenger aboard "SS DENIAL".

The opposite of DENIAL is acceptance. In a sense I have been in a state of denial throughout this journey. Denying it means that I refuse to accept it because accepting it would mean that I was OK with it.

Wow! I could be my own therapist!!

However, I refuse to DENY this: I want this journey to be over!

This: I realize that no matter how bad I want it to be over and want it to be only a memory and a tool for my daughter to use to benefit others, the fact is: It is NOT over.

And This: God has truly done a work in her, changing the desires of her heart.

This: She has not been willing to throw down and flee from her current situation and trust Him with the rest. She wants to plan and map out her future.

Or This: It saddens me to know she is missing out on seeing God do unimaginable things!

And especially this:He has a plan. She is part of it. He chose her. I am also a part of it. He chose me.

Or this: I do not want to miss out on what my part is.

But, mainly this: "Take, my brethren, the prophets, who have spoken in the name of the Lord, for an example of suffering affliction, and of patience. Behold, we count them happy which endure. Ye have heard of the patience of Job, and have seen the end of the Lord, that the Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy." James 5: 10-11