DENIAL

My step-mom has been sick for several weeks now and has been seeing a doctor. On Tuesday of last week she had some procedures performed to possibly find out the reason for her problems. I called and talked to my dad immediately after the procedures and have called and talked to him twice since then to check on her. According to him all went well, the tests showed nothing unusual and she was making vast improvements. This past Tuesday she had a follow up visit with her doctor to discuss the test results and follow up treatment. I called to get a report on how this went:

This time she answered the phone instead of my dad. She began telling me how the doctor wanted to proceed with diagnosing the mass found in her stomach as the initial biopsy was inconclusive. He wanted to send her to Oshsners Hospital for further biopsies. But in the end he agreed with her request to see a local surgeon and schedule surgery to have it removed. This would require hospitalization and a major operation.

The above is a summary of what took her several minutes to tell me all the while I am scratching my head. "Ok, how did I miss this? I have talked to dad three, THREE times since her out-patient procedures. Did she ask him not to say anything in the beginning? Did he forget to tell me? Did he in fact mention it and I forgot? Is this a new development, something she just found out today at her follow up visit?"

When I was finally able to ask her some of these questions, she responded: You have not talked to me. You have only talked to your dad. He has not told a single person.

WHY?

She did not have an explanation, other than this: He lost his previous wife to a devastating cancer and his way of dealing with this diagnosis is to simply not talk about it. In other words:

DENIAL: Psychology. An unconscious defense mechanism characterized by refusal to acknowledge painful realities, thoughts, or feelings.

My dad, no matter how differently he may describe it, is in DENIAL. He would say it's nothing, they (the doctors) do not think it is anything to worry about, or everything is going to be ok. And while ALL of that may be true, the fact is: If he doesn't talk about it then it is not real.

Now, on a completely different note I am about to record a conversation I had with my daughter via text yesterday. It will not make sense to you without having knowledge of its origin and I apologize for that, but it is important for me to journal these kinds of things, in hopes that one day I/she can make sense of it all. I want to always remember the details, especially the magnitude of God as time and time again we have witnessed Him carry us through this journey.

ME: Do u think u could stay with (the dog) tomorrow night?

(We needed to go out of town for the evening , and I wanted her to stay at our house and dog-sit)

HER: I know this is going to upset you and I did not want to tell you because I knew it would but I feel guilty not telling you. I am going out of town until Monday. Leaving tomorrow. Have had it planned and paid for since January. Do not want to go anymore but don't want to throw the money down the drain. Torn. But don't have much longer.......I'm sorry and I love you.

ME: OK. Have had to read between the lines, but I guess it is what it is. Not upset. Love U 2.

HER: I know you are upset and disappointed. Have a right to be. Want to say I'm sorry but know those are shallow words. But believe me I am.

ME: ______, I don't view this any differently than your current living arrangement unless I am missing something here. I have come a long way in accepting the fact that I can do nothing about decisions u make, right or wrong ones. I will be very thankful when u turn ur back on the situation u r in right now, but until then I have to be content with how God has worked in ur heart already. Still praying because He is not finished with you yet. I love you.

{I am clueless as to what this actual trip is all about or where she is going, but I do have my suspicions about the guilt trip.}

As I dealt with the situation with my dad and step-mom during the first part of the week and as sad as the whole denial thing made me, I was reminded yesterday that I too have been a passenger aboard "SS DENIAL".

The opposite of DENIAL is acceptance. In a sense I have been in a state of denial throughout this journey. Denying it means that I refuse to accept it because accepting it would mean that I was OK with it.

Wow! I could be my own therapist!!

However, I refuse to DENY this: I want this journey to be over!

This: I realize that no matter how bad I want it to be over and want it to be only a memory and a tool for my daughter to use to benefit others, the fact is: It is NOT over.

And This: God has truly done a work in her, changing the desires of her heart.

This: She has not been willing to throw down and flee from her current situation and trust Him with the rest. She wants to plan and map out her future.

Or This: It saddens me to know she is missing out on seeing God do unimaginable things!

And especially this:He has a plan. She is part of it. He chose her. I am also a part of it. He chose me.

Or this: I do not want to miss out on what my part is.

But, mainly this: "Take, my brethren, the prophets, who have spoken in the name of the Lord, for an example of suffering affliction, and of patience. Behold, we count them happy which endure. Ye have heard of the patience of Job, and have seen the end of the Lord, that the Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy." James 5: 10-11