Sometimes my heart fills with emotions such as grief, sorrow, joy, or gratitude; the dam breaks; and my tears are the overflow.
This morning I was….
-AT HIS FEET
-ON MY KNEES
-BEFORE HIS THRONE
-BOWED IN HIS PRESENCE
-LOVING HIM
-DESIRING HIS COMFORT
-AMAZED THAT HE LOVES ME
-THANKFUL THAT HE DOES
-HUMBLED THAT HE CARES
-THANKFUL THAT HE DOES
-LONGING TO TOUCH HIS FACE
-SORRY THAT HE SUFFERED
-UNDERSTANDING WHY HE DID
-CONCERNED FOR THOSE WHO DO NOT KNOW HIM
....as I drove to work. My heart spilled over with love,the dam broke, and the tears flowed.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
0% COMMENTS = 100% HUMILITY
I told myself I was not going to blog about, "Julie & Julia". I have read many posts dedicated to this movie, and while I enjoyed each and every one of them, I decided that is was an exhausted topic and what more could I possibly add? BUT, for some reason I have not been able to get one part of it off my mind. So, here is a "Never-say-never":
My husband and I saw the movie two weeks ago and we both liked it very much, not to say we LOVED it! Julie had a mission and was determined to see it through. It was almost exhausting watching her as she worked at her full time job, worked on her seemingly impossible "mission" every single day, and then blogged about it every single night, she had to find time to grocery shop daily, clean up her mess nightly, not to mention she had a husband, apartment, and a cat to take care of, and she entertained frequently. Whew!
At the beginning of her blogging journey she was very much aware that no one was commenting on her posts. She even, at one point, accepted the fact that no one else in the whole world would probably ever know or care about it or what it was she was trying to accomplish. But, she kept on, knowing that if no other soul ever found out, it would be ok, because after all, this was something she was doing for herself. This was the part of the movie when I felt like a spotlight had landed directly above my head for everyone in the entire movie theater to see just how much I could relate to what she was feeling. From a human standpoint, I guess we all want proof that someone out there cares or is interested in what we are trying to accomplish.
In my prayer time this morning, I asked God to allow me to continually be mindful that He will direct the path of this blog. I asked for His protection on it, for the eyes of those who read it, and for the hearts of those who may be touched by it. I truly believe He has orchestrated every moment so far: from the passion He gave me to create it, to the idea for the title (which, by the way, I still have not shared, but promise to do so in the future), to the words that feel like they are going to burst out of my head until I can get them posted. Like Julie, I know in my heart this is something I need to do. It may be meant for me and me alone, for my daughter in the future, for no one else. I do not know, but I am certain of this one thing: God has a plan, and I want to be a part of it.
Presently, at 0% comments, I will practice 100% humility!
My husband and I saw the movie two weeks ago and we both liked it very much, not to say we LOVED it! Julie had a mission and was determined to see it through. It was almost exhausting watching her as she worked at her full time job, worked on her seemingly impossible "mission" every single day, and then blogged about it every single night, she had to find time to grocery shop daily, clean up her mess nightly, not to mention she had a husband, apartment, and a cat to take care of, and she entertained frequently. Whew!
At the beginning of her blogging journey she was very much aware that no one was commenting on her posts. She even, at one point, accepted the fact that no one else in the whole world would probably ever know or care about it or what it was she was trying to accomplish. But, she kept on, knowing that if no other soul ever found out, it would be ok, because after all, this was something she was doing for herself. This was the part of the movie when I felt like a spotlight had landed directly above my head for everyone in the entire movie theater to see just how much I could relate to what she was feeling. From a human standpoint, I guess we all want proof that someone out there cares or is interested in what we are trying to accomplish.
In my prayer time this morning, I asked God to allow me to continually be mindful that He will direct the path of this blog. I asked for His protection on it, for the eyes of those who read it, and for the hearts of those who may be touched by it. I truly believe He has orchestrated every moment so far: from the passion He gave me to create it, to the idea for the title (which, by the way, I still have not shared, but promise to do so in the future), to the words that feel like they are going to burst out of my head until I can get them posted. Like Julie, I know in my heart this is something I need to do. It may be meant for me and me alone, for my daughter in the future, for no one else. I do not know, but I am certain of this one thing: God has a plan, and I want to be a part of it.
Presently, at 0% comments, I will practice 100% humility!
Monday, August 24, 2009
DEFINING MOMENTS
GRIEF: Intense mental anguish; deep remorse; acute sorrow
ME, AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS JOURNEY : Grief stricken
An aunt died this past June. I attended her funeral and watched her children, grandchildren, sibling, etc. grieve. Without a doubt their feelings were intense, deep, and acute, with only time to help them subside. They will always remember her, they will always miss her, and they will always cling to the hope of seeing her again.
At the beginning of my journey and for a very long time afterward, I was grief stricken. It was an eruption that was more apparent and lasted longer than any other feeling or emotion I had ever experienced. I felt the intense mental anguish, the deep remorse, and the acute sorrow and could not understand why. I knew it had to match the feelings of loosing a child to death, but I had not, so why? Why was I grief stricken?
It all made sense to me when I finally learned why, and that my feelings were perfectly normal. In a way, I had lost something. I had lost an entire lifetime of longings, desires, and dreams that only a mother could have for her daughter. And now they lay before me folded like a piece of paper jammed in a copy machine, accordion-like!
In time, thankfully, my feelings of grief became less and less intense, deep, and acute, but as far as my longings, desires and dreams for her: They will always be remembered, they will always be missed, and they will always be hoped for.
PEACE: A calm and quite state
ME, AT THE PRESENT TIME: Peaceful
There are people in our lives that we chose not to share our situation with and they never saw me grieve. There are those who knew, but never saw me grieve. There are actually only a very few who ever saw and truly felt my pain. It occurred to me one day that if those who never saw me grieve learned of the situation right now, they may possibly mistake the peace in my life for acceptance.
The journey between grief stricken and peacefulness has been long and turbulent, and I no longer have an acceptance of the situation than on day one. God has given me an unexplainable calm and quite state that I did not understand in the beginning. I felt guilty for not crying, for not feeling stirred, or for feeling nothing at all. From time to time, the grief resurfaces. Thankfully it does not stay around long, but I have learned to accept it as a time to step up my prayers for my daughter. It is during these times that I feel vulnerable and closer to God as He comforts me through it.
I have also come to accept that it is during the calm and quite times that God is carrying my load and I am reminded once again that His yoke is easy and His burden light.
ME, AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS JOURNEY : Grief stricken
An aunt died this past June. I attended her funeral and watched her children, grandchildren, sibling, etc. grieve. Without a doubt their feelings were intense, deep, and acute, with only time to help them subside. They will always remember her, they will always miss her, and they will always cling to the hope of seeing her again.
At the beginning of my journey and for a very long time afterward, I was grief stricken. It was an eruption that was more apparent and lasted longer than any other feeling or emotion I had ever experienced. I felt the intense mental anguish, the deep remorse, and the acute sorrow and could not understand why. I knew it had to match the feelings of loosing a child to death, but I had not, so why? Why was I grief stricken?
It all made sense to me when I finally learned why, and that my feelings were perfectly normal. In a way, I had lost something. I had lost an entire lifetime of longings, desires, and dreams that only a mother could have for her daughter. And now they lay before me folded like a piece of paper jammed in a copy machine, accordion-like!
In time, thankfully, my feelings of grief became less and less intense, deep, and acute, but as far as my longings, desires and dreams for her: They will always be remembered, they will always be missed, and they will always be hoped for.
PEACE: A calm and quite state
ME, AT THE PRESENT TIME: Peaceful
There are people in our lives that we chose not to share our situation with and they never saw me grieve. There are those who knew, but never saw me grieve. There are actually only a very few who ever saw and truly felt my pain. It occurred to me one day that if those who never saw me grieve learned of the situation right now, they may possibly mistake the peace in my life for acceptance.
The journey between grief stricken and peacefulness has been long and turbulent, and I no longer have an acceptance of the situation than on day one. God has given me an unexplainable calm and quite state that I did not understand in the beginning. I felt guilty for not crying, for not feeling stirred, or for feeling nothing at all. From time to time, the grief resurfaces. Thankfully it does not stay around long, but I have learned to accept it as a time to step up my prayers for my daughter. It is during these times that I feel vulnerable and closer to God as He comforts me through it.
I have also come to accept that it is during the calm and quite times that God is carrying my load and I am reminded once again that His yoke is easy and His burden light.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
ROUND TWO
And it came to pass:
-The period of rebellion
-The doubts and fears she experienced about her salvation
-Completion of high school and a huge celebration with family
and friends
-A graduation gift: something she wanted and had dreamed of
for several years: minor cosmetic surgery
-College enrollment
-The first time to drive her new car
-Acquiring her first part time job
I settled into a front row seat, excited about everything good and wonderful that lay ahead of her, not wanting to miss seeing one moment of it.
And then things went terribly wrong, and I went numb.
AGAIN!
She became distant. She removed herself from us physically, as well as, emotionally. She became moody, argumentative, and despondent. Her entire personality changed.
AGAIN!
In a previous post, I stated that I experienced shock, not once but twice, but I am not so sure I can describe the feelings this time around as shock. I think they were more on the lines of disbelief, a denial of sense. This cannot be happening!
AGAIN!
I tried to tell myself that it was all nonsense. I thought I could fix it, and somehow make it all go away, one way or the other. I tried to retrace my steps, by taking her to counseling, but to no avail. This time she had a nineteen year old heart and a nineteen year old mind to “follow the crowd” and not a thirteen year old one, making it tremendously more complicated and difficult. I remember feeling defeated, not sure I had the endurance or strength to do it all.
AGAIN!
I knew I could no longer be a spectator in her life, but a participant, trying to figure out how to save my daughter
ONCE AGAIN!
-The period of rebellion
-The doubts and fears she experienced about her salvation
-Completion of high school and a huge celebration with family
and friends
-A graduation gift: something she wanted and had dreamed of
for several years: minor cosmetic surgery
-College enrollment
-The first time to drive her new car
-Acquiring her first part time job
I settled into a front row seat, excited about everything good and wonderful that lay ahead of her, not wanting to miss seeing one moment of it.
And then things went terribly wrong, and I went numb.
AGAIN!
She became distant. She removed herself from us physically, as well as, emotionally. She became moody, argumentative, and despondent. Her entire personality changed.
AGAIN!
In a previous post, I stated that I experienced shock, not once but twice, but I am not so sure I can describe the feelings this time around as shock. I think they were more on the lines of disbelief, a denial of sense. This cannot be happening!
AGAIN!
I tried to tell myself that it was all nonsense. I thought I could fix it, and somehow make it all go away, one way or the other. I tried to retrace my steps, by taking her to counseling, but to no avail. This time she had a nineteen year old heart and a nineteen year old mind to “follow the crowd” and not a thirteen year old one, making it tremendously more complicated and difficult. I remember feeling defeated, not sure I had the endurance or strength to do it all.
AGAIN!
I knew I could no longer be a spectator in her life, but a participant, trying to figure out how to save my daughter
ONCE AGAIN!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY
Dear B,
30 years and 30 memories or milestones later…some are huge, some are tiny, some made us cry, some laugh, some both! But, the one thing they all have in common is that each and every one of these events and so, so many more have defined our lives together, and have helped to make us who we are today.
1. August 18, 1979
2. Disney World Honeymoon and Freddie BoomBoom
3. Fairchild Drive
4. The lack of parking spaces at USM
5. Geology/Switzerland
6. A spinal cord tumor
7. Two hobos at Halloween
8. The Sight Seer Trip from you know where
9. Moving out of Pine Haven - 5 years after moving in
10. S 19th Avenue
11. Sunset Drive
12. A baby girl
13. A baby boy
14. The years worshiping at BBC
15. Their baptismal
16. The Cox family
17. George Street and building a house
18. Thirty Christmases
19. Piano recitals , baseball games
20. Elaine
21. Your dad
22. Katrina
23. Niagara Falls
24. Alco
25. A new job
26. Chloe
27. LRRBC
28. Our journey with our daughter
29. Our journey with your mom
30. A new quest: seeking God for a new church, possibly a new address, and direction for the next 30!
I LOVE YOU! L
Dear God,
Thank you for him, for the past thirty years, and for the security of his love and devotion. God, we have had our share of “mountain tops“, as well as, “valleys“, but you have never left us and have always made us better because of them. We look to you and trust you to carry us through the journey we are currently on with our precious daughter. Thank you for allowing us to feel your pain, the pain you feel when one of your children has left the security of your arms. Bring her back home to us and to the security of your arms.
God we have watched you close and open many doors. Carry us through the next years of our lives together as we seek your guidance and your will. We will be careful to try not to blow through the opened doors, not taking the time to see you standing there holding them open for us, or plow through the closed ones wanting our way and not yours. You have blessed our lives in ways that we never deserved. I love you, L
30 years and 30 memories or milestones later…some are huge, some are tiny, some made us cry, some laugh, some both! But, the one thing they all have in common is that each and every one of these events and so, so many more have defined our lives together, and have helped to make us who we are today.
1. August 18, 1979
2. Disney World Honeymoon and Freddie BoomBoom
3. Fairchild Drive
4. The lack of parking spaces at USM
5. Geology/Switzerland
6. A spinal cord tumor
7. Two hobos at Halloween
8. The Sight Seer Trip from you know where
9. Moving out of Pine Haven - 5 years after moving in
10. S 19th Avenue
11. Sunset Drive
12. A baby girl
13. A baby boy
14. The years worshiping at BBC
15. Their baptismal
16. The Cox family
17. George Street and building a house
18. Thirty Christmases
19. Piano recitals , baseball games
20. Elaine
21. Your dad
22. Katrina
23. Niagara Falls
24. Alco
25. A new job
26. Chloe
27. LRRBC
28. Our journey with our daughter
29. Our journey with your mom
30. A new quest: seeking God for a new church, possibly a new address, and direction for the next 30!
I LOVE YOU! L
Dear God,
Thank you for him, for the past thirty years, and for the security of his love and devotion. God, we have had our share of “mountain tops“, as well as, “valleys“, but you have never left us and have always made us better because of them. We look to you and trust you to carry us through the journey we are currently on with our precious daughter. Thank you for allowing us to feel your pain, the pain you feel when one of your children has left the security of your arms. Bring her back home to us and to the security of your arms.
God we have watched you close and open many doors. Carry us through the next years of our lives together as we seek your guidance and your will. We will be careful to try not to blow through the opened doors, not taking the time to see you standing there holding them open for us, or plow through the closed ones wanting our way and not yours. You have blessed our lives in ways that we never deserved. I love you, L
Monday, August 17, 2009
KEEPING IT “REAL”
Thankfully, there are people who have everything in their own lives in check, so much so, that they are able to keep the rest of us abreast as to what is going on in ours. Why, just last night I encountered such a person as this.
Here is what I THOUGHT I knew:
1. My husband lost his job of 25 years due to corporate restructuring throughout the company.
2. He took a job in the New Orleans area.
3. He wanted to keep and maintain our home in Mississippi (at least for now) while he travels back and forth.
4. We spend weekends in New Orleans on occasion just because we enjoy it and have a place to stay.
5. The direction my daughter has taken in her life. (keeping in mind that we have muddled through it for the past two years)
6. The picture I carried in my Bible for a little while was the one of my great niece.
7. The reasons we left our church home. (They were strictly between my husband and I, but was never based on anything we or a family member ever did. It was a personal decision and we felt it in the best interest of our spiritual well being to leave.)
Here is what I NOW know:
1. My daughter had a baby.
2. This baby is a well-kept secret.
3. My husband and I are in New Orleans with this baby, hiding it’s existence from all those we love and who would love it.
4. The picture that I carried, the one that was seen by this person, is a picture of this precious grand baby.
5. I never showed it to anyone. So, if you happened to see it, it was truly by accident.
6. The job here is a cover-up.
7. We left our church before the scandal was uncovered.
I KID YOU NOT!
But, this is only part of the story. The “all-knowing” individual shared her information with a very close family member. After getting the shock affect desired, she then apologized with this, “I just assumed you knew.” First of all, the “informed” family member is physically ill, as well as, suffering from dementia. We are VERY cautious about what WE share. Secondly, why tell someone something if you think they already know it? Thirdly, why not keep your mouth shut unless you are 100 percent sure that what is coming out of it is truth.
Am I angry? The knowledge this one thinks she possesses is so ridiculous, it made me laugh, and is as far from the truth as just about anything I have heard lately. No, not angry, just amazed and full of pity for someone who while actually destroying their own testimony, thinks they are destroying someone else’s.
Here is what I THOUGHT I knew:
1. My husband lost his job of 25 years due to corporate restructuring throughout the company.
2. He took a job in the New Orleans area.
3. He wanted to keep and maintain our home in Mississippi (at least for now) while he travels back and forth.
4. We spend weekends in New Orleans on occasion just because we enjoy it and have a place to stay.
5. The direction my daughter has taken in her life. (keeping in mind that we have muddled through it for the past two years)
6. The picture I carried in my Bible for a little while was the one of my great niece.
7. The reasons we left our church home. (They were strictly between my husband and I, but was never based on anything we or a family member ever did. It was a personal decision and we felt it in the best interest of our spiritual well being to leave.)
Here is what I NOW know:
1. My daughter had a baby.
2. This baby is a well-kept secret.
3. My husband and I are in New Orleans with this baby, hiding it’s existence from all those we love and who would love it.
4. The picture that I carried, the one that was seen by this person, is a picture of this precious grand baby.
5. I never showed it to anyone. So, if you happened to see it, it was truly by accident.
6. The job here is a cover-up.
7. We left our church before the scandal was uncovered.
I KID YOU NOT!
But, this is only part of the story. The “all-knowing” individual shared her information with a very close family member. After getting the shock affect desired, she then apologized with this, “I just assumed you knew.” First of all, the “informed” family member is physically ill, as well as, suffering from dementia. We are VERY cautious about what WE share. Secondly, why tell someone something if you think they already know it? Thirdly, why not keep your mouth shut unless you are 100 percent sure that what is coming out of it is truth.
Am I angry? The knowledge this one thinks she possesses is so ridiculous, it made me laugh, and is as far from the truth as just about anything I have heard lately. No, not angry, just amazed and full of pity for someone who while actually destroying their own testimony, thinks they are destroying someone else’s.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
INSECTARIUM
Spent the day with my mother yesterday in New Orleans, celebrating her birthday. Ate, shopped, went to the French Market, Jackson Square, and the INSECTARIUM. It is worth checking out if you are ever in the area. Guess which insects were my favorite?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)