Sunday, March 21, 2010

YEA, ME TOO!!


It's cold again here in South Mississippi! My only two flowers are not happy! They are lying down in protest. 

It's ok. I feel the same way, but for me it has very little to do with the weather.

FYI:
- This conversation via text I am about to share is pretty intense.
-Also I feel the need to say that I tried several times to call her to have a real conversation.  She would not answer. 
-Refer to my previous post for an insight as to what this is all about.

Me: I have not heard from you = It must have not ended = A saddened heart = A mother who will never give up or stop praying.

Her: You do not know what is going on in my head and what I am stuck in.  You KNOW what I want. I KNOW what I want = I don't know how to get it right now.

Me: I sense anger towards me.  Not sure I deserve it.  I am heartbroken over your situation.  Wish I had all the answers to help you.  It is easy for me to talk about what you should do.  Did not mean to offend.  Dad and I went into action Friday when you asked us to.  Would like to have had communication.  Still praying for you.  I love you.

Her: You do not understand the situation I am in.  You do not understand how badly I want out and to be happy because I am miserable.  I feel trapped.  Stuck. Scared. Sick. Sad. Depressed. Angry.  So many different things and I am doing all I can.  I just don't know what else to do.  But I feel like if it is not the way you think it should be done or in your time you get upset and that adds to my frustration.   

Me: This has nothing to do with me.  I do not ask questions.  I do not try to make you feel bad or guilty.  I do not try to advise or help unless you ask and Friday night you asked.  You cannot blame me for being exciting when you told me "it's for real this time". I just know that one day it WILL be for real.  I do not know how or when, but Friday would have been fine with me.  You were the one who made me think it just might be.  I completely understand the meaning of feeling trapped.  This is the way I feel for not being able to help you.  I love you.

Her: It is for real...in my heart.  Guess it just will not show until I take action.  I cannot do everything right this second.  I love you too.

Me: I have known for quite some time that is was "for real" in your head.   There is not a single day that passes that I am not thankful for that.  I am not exaggerating.  It WILL work out.  It will happen because you want it to, not because I want it to.

Her: Well it is still not good enough for you... nothing will ever be.

Her (again): I am sorry. I love you.

Me: I am sorry I have made you feel that way.  I love you too.

Me (again): Let me go back and say that you will never know how sorry I am for every single time I have ever made you feel that way.

Her: It is ok.

Me: No, it is NOT ok.

Her: Just do not be sad for me!!!  Be sad for me if I did not want out of this and understand that it is wrong!!

Me: Exactly what I was trying to say earlier:  (I have known for quite some time that is was "for real" in your head.   There is not a single day that passes that I am not thankful for that.  I am not exaggerating.  It WILL work out.  It will happen because you want it to, not because I want it to.) 


Once again I ask for prayers from everyone who reads this.  The words my daughter uses to describe her situation: miserable, trapped, stuck, scared, sick, sad, depressed,  and angry frighten me terribly.  I truly believe she wants out.  She does not know how to, hence all of these feelings.  I fear one day it will be too late!!  

When she was little, she would jump off the bed or couch trusting her dad to catch her.  I want so badly for her to understand that this is all she has to do again.  Jump and trust her Dad (her heavenly Father) to catch her.  She has to be the one to decide when!!  I thought she had made that leap on Friday evening.

Several times over the past year she has led me to believe she was about to take the plunge and every single time, I have "jumped" into action, praying and calling on others to pray.  One day she will.  Until she does, I will continue believing, hoping, loving, crying, and praying for this precious girl who deserves that and so much more!!          

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