ME: Where do I start?
YOU: How about at the beginning.
ME: Ok. Well approximately 38 years ago…
YOU: Are you kidding?
ME: No. I wouldn’t do that.
My family moved to the area where we presently live. My dad had a business acquaintance here and he invited us to go to church with his family. We did and it soon became our church home as well. I was in my early teens. We had a great youth minister and I had many friends there, one in particular: Alice.
Alice was my best friend, at least I thought she was. At some point into our friendship, she played a cruel joke on me. I won’t go into the details but it involved a guy I had a crush on. It was all silly and that was what I blew it off as, certainly not anything I wanted to destroy our relationship over.
Later, we moved to another part of town. I was in the middle of the 8th grade and had to transfer to another school: her school. Obviously I was naive and had not “gotten it” through the joke she played on me because I was about to be in for a huge shock.
I still remember my excitement over seeing her, a familiar face, at this new school. I was lost, scared, and did not know a soul there. At first she pretended not to know me and then she began to make fun of me to her friends.
Are you writing this down? Because this could very well explain some of my current insecurities. Getting it out like this has to be good for the soul. Right?
She moved away shortly afterwards. And I completely lost contact with her.
I have thought about her from time to time over the years, but never had the desire to know where she was or to rekindle a friendship, especially after I figured out there was never truly a friendship to begin with.
Yesterday, after 35 years, she reappeared in my life via face book. Old feelings have resurfaced along with some new ones.
Here is what I remember (or at least think I remember) about Alice:
-- She was beautiful, and had a beautiful smile.
-- She was a year or maybe two older than me.
-- She could sing.
-- Her parents had her late in life. They were old when she was a teenager.
-- She was poor. (I don't know why I thought this, as if we were not)
-- We had some fun times together.
-- I thought she was my friend.
-- She hurt me.
Here is what I know about her now:
-- She is still beautiful. Same smile!
-- She has been married for 33 years.
-- Her parents died when she was in her early twenties.
-- She has two beautiful daughters.
-- She has two beautiful grandchildren. They call her Gigi. Well,at least one of them calls her Gigi.The little boy is only a few months old.
-- She lives in a very wealthy area in a town North of here in what appears to be a mansion overlooking a lake.
-- She has a successful career. By the looks of things, so does her husband.
-- She speaks well of her two sons-in-law.
-- She travels.
-- One daughter teaches school. I do not know what the other one does.
-- Based on what I have read: She is extremely intelligent. And has a close relationship with God.
We talked (typed) back and forth for a long time yesterday. The last words she typed to me were these: “I always thought you had a perfect family.”
Maybe I have unlocked a mystery: She was jealous of me! This would explain why she treated me the way she did. Just maybe this is true, but I really do not know for sure. However, I do know this for certain: Never in my life have I ever encountered someone who from all appearances has a seemingly flawless life, until yesterday. How ironic that I dealt with feelings of jealousy towards her if it is true that so many years ago she was jealous of me.
YOU: (Insert words of wisdom)
ME: Yea, I know, but you cannot tell me anything I have not already told myself over and over.
--“Things may not be exactly as they seem”
--“In all things give thanks”
--“I do now know the whole story. I know nothing about the in between years: 35 years worth”
--“In all things give thanks”
--“There will always be those who have more than I do and those who have less than I do”
--“In all things give thanks”
--“Be content with what God has given me"
--“In all things give thanks”
I’m not joking about the “in all things give thanks”. This kept “popping” in my head throughout the entire day.
So…this morning…for my Bible study, I went to Psalms 92:1. “It is a good thing to give thanks unto the Lord, and to sing praises unto thy name, O Most High.”
I spent time (too much time) yesterday comparing my life to Alice’s, realizing she would probably not be impressed in the least with my accomplishments, my house, my family, my job, my level of intelligence, or my relationship with Christ. This side-by-side comparison left me feeling pretty “ragged” all day long.
Not a pretty picture! And not something I am proud of!
YOU: (Insert more words of wisdom)
I know. I know. I know. Of all the things I listed above, the only one that should truly matter is my relationship with Christ. I get that. I really do. But remember why I started this blog to begin with? Here is where I struggle:
Most of our family and friends who are our age have sons-in-law and daughters-in-law and grandchildren. They are excited and are looking forward to spending their “golden years” enjoying these children. It’s not so much that I want grandchildren right now. But what I do want is to NOT have to spend my “golden years” hoping that I am here long enough to see my children living a life free from the bad decisions they have made, decisions that could possibly haunt them for the rest of their lives unless they can let go and give them completely over to God!!
Why? Why me? I know these are dangerous questions, and a dangerous place for me to allow myself to go to, but sometimes I can’t help myself and all I want to do is curl up in a ball!!!
Yesterday I was curled up. Today I began to uncurl my toes. During my devotion time this morning, I prayed for my family: my husband, my daughter, and my son. I prayed for specific things.
After my devotion time, I opened my face book page. I use it to
“Little miracles are everywhere. Learning to open my eyes to them”
Yes, they surely are. Little miracles ARE everywhere.
But, for you, precious daughter: If I could have chosen for you, protected you, I would have. I wanted you to sail through this life without all the struggles. You have had to fight your way out of all the garbage you allowed to enter into your life. You are still fighting and it hurts my heart to watch you. The important thing, the only thing that matters now is that you ARE fighting your way out. You have changed. And because of you, my life has changed. YOU, sweet girl, ARE a MIRACLE.
Are you still writing? Because this is important:
I want to conclude this "session" by purposing in my heart to choose this day and everyday to be thankful for my family, my job, my house, my intelligence (even the lack thereof), my bank account (again, even the lack thereof), my past, my struggles, their struggles, forgiveness, a relationship with Christ.... All of these things and so much more define me, who I am, and what I have: A life to be loved and cherished. A life not to be compared with Alice's or anyone else's.
Thank you, Father, for everything I just mentioned above and so much more. After my day of "wallowing" yesterday, you still gave me such a treasured gift: The insight into my daughter's heart. Thank you for the miracle you are performing in her life. Thank you for the miracles in mine and help me to always recognize them, knowing fully well I cannot do this if I am busy doing "side-by-sides" or curled up in a ball.
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